8hunter6's Journal, 20 February 2020

things are a little better.. my son (17) has a psychiatrist appointment today to adjust his meds. Husband is getting off work early to come. I've been having my son take his meds in front of me to make sure he takes them. so it's a little less stressful... I still cry here and there over what happend.... but.... all you can do is keep trying right?

my dog is still coughing cause of her heartworm.... she starts treatment soon.. somehow I'll have to stop this hyper girl from running for two months or the treatment will cause an embolism and kill her. but hopefully all will go well and I can finally sign papers to adopt her.....

I think after luna (the dog) is better I'll start painting shelter dogs and try to sell those painting to raise money for this shelter.

my husband's grandfather died recently, still dealing with that grief as well.... he would call me once a month when I first moved to the u.s.a. to make sure I was adjusting. he would also come visit me weekly when we moved close by and I had my baby.... he made more effort than my own family did.... and now hes gone. he was near his mid 90's and had cancer so it's to be expected... but still not easy.

my friend, who is very involved In her religion (christianity), asks me how I deal. she says she would be praying and going to church but i just have... nothing.... i tried to explain that i just dont believe in giving up...even when I really want to... just keep working...and I believe in souls and a higher power of sorts..I just dont think they are involved in our personal day to day life. I think we should still do the right things. I think doing the wrong things is a blemish on the soul..... but essentially just keep trying.

right now I think I really need to focus on my food and weight.... not only for health... my chronic Illnesses....the major surgery I need..... but to even just simply have some control over something.

I cant control anything that's happening around me....the deaths, the suicide attempts, the illnesses.... but I can control if I have a bag of almonds or just 10.
if I eat a cake.....or eggs.....

I need this control more than I need weight loss I think.... atleast right now.

gotta keep working right? never stop working at something... because when you do .....the sadness comes and takes over....

and right now, I'm holding my whole family together (shakily at best) ... and I cant break. I just can't.

258.6 lb Lost so far: 17.2 lb.    Still to go: 58.6 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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1344 kcal

Fat: 75.40g | Prot: 98.58g | Carb: 75.76g.   Breakfast: Land O'Lakes Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds) , Emerald Cocoa Roast Almonds 100 Calorie Pack, Great Value Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Boar's Head Pastrami Cap-Off Top Round, Egg. Dinner: Calavo Avocado, Sweet Onions , Butter , Thai Kitchen Coconut Milk, Cauliflower , Hanover Chick Peas, Sweet Potato (Without Skin, Cooked, Boiled) , Lime, Great Value Almond Flour , Bob's Red Mill Unsweetened Shredded Coconut, Publix Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Tenderloins. Snacks/Other: Grapefruit. more...