|
Theres some things I need to get off my chest...
I have been put through so much stress this week. My mom decided that she was unhappy with her marriage and her life as a wife and mother, and left. She spent the night in a hotel that cost us $100 out of our already tighter than hell budget. She said some awful, hurtful things to my father and I that I dont feel can ever be taken back. In my opinion, she is being a selfish brat, and she only came back because she knows she cant afford to move out on her own like she thought she could.
I almost hate her for the things she said to me. I have sacrificed so much for her, and she takes me and my father for granted. She does absolutely nothing at home. She 'takes care' of the budget, but not really, because she does a shitty job. I am like the mother in my house. I take care of my brothers.
This makes me want to get on with my life even more. Things need to change for my brothers and I for the better.
All the stress she caused in our house this week took its toll on me and my weight loss, or lack-there-of. I feel like crying 24/7. Im always on the verge of tears. I am miserable.
Last week I thought to myself, "I have been 'dieting' for a long time, and I am sick of it."
I thought I was going to take a break and be more lenient with my eating... simply because i was eating the same things over and over again, and I was burnt out from feeling hungry all the time. I was quite miserable.
So i made a deal with myself. I would continue exercising but eat a little more and eat some 'real' food. Like real chicken speghetti, peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, trail mix, etc. On my brother's birthday I had a turkey burger for dinner, then mini peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, and I had some of his birthday cake. Not only did I eat some of the cake, but I overate at dinner.
It all made me sick. I threw it up.
I had apple pie and ice cream the next day. Threw it up.
When i eat things like that, I often eat too much, and I never ENJOY them. They dont even taste good to me anymore. They do while I am eating them, but after eating them, I regret it. I get stressed and feel disgusting.
I went out to eat with my brother about a week ago, and i ate entirely too many desserts. I felt like shit for about two days after that. I still have no idea if it was worth it.
When i eat healthy and i am on this so called 'diet' i feel so much better. I feel good after I eat. After only 200 calories I am full, and stay satisfied for a couple hours. Then I get to eat again. I really need to learn to find a happy medium, and stop fucking myself over.
I have all these obstacles- like my brothers birthday [was Nov 20th], thanksgiving [Nov 27th], my other brother's birthday [Nov 29th] My birthday [Dec 6th] and then my last brother's birthday [Dec 7th]. Then there's Christmas. Gaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! This is the most stressful time of year for dieters. And i get so excited about eating good things, like thanksgiving food, christmas cookies, etc. But then I eat too much of them, and dont enjoy them at all. In fact, they just make me sick.
And I really need to think before I eat. Unplanned eating makes me sick. I randomly ate some left over tourtalini [spelling?] in the middle of the night a couple nights ago. I absolutely LOVE pasta. It was good. I ate a ton, and of course, got sick and threw up.
And I am having surgery on Dec 10th, which will keep me from exercising for awhile. That stresses me out so much. I had planned to reach my goal by then, and I still hope to!!!!, then take a break to heal, and continue around the first of 2009. My goal is 158, but I still want to lose about 10-15 more pounds after that. I hope to be near 145 when I am completely finished and happy with my body.
So here I am with no clue what to do anymore, except go back to the old way of eating. My real problem is this: When i am on my diet, i have a strict eating schedule and structure. I dont know how to eat any other way without going overboard. I need to realize when I am full based on my body and nothing else. Not a calorie measurement.
Today has been good so far, as far as eating goes, and there is nothing in the house that can throw me off track. I am determined not to over eat at dinner. We're having chicken, potatoes and veggies that I am making in our crock pot. It smells/looks great.
I am going to work out now and hopefully do a great work out so I can take tomorrow off. I have exercised the past week but it hasnt been 100% consistent. I did 30 mins of cardio three days in a row, and I would rather just do my 90 minute work out every other day. I need those rest days.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. I really need to know everything is going to be okay.... It is, right?
I cant lose hope.
|