Egull1's Journal, 09 February 2019

Today I had a cute moment with my co-worker. She's actually one of the partner's at the firm I work at. She wears at least a size 6, around 5'5 and a petite little thing. She has a beautiful figure and I like her fashion sense.

Living in the Inland Northwest requires a specific kind of fashion sense that must also adhere to the demands each season brings. It's not that it doesn't snow or get cold anywhere else in the country, but we're still rugged and wilderness bound enough to confront elements I never had to think twice about when I lived on the east coast.

A few clothing items I have spent some considerable cash on since I began maintenance are winter clothes and fleece coats. I'm not ashamed to say, no expense was spared. I've invested enough in North Face, REI, Marmot, and Patagonia to have some stock in the companies! It's nice, because I can finally wear their sizes. And, frankly this has been one of the few winters in a very long time when I felt genuinely warm because of these items.

One of the coats I bought is a nice fleece by Patagonia. It's a raspberry red and very warm. When I bought it, I considered it a donation to the company, because they donate millions to land management, wildlife refuges, and other climate/conservation causes. We're developing fast out here in the Northwest, but we do love our wilderness. It's not as wild as Alaska, but no less breath taking even if the elements can kick your butt once and awhile.

Today, my co-worker finally confessed she loved my raspberry Patagonia and wanted one, too. I told her why I bought it. She agreed Patagonia is a pretty amazing company. So, I told her where to go on the REI site to purchase one. She confessed, she liked the raspberry color I was wearing as well. I told her to get it, and I didn't mind at all if we were twins. LOL. I told her, "you probably wear the small. I got the medium, because someone in the reviews had said to go ahead and pick it true to size." In fact, I was actually layering mine today with a thin hoodie underneath.

Right before I left, she came up to me and said,

"can I try yours on real quick?"

"Of course", I replied and took my coat off so she might try it on.

Well, low and behold - it fit her perfectly!

I was floored, and yes I still say she's about a size 6 (I'm a size 8). Even if we're the same weight, she's taller, which affords for some slimness.

But, still this brain was shocked.

It also made me realize this mind still doesn't see itself as small as it really is...it still identifies as a large person. A couple weeks back, I was taking off my other winter fleece I got from REI. It's a medium as well. As I was laying it on my desk, I saw the M on the clothing tag signifying the size as "Medium". My brain instantaneously thought, "Oh, I can't wear that size, I'm too big" Even though, I had just taken the dang thing off this body!

These are some of the weird mind trips a person will go through if they've struggled with excess weight their whole lives.

I understand why this thought came to mind. For years, it has been automatic to think these things when buying or purchasing clothes. How many times had I gone into a store and started looking at sizes first, before I even considered style just to see if they even carried XL's or 2XL's.

I've learned to expect and accept these freak out moments. We think the body is slow to release weight. Rest assured my friends, it is actually the mind that takes quite a while to adjust. Now, I learn to meet these moments with kindness, love, and compassion. We set so much of our identities around having excess weight. We don't say, "I have fat on this body", we say "I am fat". This is absolutely ridiculous if you think about it.

None of us are our fat anymore than we are our hands, arms, or legs. Excess weight is a component of what we carry, but it IS NOT WHO WE ARE. I've never seen a gravestone to date that said, "Here lies this person, they were fat."

I do hope our society stops "self identifying" this way, because it does create challenges when we hit maintenance. I've had folks admit to me they were so freaked out by their own transformations, they sabotaged themselves and gained the weight back. I understand it's an insecure time.

I was able to let go of the fear when I realized what was happening and that this mind was simply struggling with an old identity until it is able to reconcile with where it is presently. It's not the only time in our lives we struggle with changing identities, and I now realize it's a wonderful opportunity to get to know the girl I am right now.

And, right now this girl loves the fact that she has released enough weight from her form to have access to clothing styles she really likes, that keep her body warm when she needs it.

As for anyone who is reading this who identifies with "being fat", I'm here to say you're wrong. I'll tell you exactly what each of you are

You are…

a beautiful, loving, phenomenal being with the infinite potential to weave any tapestry your heart desires.

end of story.