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Last night I had a BAD craving/comfort food/depression attack. At 2nd job, ate Cheetos from the machine...twice. OMG. And my niece (C) has to work Sunday so I can't take her for Chinese lunch for her b-day. I had the idea of a cheat meal in my head...but now it wasn't going to happen. Not a big deal, right? Apparently not. I got Dixie Chili 3-way and coneys. This used to taste delicious...it had no flavor to me (and I still ate it-ugh!). Have my taste buds changed that much that any take out tastes bad to me or did they change their recipe? Unlikely they changed it because it has been there FOREVER and is a local favorite.
So I had my 'cheat' day and it sucked. It didn't taste good to me and now I'm swollen and sore this morning because of it. The worst part is...I KNEW this would happen, yet I did it anyway. This is what depression does to me. And this is what triggered it last night (and usually does): My mother has been bugging me...well, calling me while I'm at work and saying-are you awake? Of course I'm awake. I'm at work! I've told her over and over...3 weeks worth...that I'm working 2 jobs M-F and have time for nothing but that during the week, but she keeps forgetting. It's frustrating what the pain meds did to her brain during her foot amputation 3 years ago (from diabetes). Now, as an only child, I get to deal with it on a daily basis. I do not get along with my mother and my dad died 7 years ago. So she's lonely and wants someone to talk to. Thing is, she has isolated herself from others her whole life (cause of her 'effed up childhood) and now has nobody but me and her sister. There are relatives from time to time, but nobody on a regular basis like me and my aunt.
I also didn't workout. Stayed at 2nd job an extra hour to get something finished. I also think as soon as I got that bag of Cheetos, I was thinking of skipping it. The 2nd bag secured that thought. I knew I was on a downward spiral, but did nothing to stop it. I felt lonely, depressed and sad at that point (oh, did I mention my mom had called me AGAIN at that point. 2x at 1st job and 2x at 2nd). I think there may be other internal forces at play here (feminine) and when I recognize that, I usually pull myself up and get back on track cause I know WHY I feel this way (I HATE hormones). The crying at the drop of a hat is usually a tipoff too. HAHA!!
AAAAANYway....this weekend better be relaxing and not full of emotional crap. I really don't need that right now. Don't want it right now.
*pam-u-la, if you're kicking back and want a little reading material, this may be interesting bout the Cincinnati chili around here... http://www.dixiechili.com/history.php
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