Multiplicity1's Journal, 22 June 2010

I went to my counselor's today and we discussed how my life had changed lately and how my mood had improved. The first change was when I worked on getting rid of a lot of the clutter in my life and that led after I gained 12 lbs. in a month to a decision to permanently change my eating habits. That has been going really well with a few bumps in the road now and then. Mostly I have been doing great also with the exercising. So in the last month I began to work hard on changing my mood and I have been making a lot of progress toward being more positive and constructive in my thoughts overall. The work on forgiveness has definitely helped that along. On Father's Day the minister was talking about fathers who are great fathers and fathers who are not so great and I noticed that I had not felt the rage toward my father I usually felt on Father's Day when I thought about the abuse. I didn't feel rage, I didn't feel grief or even a little sadness I barely felt a blip when he mentioned fathers who weren't so great. I was very happy to realize how much progress I had made toward forgiveness and that I could just continue to let my father move toward his highest good and eventually I won't even feel a blip anymore. Now I will just focus on the good qualities I developed from going through the abuse and move on in joy toward the rest of my life.
The other part of what we talked about today was whether I could celebrate my vow renewal without eating a piece of cake. I realized that there were two reasons I wanted the cake - the self-destructive part of me wanted to do something self-destructive so I could beat myself up about it and another part of me felt I had to eat cake in order to properly celebrate the occasion. Well we discussed whether I could celebrate the occasion by putting strawberries on the cake and eating those which seemed silly to me - I can just eat the strawberries without trying to fool myself that they were part of the cake. So I can eat strawberries and pineapple chunks which are a lot healthier for me than cake (if I don't eat too much of them). I try to always remember that sugar is like poison to me. So to eat the cake would be like poisoning myself and isn't that a crazy thing to do. So my choice is that I am not going to eat the cake because I am not going to poison myself and I am going to enjoy the fruit (but I will look up pineapple to see how much I can have). I may eat a little extra fruit but I won't go crazy and binge. I will enjoy my vows, my husband, looking at my old wedding pictures the sandwiches, fruit and sugar free punch and I will not eat the poisoned cake. I hope all of you have a wonderful and prosperous evening.

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931 kcal

Fat: 71.95g | Prot: 39.33g | Carb: 39.63g.   Breakfast: Splenda, Baking powder, Cinnamon, Egg, Butter, Flax seeds. Lunch: Green papper, Avocado, Cheddar cheese, Tomato. more...