Multiplicity1's Journal, 09 June 2010

You CAN do everything you want to. As I read your journal entry, I change in my mind every "I would like to .." with "I will ...". I believe in you. We all believe in you. You cannot change the past, but you can definately change the present. 

Hi, Andrea. Here's a really powerful exercise I did at the suggestion of a Christian therapist I saw several years ago. She suggested I do this because I was having such a hard time trusting God, and I felt such shame over my abuse. She told me to close my eyes and picture Jesus sitting there in front of me. She wanted me to picture myself as a child. Then she wanted me to picture myself climbing into His lap and resting there, allowing Him to put His arms around me and hug me, and simply sit there feeling His love. I can't tell you how incredibly hard that was - I knew in my mind that God loves me, but it was so hard to allow myself to picture myself as a child sitting in His lap. It made me realize how deep-seated my feelings of distrust toward men were, even when the "man" was my Savior. The first time I tried this I actually got panicky and couldn't do it! We did this over and over, through several sessions, until I could simply relax and feel Jesus' unconditional love for me, and realize that I was absolutely safe in His arms. The peace and joy I got from that was simply amazing. In fact, I think I'll do it right now - I could use a little peace and joy these days. :) 

What a lovely concept desifink. How amazing would it be to truly to do that, yet we can know that everyday we can ask to be close to the lord and know that he feels nothing but tenderness towards us and is overjoyed when we turn to him. I hope you both find great peace. xx 

Everything that has already been said - ditto. You are loved. We love you. God loves you. You don't have to love those that abused you. That is not a requirement. You just need to love yourself in spite of the abuse, because no matter what happened - it was never your fault and no matter what you could have done, you could not have prevented it. You were a child without the power to control what was taking place. As an adult you do have the power to allow yourself to love you as we and God do.  

All you need to do is change that from "I want to" to "I will". You are in control of your life now. Don't let what happened in the past control how much you enjoy your life now. The best way to "stick it to them" is to be happy and healthy. You are becoming a more whole person every day. I wish I could tell you how to forgive. I know your level of abuse was much worse than what I went through and I was very young when it happened and it so my scars are probably not as deep but this is how I look at it. He was sick. He was a very sick man. I am a good person, I am kind and loving and try my best to be a good friend, mother, wife. What he did does not reflect upon me. I am still the same good person inside regardless of what other's in my family have done. I'm not sure where I stand on forgiveness. God forgives us of our sins, but we have to repent. My abuser never said he was sorry or asked me for forgivness. God does not forgive your sins if you don't repent right? That's why you go to hell - for doing bad things and not repenting - right? Well hatred is also a sin and if I hold on to hatred and anger and it affects my walk with God then I have let him win. I have heard that when you forgive someone you are doing it for yourself, not for them. I think you can forgive, but never forget. By forgiving them you are not saying that what they did was ok. Just take it out of your hands and give it to God. Think of yourself as taking all that pain, all that anger and anguish and wrapping it up in a nice little package and handing it over to the Lord. Just because you have forgave and have given it to the lord doesnt mean you forget what happened but for me anyways it hurts less and less and and it only really hurts when I try to take the burdon back and handle it myself. I can't, but God can so his sins are in God's hands not mine and that makes a little more room in my soul for love, peace, and yes even forgiveness.  

I am sure that you can do it. One thing I read about affirmations. Write them in present and always positive statements. Like "I am thanful for being able to outgrow my suffering" or "I am thankful for being healthy and at peace" I am thankful because Andrea, my FS buddy, is happy and content with her life :)