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25 July 2013

My pants were loose today. They have been tight-ish since I bought them. I went shopping at a second hand store a few months after my baby was born and had to get some sizes I have never worn before in my life. My mom came by today and I haven't seen her since Saturday. She said she could tell I am less bloated. She was surprised.

I didn't even cut sugar because I'm eating fruit and there is some sugar in my almond milk. I just cut grains and dairy which I am sure I am sensitive to. My bloat is going away, which means my inflammation is going away. I am happy to be seeing results in the waistline already. I often lose bloat and not even move the scale so I'm not sure if I should weigh in at all just yet or just measure.

I feel great and I had lots of energy today despite waking up with a headache. It was either detoxing or leftover stress from last night. My IN-laws came into town last night to take us to dinner and my SIL and her kids were there. I get along with my IN-laws just fine, for the record, but my SIL's kids stress me out. Plus they were short on sleep and we got to dinner way too late for the kids. My daughter who is usually great at restaurants was all hyper because of being around her cousins. My baby had not wanted to take his afternoon nap so he was screaming at the restaurant. Luckily it was very loud in there so I'm not sure if anyone noticed besides the people right behind us. My husband and I took turns rocking him but he didn't want to nurse nor eat his food. So I was tense. I may have clenched my jaw all night.

Some peppermint essential oil held it off for a bit this morning. I rubbed a drop into my temples and above my eyes on my forehead. It worked for about 4 hours. But then I had an early appointment and getting the kids out the door I forgot my coffee. By the time I got home my headache was back with a bang. I finally got coffee but by then it was too late and I was getting nauseous with my headache so it was headed towards migraine status. I took some tylenol with my coffee and used more peppermint, this time on the back of my neck too. It took some time but it finally all went away. Thank goodness.

Today I found a place that has Kombucha on tap. I was able to fill my growler finally. The lady I used to get it from wasn't at the farmers market any more. It really helps with reducing my cravings. It is probiotic and energizing too.

23 July 2013

21 July 2013

I think I actually found it today. I found my determination. I have been searching for it for months now. Life is really hectic with two little ones, and spring is usually when I find my motivation. I didn't find it in the spring this year. I didn't know where to look but I think I've come up with the right attitude.

I have struggled with body image all of my life, even when I was super skinny and doing ballet. I was 5'7" and 125 lbs. My ballet mistress said I still needed to lose weight. She said I looked "fine" for a girl on the street but if I wanted to be a ballerina I sill needed to lose about 20 lbs. One day she came up to me and asked me if I was eating. I had to tell her everything I ate that day. I had a few friends who were bulimic and we were all anorexic to some degree. Medically anorexia is defined as not eating enough, but psychologically you can still be anorexic even if you are eating enough. It is a body image issue. Over the years I have transferred it to feeling guilty if I don't eat the "right" foods instead of eating less food, but the mindset is still the same.

My fear is that I would get to a healthy weight and it will never be enough for me to love myself. I think this fear may even interfere with my success to some degree. I have a friend who got to a healthy weight for the first time in her life by going vegan. Then she just kept losing weight, then she started running and then when she couldn't lose any more she got plastic surgery. Now she still has body image issues and she is still unhappy. Sure, she can wear a bikini, but she still doesn't love herself.

My husband says I have disassociated myself from my body because I view it as an enemy I have to conquer. He found a website that talks about it from a psychological perspective. Basically I have to learn to love myself. More specifically my body. I love who I am but my body is a separate entity in a sense because it is something I don't love. Nothing I have ever done to take care of it has worked long-term.

Staying gluten-free kept me free from Crohns disease flare ups for 8 years, but then I found myself needing emergency surgery all of a sudden. I wonder why it has to be so hard for me.

I know skinny people who think I just eat too much. I don't wish this upon anyone, but obviously if it were just a matter of eating less and exercising more then more people would be skinny. It matters what you eat and it matters what your hormones are doing. People who don't have weight problems can still be unhealthy and skinny people can still die of diabetes, cancer and heart disease (to name a few).

I need to find a way to love my body the way it is so when I do get to a healthy weight I don't find myself still not loving it because I haven't dealt with the core issues. I need to not judge my self-worth by what I see in the mirror or the scale, but by who I am to others.

20 July 2013

I haven't been here in a while. I have been eating gluten-free completely. Lower carb on most days but I have a weakness for chocolate. Without being able to eat splenda I don't know how I'm going to do this. I am nursing my baby and Splenda gives him painful gas and he fusses a lot if I eat it. It is like night and day if I don't eat it he is happy all the time. I finally got used to stevia in my coffee, but it isn't good for much more than coffee and lemon water.

I am so bloated I feel like I'm still 6 months pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm still pregnant or I guess it would be "again". I am really struggling with body image issues and trying to find ways to deal with them. My husband is so supportive and patient. I just don't feel as beautiful as he tells me I am. I have felt very disconnected from my body, like it is my enemy. I feel it has betrayed me again and again.

No matter how hard I try to take care of it, it fails me again and again. I'm stuck with it, though.

I have been on the elliptical about twice a week for 40 minutes plus 5 min cool-down and 15 min stretching and pilates for my legs and abs. I would like to get up to 3-4 days per week but this is better than nothing with two little ones. My 6 month old is in a jump-on-your-lap stage which has been strengthening my back and upper arms. I have to remember to stretch them so I don't wake up stiff and in pain in the mornings.

I also go for walks with the stroller. During the week just with the kiddos and on the weekends the hubby comes too. I love being a mom. I love my life. I just wish I liked my body more and didn't cringe when I caught my reflection in a mirror or window.

26 April 2013

Weigh-in: 210.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 30.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet sararay's own diet   gaining 0.4 lb a week

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