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23 July 2013

21 July 2013

I think I actually found it today. I found my determination. I have been searching for it for months now. Life is really hectic with two little ones, and spring is usually when I find my motivation. I didn't find it in the spring this year. I didn't know where to look but I think I've come up with the right attitude.

I have struggled with body image all of my life, even when I was super skinny and doing ballet. I was 5'7" and 125 lbs. My ballet mistress said I still needed to lose weight. She said I looked "fine" for a girl on the street but if I wanted to be a ballerina I sill needed to lose about 20 lbs. One day she came up to me and asked me if I was eating. I had to tell her everything I ate that day. I had a few friends who were bulimic and we were all anorexic to some degree. Medically anorexia is defined as not eating enough, but psychologically you can still be anorexic even if you are eating enough. It is a body image issue. Over the years I have transferred it to feeling guilty if I don't eat the "right" foods instead of eating less food, but the mindset is still the same.

My fear is that I would get to a healthy weight and it will never be enough for me to love myself. I think this fear may even interfere with my success to some degree. I have a friend who got to a healthy weight for the first time in her life by going vegan. Then she just kept losing weight, then she started running and then when she couldn't lose any more she got plastic surgery. Now she still has body image issues and she is still unhappy. Sure, she can wear a bikini, but she still doesn't love herself.

My husband says I have disassociated myself from my body because I view it as an enemy I have to conquer. He found a website that talks about it from a psychological perspective. Basically I have to learn to love myself. More specifically my body. I love who I am but my body is a separate entity in a sense because it is something I don't love. Nothing I have ever done to take care of it has worked long-term.

Staying gluten-free kept me free from Crohns disease flare ups for 8 years, but then I found myself needing emergency surgery all of a sudden. I wonder why it has to be so hard for me.

I know skinny people who think I just eat too much. I don't wish this upon anyone, but obviously if it were just a matter of eating less and exercising more then more people would be skinny. It matters what you eat and it matters what your hormones are doing. People who don't have weight problems can still be unhealthy and skinny people can still die of diabetes, cancer and heart disease (to name a few).

I need to find a way to love my body the way it is so when I do get to a healthy weight I don't find myself still not loving it because I haven't dealt with the core issues. I need to not judge my self-worth by what I see in the mirror or the scale, but by who I am to others.

20 July 2013

I haven't been here in a while. I have been eating gluten-free completely. Lower carb on most days but I have a weakness for chocolate. Without being able to eat splenda I don't know how I'm going to do this. I am nursing my baby and Splenda gives him painful gas and he fusses a lot if I eat it. It is like night and day if I don't eat it he is happy all the time. I finally got used to stevia in my coffee, but it isn't good for much more than coffee and lemon water.

I am so bloated I feel like I'm still 6 months pregnant. I wouldn't be surprised if people think I'm still pregnant or I guess it would be "again". I am really struggling with body image issues and trying to find ways to deal with them. My husband is so supportive and patient. I just don't feel as beautiful as he tells me I am. I have felt very disconnected from my body, like it is my enemy. I feel it has betrayed me again and again.

No matter how hard I try to take care of it, it fails me again and again. I'm stuck with it, though.

I have been on the elliptical about twice a week for 40 minutes plus 5 min cool-down and 15 min stretching and pilates for my legs and abs. I would like to get up to 3-4 days per week but this is better than nothing with two little ones. My 6 month old is in a jump-on-your-lap stage which has been strengthening my back and upper arms. I have to remember to stretch them so I don't wake up stiff and in pain in the mornings.

I also go for walks with the stroller. During the week just with the kiddos and on the weekends the hubby comes too. I love being a mom. I love my life. I just wish I liked my body more and didn't cringe when I caught my reflection in a mirror or window.

26 April 2013

Weigh-in: 210.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 30.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet sararay's own diet   gaining 0.4 lb a week

23 April 2013

Things are starting to settle down after having a baby and moving to a new city. I started a squats challenge about a week ago and that has started my motivation going again. I have been doing abs and arms too. I'm still trying to find time to get on the elliptical. It is hard between a busy 3 year old and an almost 4 month old.

I can't really go super low carb since I am nursing right now so I'm just limiting my carbs. Sugar is bad for me so trying to avoid it but the little one doesn't tolerate it when I eat splenda (or dairy for that matter) so I have opted for stevia, monk fruit extract and a little non-GMO corn dextrose which is supposed to be 100% glucose so no fructose to trigger the insulin problems. I did a lot of research to get to that conclusion. I still have to limit it, though because I can tell when I have had too much sugar because my lower back starts to hurt.

I'm trying to eat a lot more vegetables, and limit sugar and starches especially after lunch. Sometimes I reach for the quick and easy (and not as healthy) when really I should just sit and eat because I'm hungry. If I eat vegetables and proteins I won't be as tempted by the sugar since I won't be hungry.

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