Self Determined Woman's Journal

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29 April 2018

Weigh-in: 140.0 lb lost so far: 127.0 lb still to go: 10.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Self Determined Woman's own diet   gaining 1.6 lb a week

26 April 2018

I haven't been keeping up with my habit of regular exercise, and the biggest changes I have noticed are in my mood and my sleep.

Mood:
When I am working out every day or every other day, I have more positivity and feel more resilient to stressful or troubling situations. It's subtle, but there is a definite shift. When I am exercising regularly, I lean ever so slightly toward toward contentment and optimism. When I am sedentary, I lean just a little toward depression.

Sleep:
When I am exercising regularly, I generally feel awake and alert during the day. And I feel tired at bedtime. My body feels ready for sleep and I don't have trouble declaring that it's bedtime. I feel fully awake and then fully sleepy at night.
But when I am more sedentary, I have a hard time shutting down for the night, and also feel more tired and sluggish throughout the day. It's like I never feel fully awake, or fully tired enough...so I just mess around on the internet at 1am, instead of going to sleep.

It's pretty clear that keeping up with my exercise habit affects my quality of life. I have always said that my reason for exercising is as much for my mental health as my physical health. A few weeks without good exercise has really reminded me ow true this is.

It's just been a hiccup though -- I am picking back up with my routine today. Even if I struggle a bit, I value exercise too much to actually let it go. I guess I needed to write this down to remind myself.

17 April 2018

But I have gained about 7-10 lbs recently. But let me back up...

It's been about 3.5 or 4 years since I lost 140 lbs. It hasn't really been a struggle to maintain my weight-- I have habits that keep me healthy, and I genuinely enjoy these habits (cooking every day, going to the gym, eating whole foods, etc).

For the past several years, it has been up and down in terms of my food/eating issues. Sometimes it has seemed like these issues were solved, or that they weren't really issues anymore. But at other moments, I have struggled a lot.

I have struggles with my relationship to food. I use it as a coping mechanism-- I turn to food to deal with stress, loneliness, boredom, uncertainty-- I pretty much use food to avoid unpleasant emotions and to distract myself.

Even when I would eat emotionally, or even binge on food, it didn't really affect my weight. I think this has made it easier for me to ignore the problem, and pretend that the issue was solved. When I binge I still tend to eat healthy foods, but in huge amounts. I have heard people say that you "can't binge on broccoli"...but I do! I will eat large amounts of apples, veggies, oats, peanut butter, brown rice, bread, cabbage, leftovers, on and on and on.

The past few months have been especially tough for me -- I ended a 3.5 year relationship. I still miss him and love him a lot, but we have different life paths. I quit my job and I'm looking for a new one. I moved and am trying to figure out what city to re-settle and start over. Overall, there have been a lot of changes and a lot of anxiety, sadness, uncertainty, loneliness and worry.

I have been looking for comfort, and my old habits (which never really left) have come back with a vengeance. I find myself falling into old unhealthy patterns of overeating at night just to comfort myself, or eating a huge meal when I'm not even hungry, just because I don't know what else to do. It's like eating is the only thing I know how to do anymore! I am not getting pleasure out of it either-- it just feels like I am punishing myself.

I have gained about 7-10 lbs recently. This is also because I haven't been going to the gym like I always do. I think low grade depression has sucked the joy out of the things I used to enjoy, and working out is one of them.

I haven't journaled here in a long time. But I wanted to write it all down about how I am doing right now.
I want to figure out the underlying issues with bingeing and why I am avoiding the gym....I want to get a handle on these things before I do too much damage to myself. I never want to be obese and unhealthy again.

16 April 2018

Weigh-in: 137.0 lb lost so far: 130.0 lb still to go: 7.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Self Determined Woman's own diet   gaining 0.4 lb a week

21 December 2017

Weigh-in: 130.0 lb lost so far: 137.0 lb still to go: 0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment on diet Self Determined Woman's own diet   steady weight

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