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28 April 2016

Weigh-in: 300.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 50.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   (4 comments) on diet Calorie Count   gaining 3.8 lb a week

11 April 2016

Last time I weighed in I was...fatter than I was last year. Basically. It through me into a spiral. but I just had a decent breakfast. can't complain about it. I'm sipping my homemade fat free latte and making a shopping list. The biggest thing that was different last year was I followed a vegetarian lifestyle. I wasn't even working out, but I was in retail and moving around ALL THE TIME. I know the biggest change I'm going to have to make right now is exercise (as well as refocusing on my diet). It actually gives me physical symptoms of anxiety to think about not being able to binge.

That's sick, right? Mentally sick. Knowing it's physically possible NOT to binge and survive, but making myself anxious thinking about eating safe and healthy portions. I can feel my midsection getting bigger, I had to buy the next size up in scrubs for work, and I still feel myself getting anxious. I did look into weight loss surgery, but due to my company's TERRIBLE (seriously, the worst I've ever had) health insurance, I would have to pay $7,000 out of pocket, and it would be with a Dr I don't know. I have a surgeon I would work with, but he's not on my plan.

So, for now, while I'm job hunting, I guess I'll ATTEMPT to eat better. My problem is the amount of self hate I have. I can't afford to buy clothes and I'm getting big again, so I need to stop that right here and now. I don't believe I'll ever be one of those happy and healthy people, but I just can't afford to be fatter and miserable, so I'll have to just be miserable as I am.
   (3 comments) on diet Calorie Count  

24 March 2016

So I'll technically weigh in when I wake up in the morning (sometime much later) but I'm going through a hard time. Emotionally. And I take it out on myself with food. I started "dieting" last year in May, and I lost 46 pounds from May to December (with a bunch of setbacks) and now I'm back up to 276 (probably more, I'll know later today). Because I ate the delicious food that eventually made me feel like shit. I just can't picture myself eating vegetarian. Or 21 day fix, and I can't afford WW or crazy expensive Shakeology (I'll just use what I have left for now). I'm a binge eater.I can't stop.

I have friends that still struggle with it every single day, but they are able to suffer through their binge feelings and move on. And me? Nope. I'm a huge closet (or in my case, car) eater. And I continue to do it.

At least I haven't had a cigarette in almost 3 weeks.

So I look into the whole macro thing. I should be eating about 2200 calories, 40% protein, 45% fat, 15% carbs. But I'm trying to eat normal foods that will be sustainable. And I can't even get CLOSE to those numbers. Because I want to eat fruit. If I wanted to give up fruit again, I'd do Atkins. And if you look in my history, I lost a shit ton of weight in 2012 eating low carb. And then I lost my job to Hurrican Sandy, started working at Starbucks, and gained it all back PLUS some.

I'm trying to find a silver lining. This time last year I was over 300 pounds. At least I'm still under that. That's good right?

And working out? I fucking hate it. But I have to, because I sit at a desk at work and don't move at all. I bought a fitbit to help me, and it does, but I can't leave the fucking desk in case the phone rings. It sucks. And I HATE exercise. I don't know. I'm also suffering from depression but I'm afraid I wont be able to afford the copay to see a psychiatrist and get back on meds.

But that's a different rant, entirely. I donno.

Sorry. I'm struggling and suffering. I wish I could get WLS, but I can't afford it, and I'm afraid of the surgery itself, and that it just wont work for me since I'm a binger.

Ugh. Sorry again. Just venting.
   (3 comments) on diet Calorie Count  

24 March 2016

Weigh-in: 281.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 31.0 lb Diet followed N/A
   (1 comment) on diet Calorie Count  

23 March 2016

Weigh-in: 276.0 lb lost so far: 0 lb still to go: 26.0 lb Diet followed N/A
   add comment on diet Calorie Count  

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