EggBeater42's Journal, 27 January 2021

Dear EggBeater42, thank you so much for your kind words to me and support. Yes, I was thin. As I mentioned the picture was from about 3 years ago. I weighed about 113 and was around a size 4. That's why it hurt so much that he said I was letting myself "go". I'm 3 or 4 sizes bigger now, and at 5'1" it really shows. Losing that 3" in height and my bad back has affected me a lot. May I please tell you a little about my husband. He is 84 years old and has been in the hospital 6 times in the last 16 months, the last time having kidney failure. His kidneys seem to have stabilized for now and he's better. He does have memory loss, but has not been diagnosed with dementia. He has had a small stroke and at least 6 TIA's (mini-strokes). I left 3 times when our children were young, but there is no way I could leave him now. He couldn't make it on his own. His temper is trigger-quick, maybe that's part of changes to his brain. He certainly can be rude, unkind, unthoughtful, arrogant, and even downright mean sometimes. Frankly, I will whisper to you, yes sometimes I think he is a dick too. I suppose I can say he has always been somewhat critical of me but loves me dearly. This summer we will have been married 60 years. A few of those years were 90% good with 10% bad, and many were just the opposite. Maybe it's 50/50 now, I change my mind often. I promised "for better or for worse", and desire to finish my course with honor. If your loved one had cancer or some other illness, you wouldn't abandon them. Brain changes are an illness too. About 4 months ago he was talking suicide, saying he just didn't want to bother with life. That seems selfish to me, with a daughter with stage 4 cancer, that needs loving support. Look at all the older people dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer's. It's way, way too late to lose him. I think I will put this as a comment to your last journal since I don't know if you will be back to mine. Sorry if I hijacked your journal, but just wanted to respond to you. Thank you again for your kindness. I do feel alone a lot of the time.