Sweet Ce's Journal, 23 August 2013

Gee whiz! I cannot figure out why I'm so hungry today! I'm watching what's going on an I just don't get it!! Argh... could be the honey toast I had last night? I dunno... could be the no morning exercise? I dunno... could be some anxiety? I dunno... jeez,tho, I'm really feelin squirly about it.

Ah-Ha! I just looked at my period tracker...nifty little app...I'm right in the middle of my cycle so that could be it...

I'm still feeling quite positive and energized today. I am working with my new boss a little more each day, all while trying to get my soon-to-be former bosses to understand that they really do need to start interviewing candidates because I'm leaving in 3 weeks. Well, I'm not leaving, leaving, just moving to another department, a different floor, no more access to their files, etc.

I feel like the past week or so I've been on a trajectory towards more consciousness about what I'm eating, how I'm eating and when I'm eating. I feel less judgmental and more observant. And yet... and yet... this feeling of hunger grows. As I'm writing this I'm sipping boatloads of water and hoping that will help to dispel the lightheadedness and sensation that I really need to eat.

So, what's going on for me? My jaws are tense, my throat a little clenched, I'm not sure what I'm getting worked up about? Perhaps it's the change, the transition from one department to another. There's also still the transition from being part of a "couple" to being "single" again. I know that in the coming weeks I'll meet up with more and more mutual friends who are bound to ask how things are going and I'll say, what? Well, things are "gone" not "going".

Last night I had a conference call (sounds so uptight, right?) with friends. It's the only way we get to all talk since we're all over the place. But, a couple of them didn't yet know about the breakup so I shared and I found that I'm still anxious over it. I'm scared of seeing him again, how will I feel? what will I do/say? what will he do/say? What won't we do/say? and who the hell cares?

Well, I guess I care or I wouldn't have broken down in tears again last night. I was on edge for most of the call, just waiting until someone asked about it and when the question came, it came with concern and love but it still provoked a flood of anger.

So, here I am today with joyful feelings of anticipation for what my future holds as well as anger and, ultimately, sadness over what is now past. Living in the moment means seeing both of those perspectives and still interacting with people where I am right now. I needn't hide behind food, sugar, water, tea, coffee - or that all-consuming internal discomfort at being overfull. There is, however, some "comfort" in the discomfort. I mean, I recognize it; I know it's origin and I have some control over it. The emotional discomfort of a past or potential relationship - well, I have less control over that... although, "feelings aren't facts" and what seems like totally insurmountable feelings, may be a mole hill rather than a mountain.

So, it's helped me (and my tummy) to write this out today.

Have a lovely weekend ahead,
Ce

Diet Calendar Entries for 23 August 2013:
1576 kcal Fat: 72.95g | Prot: 50.54g | Carb: 175.60g.   Breakfast: Almond Butter, Bananas, Chobani Nonfat Plain Greek Yogurt (Container). Lunch: Avocados, Brown Rice, Whole Foods Market Two-Bite Coconut Macaroons. Dinner: BelGioioso Fresh Mozzarella Cheese, Mixed Salad Greens, Trader Joe's Greek Kalamata Olives, Food For Life Baking Company Wheat & Gluten Free Brown Rice Bread. Snacks/Other: Pop Secret Movie Theater Butter Popcorn. more...
2386 kcal Activities & Exercise: Resting - 5 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours, Desk Work - 7 hours, Sitting - 4 hours. more...

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Comments 
Keep it up - well done. Keep writing it out until your body isn't trying to hold it. I truly felt, reading this, as if I could hear your body saying 'feed me to balance out all of this grief, the anger and disappointment scale is too heavy, I need help' and I have done the same. In the past I've always associated it with filling an emptiness ... and I agree.. it's the one thing we seem capable of controlling - the food we put in our mouths. And it seems like we're being all powerful to put the food in even when it's not for hunger. So keep writing. One day, one emotion at a time. Get them out and you will probably feel the need to balance the scale with food start to disappear as well. At least, that's how it works for me. 
23 Aug 13 by member: FullaBella
very good advice and framing of this for me. thanks! 
23 Aug 13 by member: Sweet Ce

     
 

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