wichitaks's Journal, 12 February 2013

WARNING Emotional rollercoaster ahead.
So sunday was pretty much all day at the hospital with grandma, Yesterday she was doing better, this morning she is doing the same as yesterday health wise, BUT she is getting really confused. they are doing a CT scan this morning to make sure nothing else is going on....

This morning I had a deep conversation with her. (when I saw her she was not confused) She said on Sunday she was pretty sure she was not going to make it. She said she was just pretty sure that she would not live and at first she was scared but then she was ok with that. She has lived more than 80 years and she has had a rough ride the last few years. I think this conversation was much harder on me than it was on her. I am 26, she gave me my love of quilting, she taught me the basics, but I have SO much more to learn from her. I am not ready to lose her. I know that makes me sound so crazy selfish and maybe I am. She said she would be ok with dying.
She was diagnosed with Breast cancer and she beat it!
Then she was diagnosed with colon cancer and once again my stubborn grandma beat it,
She was supposed to start chemo again yesterday for her most recent diagnosis of lung cancer.
She broke her wrist trying to hang the drying on the line,
she broke her ankle trying to reposition a rug in the living room,
she is having significant balance issues and has fallen MULTIPLE times in the last few months and they are trying to figure out why. She said she does not get dizzy she just falls.

I have to be honest with myself, my time is very limited with her. In my mind though she was a stubborn old broad (term of endearment in my family) and she was not going to let cancer beat her so that just meant it was a hurtle but not the end of her race. I thought about her dying in passing but I never really thought about her actually leaving this earth. She is too stubborn and strong willed to die. BUT now that she is ok with dying and she is not fighting as much is she going to give up? She has been fighting for a lot of years with a lot of things.

In all of this I am surprised at how quickly my brain is telling me to revert back to old habits. When I am agitated, irritated, frustrated, happy, sad, overwhelmed, etc I bake because baking makes everything better RIGHT???? When I got home late last night I almost started to bake a cake. I was going to take it up to the hospital, I was going to make Grandmas carrot cake and she was going to love it. All of these thoughts ran through my head then I realized. #1 Cake is messy, Cupcakes would be better so people can just grab one when they NEED it #2 Grandma can’t have solid food, she is on clear liquids and they said she will be until tomorrow then only bland foods . I will wait until Wed to take it up to the hospital when she can eat it. #3 What the hell am I doing, No one NEEDS cake, no one NEEDS cupcakes. #4 Why the hell am I in my bathrobe after my shower with the cake pan and carrots out about to bake when I should be crawling in bed to try to get 4 full hours of sleep before I have to be back at the hospital.

My nature is to comfort and take care of people and for so long the way that was taught to me and the way I comforted someone was baking Cookies, cake, brownies, pie, etc. That is what my mom did for me, that is what my grandma did for her, that is what my grandmas mom did for her. For the last while I did not even think about doing that I was still there in mind enough that when I felt strong emotions I didn’t turn to baking or cooking. I think my brain is on such overload now that thinking about what I was doing just didn’t happen. After standing in my bathrobe in the kitchen and laughing at myself I put the carrots back in the fridge, I put the grater back in the cabinet turned off the light and went to bed.

SO guess what I dreamed about. Yep you guessed it BAKING In my dream I was baking for all of the Doctors and nurses at the hospital. I was shredding so many carrots that they kept falling out of the bowl. I had a mixing bowl so big my arms could not go around it to hold it so I could stir so I had to have my dad come over and hold the bowl for me. I made 30 carrot cakes (60 round pans so I could stack them) Then I decided that was not enough so I made a chocolate cake, lemon cake strawberry cake and angel food cake. When my alarm went off at 5:15 this morning I was still in the middle of my dream and I thought my alarm was the timer on the oven. (keep in mind I have not slept more than 3 or 4 hours in going on a week) I rolled out of bed walked in the kitchen and turned off the timer on the stove BEFORE I realized that it was my alarm not the stove.

I started getting ready this morning and pulled out my breakfast and lunch to take with me, got dressed did hair and makeup put on shoes and left the house leaving my breakfast and lunch at the house AGAIN. Today the cafeteria in the hospital had some eggs so I had two egg whites and some pineapple. I am still craving crap food. I want chips and queso, I want Chinese, I want pizza, I want a chili dog, I want everything. I am having to be really careful right now what I allow to be around me. Today is Tuesday so that means the office will be full of treats. I did what I did last week and everytime someone brings it in I put it in the conference room where everyone is at and I am NOT at. So far we have cookies and donuts and I heard panera bagels with Cream cheese is going to be delivered at 10. Since I knew that my brain was NOT here today and I have NO willpower I started dinner in the crock pot before I left so we are having salsa chicken on low carb tortillas tonight and I will also have it for dinner tomorrow might before my pottery class. I am NOT going to see grandma at the hospital tonight and I feel guilty about that but I need an evening to myself. I need to allow my brain to turn off

Diet Calendar Entry for 12 February 2013:
328 kcal Fat: 4.80g | Prot: 16.03g | Carb: 55.06g.   Breakfast: Egg White, Pineapple. Lunch: Minestrone Soup, Garden-Fresh Salad without Dressing. more...
on diet wichitaks's own diet  

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Its so hard to lose a loved one but sometimes you have to let them go. I took care of my dad as he lost his battle with cancer and towards the end he told me he was at peace with dieing. The qualtity of his life was so bad, constant pain, unable to eat, barely able to get out of bed, that death would be a relief. Taking care of him took away my fear of death.  
12 Feb 13 by member: fatoldlady
Hi, that is a roller-coaster ride ...Wow! Thanks for sharing with us. Being a long term caregiver to both my dad and mom, I relate to your lack of sleep. Taking care of our elderly impaired love ones can be challenging, depending on the intensity of their care tasks. I helped my mom take care of my dad as he suffered with lung cancer. It was so difficult to watch as he barely could breathe and needed help with all his daily living needs from bathing to feeding. Then years later being a caregiver for my mom, she was tough too and made her transition in peace. Being in a caregiver role really helped me remember the important things in life. So good that you taking time for yourself. That is something I am still working to do more of now. Enjoy your pottery class, you deserve it. Peace~  
12 Feb 13 by member: Taebogurl
wow....your story took me back nearly 30 years. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was 12. he was told he had 6 month to live. On my 18th birthday we brought him home from the hospital for the last time. My mum was his main carer but we tried to help as much as we could. He died 2 weeks later of a heartattack at home. But I think he was ready to go....because he had a smile on his face. it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. Nothing will make it easier for you. We can be here for you and offer you support. Bake as many cakes as you need to in your dream :) & I hope you can enjoy your evening {{huggz}} 
13 Feb 13 by member: schmetterling34

     
 

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