Chocokitty9's Journal, 22 January 2013

I couldn't get off to sleep last night, had absolutely no energy today.

It's really hard to keep positive with the weight loss/dieting/working out, I just really hate my body. I have stretch marks around my belly button which have only come up in the last month or so. I hate my body so much I cry hysterically sometimes, or even claw at the flab in some bad attempt to just rip it off. I know I'm not obese, just a bit overweight (but the heaviest I have ever been), but I can't help feeling so negative about my body.

Today was a bad day. After the salad for lunch, I then ate (for dinner) TWO sandwiches containing in EACH: 2 slices of bread, a layer of thickly cut cheese, two sausages, a burger, a gerkhin and sauces. I then proceeded to eat half a big cadbury dairy milk bar (to the sum of 100g), a chocolate milkshake and an apple.

But that isn't the worst bit. I puked it all back up. Not because eating all that made me feel ill, not because I have a stomach bug or have food poisoning. Because I shoved my fingers down my throat to get it all out. I know you're either asking 'Why?!' or you're either thinking that you've felt of doing the same sometimes. I really hope you haven't done the same. The strange thing is - I feel better after knowing that crap isn't in me anymore. You might be asking 'why eat it in the first place?' the answer: Because I wanted to. there's no excuses. I wanted to eat it, I knew it was bad, but I did anyway. I used to be in the habit of doing this, but that was a couple of years ago now, and I really don't want to start again. I just cannot describe the pure hatred I have for my body. Does anyone actually understand how I feel about my body?

I'm not looking for attention, I want to raise the fact that people do do this, it's not good. I am NOT encouraging this behaviour and I am NOT intending to do it again. I'm also looking for help in weightloss or at least learning to love my body.

Diet Calendar Entry for 22 January 2013:
895 kcal Fat: 30.15g | Prot: 24.35g | Carb: 122.44g.   Breakfast: Semi-Skimmed Milk, Pure Orange Juice, Special K Original Cereal. Lunch: Potato Salad. Snacks/Other: Chocolate Shake. more...

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Comments 
I think the vast majority of people on FS can probably understand your body issues (especially the ladies on here), but your intense emotions seem to me that you have other issues going on underneath that need to be addressed first. You can lose weight; we can all lose weight, but your mental and emotional state is not all because of your poor body image. I don't presume to know how difficult things may be for you; as we all have our stories, but I do understand body hate as someone who has also suffered eating disorders. All I can say to you is please stop purging - it is so very harmful and you need your body to be healthy if you want to have a future. Please think about how you got to this place and search out steps to help yourself out. You will get to the other side...just don't give up on yourself. 
22 Jan 13 by member: Josie Ann
Thank you for your comment (: I really needed to tell someone and I feel that I can't speak to someone, so I typed it up here. There are other issues and trying to tackle everything is a bit overwhelming. On what I did today, I do have steps - eat healthily, maybe a few meals a day (e.g. more than three), but little meals, so I don't get the intensely hungry feeling. Also going to bed much earlier in the hopes of sleeping better to have more energy. Do you have any ideas? Thank you again, good luck with your journey too! x 
22 Jan 13 by member: Chocokitty9
Good, it seems you have a plan to help you not binge and purge. I think ensuring you don't get crazy hungry is probably key, so eat regularly and don't skip any meals. Even a small piece of fruit is better than nothing. You can't think or rationalize properly if you're not feeding your body and mind regularly. We all have to come to terms with the body we're born with, but fortunately, we can control how much fat is on it. Lose the fat in a healthy manner; otherwise what's the point. Treat yourself with kindness and respect. Believe me one day you will appreciate your body regardless of how it looks. I wish you success and I hope you find peace.  
22 Jan 13 by member: Josie Ann
Sorry to read your story chocokitty :-( When do you get the urge to binge? Watching tv? Coming home from college? Cos youre not eaten much all day and allowed yourself to get hungry? Try and figure out what triggers your binges. Before you eat, make an effort to write down how you feel. I found that brushing my teeth or keeping my hands busy Ihelped - knit, make jewellery, paint your nails at times when you find you often binge. It helped me. Thinking of you Xxx 
22 Jan 13 by member: psylina
Thank you, very wise words. One day I won't care, you're right. good luck to you too x 
22 Jan 13 by member: Chocokitty9
My urge to binge comes from denying myself food (no fatty stuff at all), being hungry throughtout the day, but the biggest one is lack of energy and tiredness (which does hit at it's worst at the end of a university day). I have some pills to help me get off to sleep and hopefully that means being less tired in the day. I think I will write down how I feel before I eat and brushing your teeth after you eat I find to be helpful in preventing eating more (like dessert!). I haven't painted my nails for ages... Very good ideas! Thank you (: xxx 
23 Jan 13 by member: Chocokitty9

     
 

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