Pterath's Journal, 13 June 2016

I know it has been months since I last posted. Things at home and my business have been hectic and stressful and I have been neglecting me. I am trying to get myself back into a better frame of mind and trying to guilt myself into not neglecting myself and I am trying to get back on track.

In January we had to make major decisions in our business model and they were hard and I was angry about a lot of it until we made the changes and those changes led to success and 100+% increase in our business. Which is insane for 2 of us to maintain at times but not yet enough to hire. So, we recruit the kids when we need extra help either in the shop or warehouse or just extra chores. Both kids have been resentful, esp. my son.

Stress and my neglect of my eating habits meant the lbs slowly started creeping back on.

Then we had a convention and other events when we returned from the convention the kids were then on spring break and the weather had improved so we could get more work done and I tried to start back to eating better. THAT did not succeed. Miserably failed. Which made me feel worse and instead of making good choices I got into an I don't care depressive state. This state was largely incited when my son had a really horrible week. Ending in telling me off because we wanted 1.5 hours of his time in helping on a Saturday morning and then the rest of the day would have been free. Needless to say he told me off and things escalated til I was grounding him 'til school was out.

He has OCD and ADHD components to his Asperger's. His OCD is for video games and food. Well he was determined to get them back but not by remorsefulness or apology or anything that would have put him on a better path. No he stole ipads and laptops from school 3x and the principal reported him to the police even though I was the one that reported the theft to them each time and forced their obligatory return by my son. So, now he is facing charges legally. During this he threatened his own well being with 3 attempts at running away, then other thefts from us were discovered.

I am not blaming him for my eating spiraling out of control, no that is all on me. The stress did not help and depressive states never are good for my WOE. but during this time of the thefts, running away, guilt in feeling like a bad parent and living in a state of high alert for several weeks, med changes for him and some of them making things worse instead of better. It was not a good mindset for any of us. He is in therapy and meds have changed and seem to be having him functioning in a better state, certainly not perfect but improved. I am trying to get myself stabilized and part of that is fixing all the bad I have done to myself lately mentally and physically.

Part of what I have been trying to get myself back her and admitting my failings, missteps and trying to remove the fog of self-doubt and deprecation by simply speaking it. I have been trying to do this for several weeks and without success because I have not managed until today to force myself to sit down and say it all. I call it facing the music, much like I have been coaching my son on since the first theft. I have had to force my own words on myself.

I know stress will always be an issue and the past 5-6 months have been horrible esp since the beginning of April. My mother will be here in another 10 days, the business is booming and the last day of school is tomorrow. 8th grade graduation is tomorrow. We are running lawn sales 2-3 days a weekend, along with the business. My daughter has to be taken to work because she is not yet driving so 30 mins 2x a day of my time gone... but it was our idea that at 16 it was time to get a job and a feel for the real world. All of these things sometimes feel like a crushing weight esp when I am in a depressive state. But I am trying to own this and turn things around for me. Because I need to.. not for anyone else. I am doing this for me. The stress will never go away. I applaud anyone that has made it to maintenance and are succeeding. Add to all of this that I am in full menopause now.

Did I say tomorrow is the last day of school and my peace will be broken? I am going to miss the few hours of silence with no kids fighting all day long. I am hoping my daughter has loads of hours and my son does the work he needs to to repay the theft from our shop and the work he will need to do when the Youth Probation Officer stops by or we see her in her office trying to get himself off on first offence....

Pray for my success and theirs and I will pray for yours.

~Kelly

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1231 kcal

Fat: 87.08g | Prot: 80.17g | Carb: 54.07g.   Breakfast: Tap Water, Dynasty Oolong Tea. Lunch: Lipton Black Tea Bags, Tap Water, Taco Bell Border Sauce - Fire, Sour Cream, Butter, Laughing Cow Mini Babybel Light Cheese, Onions, Brown Mushrooms (Crimini Italian), Scrambled Egg. Dinner: Onions, cole slaw low carb style, Walden Farms Sugar Free Calorie Free Thick N Spicy Barbecue Sauce, Tomatoes, Hormel Pork Butt Roast, La Tortilla Factory Whole Wheat Low Carb High Fiber Tortillas. Snacks/Other: Atkins Endulge Chocolate Coconut Bar, Cottage Cheese. more...