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30 October 2014

I managed to go 24 hours without sugar! Then I immediately failed when someone put peanut butter m&ms in front of me. I've told myself this is my one treat and the 24 hour ban begins again.. starting now. Still I did succeed for 24 hours despite the chocolate chip cookies yelling at me from the cabinet as I created a last minute dinner of pizza because well.. I mowed most of the lawn with little man instead of figuring out what to make.

Last night I discovered a pair of skinny jeans in my home. They aren't my skinny jeans though. They're an annoying homewrecker woman's jeans who I can't stand who has been gone from our home for almost 2 years now. So.. well I have no ambition to return the skinny jeans to this woman. This is the pair of jeans she flaunted being a size 6 right after I had little man. She still claimed to have to lose her baby weight despite her children being 6 and 8 so she could get back to a "decent size". So ok.. maybe these weren't her skinny jeans. These were her look at me I'm a size 6 and you're not jeans.

After a noise of disgust and resisting the urge to stab the jeans with a sharp pair of scissors I got to thinking. What better motivation to get down to an all time low than this woman's jeans. Just knowing I could fit into her jeans would be a kind of "HA HA! Look whose hot now!" you freaking bleepity bleep moment. Is this sick and twisted? Or is it genious to use a goal that came from a woman who made you feel like an unworthy pile of poo so not only do you reach the goal but you get to meet it and know you're not only a better person but your butt is smaller as well.

Is it wrong to use another woman's skinny jeans as your goal?? Personally I don't have a size of skinny jeans that small. My skinny jeans are a size 8. Discovering them made me instantly regret the m&m's and wish for a treadmill and a salad so wrong or not.. I'm keeping them till I know they fit then I will stab them with a sharp pair of scissors.. because well.. having several small children and trying to get your body back leaves you slightly unhinged.

29 October 2014

I'm giving up sugar for 24 hours because, well, my butt feels rounder today. I'm convinced this will make all the difference. By tonight I will be a size 6 instead of a size 16. I may also be slightly dillusional but don't pop my bubble. I like my bubble. Where did my bubble come from? No freaking clue. All of a sudden I'm talking about a bubble and I don't know why. So.. um.. anyways..

In an effort to curb the whole I could eat anything and everything in my path trend I'm attempting to eat a bigger breakfast and add more protein. And also.. not eat sugar for 24 hours. Because that's the game changer right there. I'm convinced. Plus I ate most of my candy yesterday so this should be alot easier to accomplish. Until the kids go trick or treating.. Maybe if I manage 24 hours I will renew the 24 hour goal. I can't dedicate myself to that though. It's all about the baby steps and mind games I play with myself. Sometimes I play them with others but they look at me strangely when I do.

Exercise.. um I'm starting that 30 day challenge thing again after several days off. I swear I'm committed this time though. Really I am.

27 October 2014

UGH!!! I have that whole I want to eat everything in sight thing going on right now. I thought I could make it manageable by limiting myself to things like veggies, fruits, yogurt, oatmeal,... I think healthy things just intensified my desire to eat my weight in chocolate. GAH! Tomorrow I will come up with a new plan.. that includes alot of protein. It may be an entire side of beef but it will be a better plan. Until then.. I'm eyeballing post its because they're reminding me of banana flavored laughy taffy. I can't decide which is worse.. the desire to eat everything I can or the desire to not spend money doing it. I wonder if the two are connected? I told myself I wasn't going to spend any money this week and instead was going to bring food with me. Result?? I ate a weeks worth of "snacks" in 1 day.

The only saving grace to any of this is magic boobs. If I did the math right I'm burning at least an extra 600 calories just by being the owner of magic boobs. Now I just have to wire my mouth shut.. *smacking head* Oh and I need to restart my 30 day challenge.. because I forgot for 2 days in a row. Does this indicate commitment issues? I'd like to think it indicates commitment issues and not a lack of brain cells. I'd wake up on the couch at 3 am and think.. "Pfft.. yeah right squat this." Then stumble my way back to bed. So technically.. that's commitment. Or its part of having small children and a husband who thinks he's dying when he gets a small cold.

Speaking of dying.. This is going to make me sound like a cold slightly unhinged mother but... well you don't know me so I can sound like a slightly unhinged mother. I couldn't exactly say what I thought to the school nurse. My 10 yr old got elbowed in the face during gym today. She could have a black eye.. although 5 hours later it still wasn't a black eye so I doubt it.

Nurse: I was just calling to tell you your daughter was injured today in gym class. There is a little bit of a dispute between your daughter and the other student but she was either elbowed in the eye or she was hit in the face by the students shoulder.
Me: *thinking ok.. shoulder.. whose going to know better? the kid with the eye or the kid with the shoulder?" Ok.
Nurse: We were wondering if it's possible for someone to get your daughter. She seems fine. She isn't showing any signs of a concussion but if she starts to show *blank blank blank* you should take her to the drs. (I stopped listening. I'm still trying to figure out where a hit to the face in gym that doesn't require medical attention equals a free trip home.)
Me: So... she's fine and she doesn't show any signs she needs to go to the ER?
Nurse: No... but it probably hurts.

Uh huh... So I call the husband. "Hey honey? Can you go pick up the preteen? She smacked her face on some kid."

Husband: "Huh????"
Me: Preteen smacked her face on a kid in gym class. The school is sending her home.
Husband: Are you taking her to the doctors?
Me: Nope.. apparently it probably hurts. School is sending her home. It wasn't my idea. *crickets* Tell her to use her good eye and clean her room.

This happened at 9am.. its now 4pm. According to the preteen she's near death. Her face hurts. She might get a black eye!! Oh and she tried to take an asprin but she almost died. She could have choked to death but it's ok she made it to the garbage can in time to spit the pill out. She isn't sure if she can go to school tomorrow. Now if the nurse had just told her to suck it up and stop being a baby I wouldn't have to listen to the preteen's description of dying for the 100th time in her fake I'm so sick voice tonight. I should sell tickets. The acting is a little over the top but the "Moooooooooooooom!"s are hilarious. I'm going to count my blessings my other two are boys. So far Little Man is a tank and Jason is being brought up with this tank giving him lovins.. I should be safe. I may not be able to make it to work tomorrow though.. I may sprain an eyeball attempting to not roll them.

23 October 2014

I can't pee!!! Well I could pee. If I could sit. Just another bit of proof that I'm going downhill fast. I did 50 squats yesterday. Today?? I can't sit. It's either going to kill me going down or kill me attempting to get up. Whichever it is.. I can't pee because I can't sit and I'd never be able to get back off the toilet if I did. And well... I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the bathroom at work.

Who knew you could get out of shape so fast??? Then I did the math and it's been about 11 months since I've lifted weights. Sure I still milk cows every once in a while but not like I used to. Now that hubby has the extra help in the barn I spend my nights chasing kids, arguing over veggies, and screaming at them to stop screaming. Although.. last night my quiet, teeth clenched, deep voiced "The next person who screams IS GOING TO BED." Did seem to work better than the typical "inside voices" "be quiet" "SHUT UP".

I guess is serves me right. I smirked when I read my challenge. Plank.. crunch.. pushup.. and squat? Ha! Easy Peasy. NOT! And I'm suppose to increase the squats and crunches by 5 each day?? The pushup by 1.. and the plank by 5 seconds?? Every day?? For 30 days?? HOW!?!?! *smacking head* I just want to be able to sit and pee!

As for everything else in my dieting world. I want a poptart and I want it bad. *smacking head*

21 October 2014

Oooh looky me!! Ok.. maybe I need to stop talking to the little man as much. Instead of me teaching him to talk properly he's teaching me to talk like a toddler. Still.. OOOOH Looky me!! The scale is finally listening to me and going in the direction I told it to go. At least something is listening to me and doing what I asked. No one else in the house does this. Except maybe the dogs.. if I have food in my hands. If there is no food in my hands I might as well give up that battle too.

In an effort to avoid front butt, bat wing arms, muffin top and a butt shelf I decided to attempt something I saw on Pinterest. It's a 30 day challenge of squats, planks, crunches and pushups. You see how many you can do the first day then increase them each day by a certain number. Today.. is day 1. I'll post what I can do later.. as I do them.. around the office when my boss isn't looking. You know if I attempt to do this at home I will either be tackled, hugged/wet kissed into submission, interrupted with demands of ____, crowded off the free floor space with "Looky me!!!" or possibly run over by a remote control tow truck that was too precious to go outside and now does racecar type laps around my dining room table. Honestly I'm scared. I went from doing 75 lb squats at the gym to pregnancy.. to well.. I'm scared. Heck a 1 minute plank kicked my butt. Supposedly I could work myself up to a 5 minute plank doing this.. is that even humanly possible?? That's like saying the dimples on my butt will some day disappear. Maybe that should be a diet goal.... I will lose enough weight that the dimples on my butt disappear. That seems lofty though. It's like the dieters that say my first goal is to lose 100 lbs. So my first goal is to eliminate any signs of front butt... and stop hiding candy in the center console of my car because it was the only hiding spot the kids wouldn't find it.. inhale it.. then run circles around me.

I wonder if fitness challenges on Pinterest turn out better than some of the other crafty ideas they have that turn into wet soggy messes of poop.

Day 1
Plank: 60 seconds
Crunch: 25
Push-Up: 5
Squats: 25

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