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01 March 2018

Day 2 of the happiness hunt. Things didn't go quite as well yesterday as I had hoped. Homemade pizza never happened. My husband decided to throw out my almond flour. Only he didn't tell me he threw out my almond flour. So I was still under the assumption that I had almond flour until it came time to add the almond flour. I totally threw a tantrum over almond flour. You would have thought it was my precious or a child that was my favorite hands down almond flour baby. That was my almond flour. Ok ok.. he moved the flour to a cabinet I don't use because it has a history of friendly mouse visits during winter months. It's an old farmhouse so there is bound to be a couple places. I never noticed he moved it and guess what. A mouse loved my almond flour as much as I do. So he threw it out.. and didn't tell me. So it's not like he was discriminating against the almond flour but still. I still totally yelled STOP TOUCHING MY THINGS!! Luckily he wasn't there when I yelled these things. And I refused to answer any phone calls after the first one demanding to know where my almond flour was because well.. huh.. I wonder if almond flour has ever been mentioned in any divorce proceedings.

I'm totally a brat about this and I know it. I also know I got so upset because I tried to do something for me and it didn't work out. So after the almond flour incident of 2018 I made the best of it. I made Utica Greens and crustless pizza. I will even post one of those food pics like everyone else to prove it!!

Today I'm still finding ways to add more positivity into my life. I worked out at lunchtime. I listened to a couple inspiring podcasts on the drive to work. I recapped day 1 on my blog. I'm writing here. I'm writing again. I meditated. I called an amazing friend just to hear his voice. And because I worked out at lunchtime I now have time to do something enjoyable tonight.

28 February 2018

Today I am finding my Happy. I read an article "Coping with Weight Means Coping with Life" that woke me up while I was on vacation with the kids last week. It talks about looking at everything that goes into being overweight like eating habits, exercise, self-image, etc. and instead of just dieting one should take a look at their life as a whole and makes sure it's being lived in a healthy way. Living with purpose, meaning, creativity, love, self-worth, etc. I thought it was a great article because it spoke to me and everything I'm lacking. I mean really.. if someone really loves themself and has self worth do they see how many gummy bears they can eat in one sitting? Not that I would ever do that.... even if we found freshly made gummy bears that were so soft they were like tiny clouds of sugary goodness.

During vacation a couple things happened. One.. we went to Indianapolis. NOT the winter vacation capital of the US. But it's where my mom lives so that's where we went. On the way down I could barely fit into the booth at a rest area Subway restaurant. I fit.. it just wasn't pretty and my son offered to push with both his feet to get me out when it was time to leave. Granted I've never had problems in a booth before so the booth was likely tighter than normal but STILL. Being too big for even a tight booth is an eye opening experience. I never want to be too big for a booth again. What happens if my son isn't there to push my butt back out and I get stuck?!?

Two.. I got to talk. I got to let go of everything that has been bugging me. All my thoughts. All my questions. All the nitty gritty do you know what he did, said, did, didn't do, smelled like, etc. I didn't have to second guess anything I did or said. I could just be me. Messy hair, yoga pants wearing, kid yelling me. All the resentfulness and anger I feel at home was instantly gone. I was able to relax. When I was able to relax... I stopped eating. I read an article about treating my whole life and not just my body and I said AHA! Then my mom's tiny dog jumped, barked, the kids got excited and I think the tiny dog almost had a heart attack.

I got to have time to myself and do what I wanted to do without anyone asking me for a glass of water or requesting that I wipe their butt. Sure it was only a few hours but it was a glorious couple of hours. You try being on constant butt wiping duty. My co-workers are lucky I don't ask them if they need help when they pick the stall next to mine.

Anyways.... today is Day 1 of me finding my Happy. I'm loving myself by eating healthy. I meditated to make sure I found a time of quiet. I take the time to exercise tonight to make sure I love my body. AND!!! I'm cooking. Because it's something I used to like doing and I thought was fun until I had a family and they all complained they weren't going to eat what I cooked. So I adjusted and made things they wanted. I've made the same things night after night after night until it became meals from a box because meh.. what's the point if they won't eat anyways. Not tonight. Tonight I am making a healthy version of homemade pizza and utica greens. Will they eat it? Probably not. I figure that's why hot dogs were invented.

14 February 2018

I've got NOTHING. I noticed I hadn't journaled in a while though so I have decided to ramble. I don't recommend reading this. Reading this may be confusing and possibly boring as crap but I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing things that don't start with TO DO at the top.

Ok.. so it's Valentines Day which I don't really like because it's kind of a mandatory Show your love now! day. If I love someone I will tell them and show them on my schedule. Yes I'm totally being a brat about this. I hate feeling obligated to do something. I couldn't even get through the mushy card bit. Then again.. I'm not feeling all warm and squishy so maybe I'm just bitter and old and cranky and jaded. What they really need is show yourself some love day. It should be celebrated with sweat pants, bath balms, a good dinner of whatever you desire, and not require you to do a single darn thing for anyone else. Ooooh I like this idea. I'm turning the day of love into go love yourself and if someone doesn't like it they can go bugger off.

It's also Ash Wednesday... which I don't celebrate but I work with people who celebrate it. Apparently these people cannot have sugar? I'm assuming that is it because they keep complaining they can't eat the cookies in the kitchen which somewhere in my mind registers as MORE FOR ME!! and I go.. and I eat their cookie. I am logging all these cookies so it's not like I'm going wild but I don't think I would be eating the cookies at all if it weren't for people complaining they can't have them. It's like I'm compensating. I hate when I don't think I can eat cookies. All I want is the freaking cookies. So.. I ate the cookie because they can't. If you think about it I am doing the selfless act of ensuring there are less cookies for them to not have. I think... I also didn't make it to the gym so I have to workout tonight or my dinner will consist of a dinner mint.

Did I mention calorie tracking kinda sucks?? All the good foods have an unnatural number of calories. Like cookies! If the cookies were carrots they wouldn't have nearly as many calories. Just sayin.. this could be a conspiracy.

Ok I think I've rambled enough to earn my straight jacket today. Plus the cookies are gone. I only had 2. Someone was obviously was way more selfless than me and ate them all. Also.. I need to thank the HR girl who came by to chat during ice cream sundae time. Yes.. my work has ice cream sundae breaks. It also has a gym... Kinda sending mixed messages here.

26 January 2018

"In order to find yourself you have to lose yourself." by I missed that part but it was someone in a TED talk.

I love this saying! I probably only love it because I feel like I have lost myself and this gives me hope that I can find myself. Now that I've written that it seems weird. What am I, a set of car keys? I did lose the phone in the freezer once so in a twisted way it does kinda make sense that I could lose myself.

Logging food for the 3rd day. Drinking more water because it's casual Friday and I can wear jeans. Came up with a writing idea that I am going to follow through with because I promised the universe that if it gave me another story idea I would get this one written. Yes.. I read a Brene Brown book and now I'm afraid I won't have any more story ideas because the Universe will get pissed off at me and just skip to the next person who wants to write a book.

Did you know that 3 out of 5 people want to write a book? They then follow this with "but it's a lot of work". Like.. yeah everyone WANTS to write a book. Ya'll are just too lazy to follow through. Yes.. I heard that in the car and may have accidently flipped off the driver next to me. I didn't mean him.... I meant the saying. By the time I mouthed no no not you.. and dramatically pointed to my radio he was pulling away as quickly as he could refusing to make any more eye contact. Lesson? Write a book, and prove the people on the radio wrong and stop flipping people who can't see you off. Unless they are your children.. not that I would EVER do that. At least not that I would admit.

Seriously though... kids and teenagers can be a-holes. Like when you work and commute and are away from home for 11-12 hours a day and still have to make dinner, feed chickens, give baths, and read for 20 minutes because the Kindergarten teacher keeps sending home notes about pointing to words and reading for 20 minutes a day like she doesn't believe you are even attempting to get your 5 yr old to read. Which you do but he's 5 and he has no interest and apparently I have the most entertaining ceiling EVER because that's what he looks at when he reads. Wait.. got lost. Anyways.. when you are busy, exhausted, and don't have a minute to yourself so you tell your kid. "No you can't go to that thing tonight because you are doing something every other night and I don't want to add driving you to ten places to my list of things to do tonight." and then they ask 20 times via text and phone with please.. please I will.. but I really want to go. All this happens while you are at work and you finally answer the phone "WHAT!!!!!" only to see your boss walk up to your office and do a very very quick U-turn. Sure it looked really bad snapping at work and yeah I said no.. over and over again and yeah she is literally going somewhere every other night. Somehow I'm still the bad guy and the universe has imploded in dramatic fashion. Not that I would flip off the angry/sad/someone kicked my puppy kinda mopey teenager. There's no proof I did. Wait.. the 3 yr old might have seen it.. I doubt it though. He was too busy opening all the poptarts to use as toys for his toy skid steer.

26 January 2018

Weigh-in: 212.5 lb lost so far: 3.3 lb still to go: 72.5 lb Diet followed reasonably well
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