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20 August 2016

I am a closet smoked oyster eater and.. I have no clue what to do with myself so I ate smoked oysters. The tiny humans are asleep for a late nap. The preteen is at a sleepover. The husband is in the barn starting chores. I'm basically stuck in the house until a dog barks and wakes everyone up or someone wakes up on their own. I refuse to wake anyone up. I just won't. They're not happy when you wake them up. I refuse to force to very unhappy tiny humans on myself until I absolutely have to. So? So I ate smoked oysters.. and a banana. Technically healthy foods although I don't recommend the combination. Anyone who knows me.. NO I'm not preggers again. I look preggers because I cannot get my butt in gear and lose weight to save my life. The oysters and banana probably didn't help...

Fiber pills!! Seem to do all sorts of things for me. Such as.. farting! I'm farting. Luckily no one is awake or here to hear me. When they are I blame it on the nearest animal. Yes.. cows fart loud enough for your to hear them sometimes. I can totally blame these on a cow. I've been taking 2 about 20 minutes before each meal and it does seem to curb my appetite some. Or maybe that's the big glass of water I'm taking with them. That whole warning to only take them in an upright position and to start out with only 1 serving.. 1 serving is 5 pills 4 times daily. HOLY PILLS BATMAN. No. No thank you. 2 before a meal sounded like a splendid plan to me. Now I just have to get cravings under control. And exercise... And.. stop eating smoked oysters with a banana as a snack. No. Still not pregnant. Why is it that after 3 everyone wants to know when the next one is? Do they want to see if we are the next 20 and counting? 3 are like herding cats. I would hate to see what 4 or 5 are like.

Todays lesson.. no more oysters.. fiber pills.. water.. and move. Move more. A lot more..

18 August 2016

The site block on my journal at work is messing with me. Journaling on an iPhone loses its inspiration about half way through because letter picking with my thumbs is just annoying. It's like a never ending text message to myself. I wonder which looks worse the multiple attempts to see my journal that has been labeled as porn or sending a never ending text message. If IT was smart they would just let me have my porn.

So far I'm struggling. I'm stuck. My stuck weight used to be 180. Now it's 206. I don't want my stuck weight to be 206. I miss working out and having pants that fit properly. I need something to pull me out of 206. I think I'm wedged. Today I'm trying to come up with ways to unstuck myself, rambling because iPhone journals suck, and debating psyllium husk pills. Maybe if I took them I wouldn't be tempted to eat so much. I wonder what they look like if you put them in a cup of water and let them dissolve. Anyone have any experience with these things?

14 August 2016

If I could sweat away calories I would be a size 6 right now. This weekend has been the town fair. Between the preteen and the boys that has meant a lot of driving back and forth and standing in the sun.. sweating. I haven't done to horribly though. One ice cream and one lemonade. I still have tonight to go but I haven't had any of the horrible options like fried dough or cotton candy or well.. anything else horrible.

Monday I am going to be extra good to attempt to keep this journey on the right track. I figure a few days of zero sugar and no processed carbs and I will be back to my old not as many craving attacks... I can hope. Ok tell me if this is weird. ESPN has a naked Olympians article. Yes I looked. I looked several times. lol There isn't obvious hell nudity shots but there is definitely a showcase of muscles. I have found my ideal body. It's a boxer's body. If it wasn't weird I would have cut the picture out and pasted it to the refrigerator. I don't think the husband would have minded. I'm currently resisting the odd urge for the sake of the preteens and having to explain it to her friends when they come over.

Now.. I have to go convince a 4 yr old.. I'm the boss. Not him. Me. Because when typing on a computer it never fails that a child will try to convince me of something.. like having an extra popsicle when they have already has a couple today and they were told.. last one. On the last one. But he's good and it threw the wrapper that is currently under the table away.. I will not eat cookies, I will not eat cookies, I will not eat cookies. I will have a boxers body. I will have a boxers body. Now a 2 yr old is humping my leg because he wants to be picked up.. Is this normal??

11 August 2016

Dear Self,

Stop being an A-hole and get with the program. Zebra cakes have zero nutritional value and no.. they are not a "morning pick me up". We will not "start over tomorrow". We will not put off exercise because we are "busy" with the kids, cows, sleep, housework, or freaking out over what we ate today. Again.. zebra cakes have no nutritional value don't even think about looking at the box to justify them.

We were in shape once. We will get there again. Yes we are a shape now and that shape is round but that's not what I was talking about and you know it. Stop being a butthead. We treated our body well once. There was a time when a zebra cake was looked at with the disgust that it deserves. Yes it deserves it. Stop looking at me like that. No we should not eat them all to get it over with. The children have been raised to sniff these things out and either eat them or take a bite and promptly throw them to the ground where they expect the dog to eat them. Zebra cakes are dog food.

Stress is not an excuse to eat. Life is tough and you're no cupcake. We need to lose the muffin top so that statement is more believable.

In conclusion, Self get your crap together.

Thank you,
Your butt, muffin top, front butt, ankles, and the buff chick living inside you that is getting ready to kick your butt if you eat another zebra cake

09 August 2016

Have you ever looked at your spouse and thought "I wonder if he's ready for a divorce yet." That happened tonight. And then Ben and Jerry completed their journey to cheer me up. Ben and Jerry have officially left the building. The husband and I.. eh.. we're not really on speaking terms. He's stressed over the farm and the drop in dairy prices and bills. I'm just plain stressed. Two stressed out people plus 3 screaming kids just adds to more screaming. Especially when one of the kids smashes another kids hand in the door on purpose because he doesn't want him to go to the outside. Then one parent yells at the child and drags them screaming to time out while the other parent (points to the husband) demands to know. "WHAT NOW??" Yup.. did not go over well.. for anyone. Then one parent (points to the husband) walks dramatically to the barn. Uh huh.. then Ben and Jerry appeared and the thought popped into my head.

It is remarkably quiet in the house now. I passed on the meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I figure Ben or Jerry were more than enough let alone both of them. Then I cleaned the house like a mad woman... and now the husband is walking back and forth sighing... I think a kid got mashed potatoes on him.

Starting right now all of this has got to get better or I'm going to start learning to knit so I can make us all straight jackets. On the plus side a knitted straight jacket would be fuzzy and soft and I wouldn't be able to put any more Ben and Jerry's in my pie hole.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Both for my diet, my nerves, and hopefully my marriage.

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