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16 March 2018

Annnnnnd attempt number 3 at journaling. If this doesn't work then it's official. Fatsecret does not like me. I've tried two other times to journal over the past week or so and every time I hit Save the Journal goes into the ether.. I stare at the screen for a minute.. think about rewriting what I just wrote.. then figure the universe didn't want me to put that out there.

This week there was a health assessment at work where they informed me I was fat and probably going to die at some point. Well ok not really. They just wrote a bunch of numbers on a paper and said this is you. This is the number you should be. Oh and they told me my body fat percentage to which I blinked a lot and twitched. Maybe.. just maybe. It's the wakeup that I need. Or maybe the incentives they give us to talk to a fitness coach, go to the gym, and become less fat and dying will work. I figured out that if I did everything they want me to do I would probably lose weight and make enough extra money to get back into photography. I can't seem to justify buying myself an expensive toy for an old hobby BUT I think I can convince myself I earned it if I keep up with the whole work fitness stop dying thing.

I'm still trying to find my happy. I'm meditating once a day. The Deepak Opera free 21 day meditation for weight loss thing starts tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to that. Because.. it's free, it's about weight loss, and it's free. I'm working out once a day. It's amazing what working out can do to improve ones depression and desire to strangle random people. I still desire to strangle some people but the list is slightly smaller. I can now settle for just smacking most of them upside the back of the head. I'm convinced the trainers at the gym are watching me though.. I think it's my guilt of becoming the elliptical girl. I should break out and do more things.. but the trainers are watching me. And.. they are not free. They are super expensive and probably judging me. Apparently working out every day may improve depression but it also increases paranoia of trainers.

Um.. lost journals. Asparagus pee in public bathrooms. Do you think people notice and why does this one girl ALWAYS pick the stall right next to me? Does she like my shoes? Someone super influential in my life who has helped me through recent events and who has helped me see myself as worthy again.. who is amazing, caring, loving, funny, smart, and slightly wacked in the head might be moving on in life and probably out of my life which makes me really sad but super grateful for the time I had with them and for the person they helped me to become. They helped convince me that I needed to find and create my own happy. Because what's life about otherwise? I'm pretty sure if I died tomorrow I would be replaced at work in 4 weeks because it takes 2 weeks for an HR request. Life is about family, love, friends, and slowing down enough to see the beauty around us. Sure... my beauty is currently buried under 4 foot of snow because Upstate NY ordered extra snow and someone forgot to turn it off BUT even snow can be pretty when watched in the comfort of your own home with a hot cup of coffee and fuzzy socks... or from a snow mobile. I need a snow mobile.

And now for the test and the click of the "Save". If this doesn't work I give up but none of you will know that I gave up so really there is no point in giving up if no one knows you gave up. I think. Maybe.

01 March 2018

01 March 2018

Day 2 of the happiness hunt. Things didn't go quite as well yesterday as I had hoped. Homemade pizza never happened. My husband decided to throw out my almond flour. Only he didn't tell me he threw out my almond flour. So I was still under the assumption that I had almond flour until it came time to add the almond flour. I totally threw a tantrum over almond flour. You would have thought it was my precious or a child that was my favorite hands down almond flour baby. That was my almond flour. Ok ok.. he moved the flour to a cabinet I don't use because it has a history of friendly mouse visits during winter months. It's an old farmhouse so there is bound to be a couple places. I never noticed he moved it and guess what. A mouse loved my almond flour as much as I do. So he threw it out.. and didn't tell me. So it's not like he was discriminating against the almond flour but still. I still totally yelled STOP TOUCHING MY THINGS!! Luckily he wasn't there when I yelled these things. And I refused to answer any phone calls after the first one demanding to know where my almond flour was because well.. huh.. I wonder if almond flour has ever been mentioned in any divorce proceedings.

I'm totally a brat about this and I know it. I also know I got so upset because I tried to do something for me and it didn't work out. So after the almond flour incident of 2018 I made the best of it. I made Utica Greens and crustless pizza. I will even post one of those food pics like everyone else to prove it!!

Today I'm still finding ways to add more positivity into my life. I worked out at lunchtime. I listened to a couple inspiring podcasts on the drive to work. I recapped day 1 on my blog. I'm writing here. I'm writing again. I meditated. I called an amazing friend just to hear his voice. And because I worked out at lunchtime I now have time to do something enjoyable tonight.

28 February 2018

Today I am finding my Happy. I read an article "Coping with Weight Means Coping with Life" that woke me up while I was on vacation with the kids last week. It talks about looking at everything that goes into being overweight like eating habits, exercise, self-image, etc. and instead of just dieting one should take a look at their life as a whole and makes sure it's being lived in a healthy way. Living with purpose, meaning, creativity, love, self-worth, etc. I thought it was a great article because it spoke to me and everything I'm lacking. I mean really.. if someone really loves themself and has self worth do they see how many gummy bears they can eat in one sitting? Not that I would ever do that.... even if we found freshly made gummy bears that were so soft they were like tiny clouds of sugary goodness.

During vacation a couple things happened. One.. we went to Indianapolis. NOT the winter vacation capital of the US. But it's where my mom lives so that's where we went. On the way down I could barely fit into the booth at a rest area Subway restaurant. I fit.. it just wasn't pretty and my son offered to push with both his feet to get me out when it was time to leave. Granted I've never had problems in a booth before so the booth was likely tighter than normal but STILL. Being too big for even a tight booth is an eye opening experience. I never want to be too big for a booth again. What happens if my son isn't there to push my butt back out and I get stuck?!?

Two.. I got to talk. I got to let go of everything that has been bugging me. All my thoughts. All my questions. All the nitty gritty do you know what he did, said, did, didn't do, smelled like, etc. I didn't have to second guess anything I did or said. I could just be me. Messy hair, yoga pants wearing, kid yelling me. All the resentfulness and anger I feel at home was instantly gone. I was able to relax. When I was able to relax... I stopped eating. I read an article about treating my whole life and not just my body and I said AHA! Then my mom's tiny dog jumped, barked, the kids got excited and I think the tiny dog almost had a heart attack.

I got to have time to myself and do what I wanted to do without anyone asking me for a glass of water or requesting that I wipe their butt. Sure it was only a few hours but it was a glorious couple of hours. You try being on constant butt wiping duty. My co-workers are lucky I don't ask them if they need help when they pick the stall next to mine.

Anyways.... today is Day 1 of me finding my Happy. I'm loving myself by eating healthy. I meditated to make sure I found a time of quiet. I take the time to exercise tonight to make sure I love my body. AND!!! I'm cooking. Because it's something I used to like doing and I thought was fun until I had a family and they all complained they weren't going to eat what I cooked. So I adjusted and made things they wanted. I've made the same things night after night after night until it became meals from a box because meh.. what's the point if they won't eat anyways. Not tonight. Tonight I am making a healthy version of homemade pizza and utica greens. Will they eat it? Probably not. I figure that's why hot dogs were invented.

14 February 2018

I've got NOTHING. I noticed I hadn't journaled in a while though so I have decided to ramble. I don't recommend reading this. Reading this may be confusing and possibly boring as crap but I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing things that don't start with TO DO at the top.

Ok.. so it's Valentines Day which I don't really like because it's kind of a mandatory Show your love now! day. If I love someone I will tell them and show them on my schedule. Yes I'm totally being a brat about this. I hate feeling obligated to do something. I couldn't even get through the mushy card bit. Then again.. I'm not feeling all warm and squishy so maybe I'm just bitter and old and cranky and jaded. What they really need is show yourself some love day. It should be celebrated with sweat pants, bath balms, a good dinner of whatever you desire, and not require you to do a single darn thing for anyone else. Ooooh I like this idea. I'm turning the day of love into go love yourself and if someone doesn't like it they can go bugger off.

It's also Ash Wednesday... which I don't celebrate but I work with people who celebrate it. Apparently these people cannot have sugar? I'm assuming that is it because they keep complaining they can't eat the cookies in the kitchen which somewhere in my mind registers as MORE FOR ME!! and I go.. and I eat their cookie. I am logging all these cookies so it's not like I'm going wild but I don't think I would be eating the cookies at all if it weren't for people complaining they can't have them. It's like I'm compensating. I hate when I don't think I can eat cookies. All I want is the freaking cookies. So.. I ate the cookie because they can't. If you think about it I am doing the selfless act of ensuring there are less cookies for them to not have. I think... I also didn't make it to the gym so I have to workout tonight or my dinner will consist of a dinner mint.

Did I mention calorie tracking kinda sucks?? All the good foods have an unnatural number of calories. Like cookies! If the cookies were carrots they wouldn't have nearly as many calories. Just sayin.. this could be a conspiracy.

Ok I think I've rambled enough to earn my straight jacket today. Plus the cookies are gone. I only had 2. Someone was obviously was way more selfless than me and ate them all. Also.. I need to thank the HR girl who came by to chat during ice cream sundae time. Yes.. my work has ice cream sundae breaks. It also has a gym... Kinda sending mixed messages here.

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