|
I posted the beginning of this in my Daily check-in group, but wanted to put it here in my journal also since it is important I see it here.
Well that 1/2 pound did register today, back up...eeekkk hate that. Also I posted I'm at 172 but my ticker shows 174? At least it did yesterday, lets see what it does today.
I did see something amusing on Facebook today, it was a 'funny' with a scale and had the caption; "This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are" It showed that it was found at http://recovery.has.set.me.free.tumblr.com/
I'm kind of lazy today, just not motivated to do much of anything. I had plans of doing a lot this weekend, but oh well, we sometimes need the 'do nothing weekends'. Just seems like most of my weekends have been like that! Happy Labor Day to ALL
That is the end of my Daily check-in post.
But I wanted to add more. I did exercise yesterday in the ocean walking against the current, I will try to get out there again today, but I just don't feel motivated. Plus I do have full time mother duty. That is really taking a toll on me. I just don't understand how I'm going to survive this stress with her. The Alzheimer's is in the middle to early late stage I guess. I think it is difficult to pin point the exact stage and what is to come and when, guess that is why it is so frustrating. She is physically very healthy, probably better than me. She is in her own little world, she talks sometimes, will repeat things you say and kind of answer questions, but doesn't know who I am. She walks around, and 'plays' with cards, dolls and other toys. She feeds herself (kind of) But not go to the bathroom on her own or shower or dress herself completely. The bathroom issues are very stressful for me (wears full time Depends). She really doesn't have any stress that I can tell. So what is going to happen? I just don't know. All I know is add to that my financial concerns and a job I don't like, and other issues and sometimes I feel I just want to pull the covers over my head and forget everything. I could sure use a drink, but I know if I do, that will lead to going off my woe right now and I have to keep this up, even though my weight is going up/down (down very slow) and it sneaks back on even when I do everything right. I'm also tired of 'friends' giving me advise as to I must be doing something wrong since I don't loose weight like they do when they just do hardly anything to loose and can go out for beer and snacks on the weekends and not gain a pound. Or if they do, it is off in 2 days.
Oh I just very tired.
Last year my dad passed away. He had Parkinson's and I was full time caregiver for him also. I work in a family business so I would get up everyday, deal with both of them, and on weekdays take them both to work. At work I would have to keep an eye on them and do my job. Although everyone thought it wasn't much to take care of them, they really had no idea. I wasn't sure I would survive my dad. He had physical challenges but his mind was ok. (dad was 87 when he passed, mom is now 89). Honestly I don't understand why there are these diseases, they are so cruel. My dad would fall and I would have to get him off the floor. I hurt my back so the last year of his life, when he was on the floor I would call my brother (20 minutes away) or the fire/police dept to help get him up again. He also wore Depends full time. I just don't understand and I feel like I will never be free. I'm just too old to be in this situation (60 last March) I don't think I'll ever be able to retire and I feel I am doomed, like I'm in prison. Sure there are ok days, well maybe not FULL days but ok times. BUT nothing changes and I have to come back to reality.
I have gotten better at making sure my brother takes my mom more often and sometimes at night so I can get some rest (can't sleep, if I do sleep I always wake up around 1-2am) but sometimes it is like I am asking him to do me a favor. I know he has his challenges with his wife and issues BUT I need help or I won't be good for anyone. She (my mom) can't afford in home care. There is a part time day care (during weekdays)9-2 that offers free of charge games, lunch and social activities through COA close to work, BUT they can't be in Depends. I just don't know what to expect or how long this will go on.
Sorry to go off on this but I really felt I needed to vent.
|