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~Understanding Apathy~
I realized the other day that a significant anniversary had passed and I didn't even realize it until 2 weeks later. It's interesting because this particular event, which took place on April 10, 2010 changed the whole course of my life, and and still is at times, the reason I often fall into periods of apathy regarding my weight and health. It's interesting that this is the first year I forgot the anniversary of this event and yet this past month I've been consumed with researching, learning, and focusing on incorporating approaches to good health into my life.
I remember my therapist back then telling me to do something special each year on that day as a way of commemorating or honoring the life that was lost. I feel a bit guilty I didn't do that this year, but another voice inside says,
"yes, but remember it wasn't just that young mans life that was lost, it was your faith in humanity, too. Perhaps, it's not just a desire be in good health that is inspiring you, but you're learning to like people again, which means you're giving yourself permission to love yourself too."
Survivors guilt is the worst, can I tell ya. And, if you spent 14 years in the humanitarian biz on both a national and international scale, the scope of survivors guilt is about as broad as the horrors one has been exposed too all over the world. Apathy wasn't just a result of what happened, it was absolutely essential in order to get through 2010-14 without swallowing a bottle of pills. And, weight management? That became a total after thought. What and who and the hell was I going to lose weight for??
And, no I don't have children and am not married nor do I have any intention or participating in those endeavors, ever.
When I was first brought home, I did follow my mother's diet in addition to daily exercise, but that wasn't for weight loss. In addition to PTSD, I was diagnosed with clinical exhaustion. The main prescription in tandem with tranquilizers included LOTS of sleep, exercise to get me out of house so I didn't end up a shut-in, and a nutritional diet. It wasn't about weight loss, it was about setting up routines so I might learn how to feel safe again. A very strong community network was established both on the East coast and inevitably the West Coast in order to transition into a "normal" life. The support was wonderful and definitely helped to instill faith in myself again, but I confess I still remained fairly apathetic to humanity, and thus myself.
Until now...
I'm not even sure why I'm starting to genuinely care again. I've learned there is no one thing contingent on another, there are always going to be factors we are aware of and things we aren't. But, waking up is not easy I'm still sensitive, not to mention it means sitting with the sadness, shame, and guilt of having witnessed a homicide under circumstances I was absolutely helpless to do anything about, and then sitting with helplessness itself, until I'm ready to let go and give myself permission to enjoy the rest of my life in a healthy body.
None of it happens overnight, kind of like weight loss, letting go often happens when we least expect it, but I'm definitely making a good start.
The natural world is really healing for me. If we think humans can be brutal, watch two eagles lock talons in a territorial fight, free fall to the ground, and still remain locked in combat, regardless of who or what is watching. Even our back yard song birds can be brutal when breeding season arrives. But nature is also amazing in its diversity, variety, adaptation, and capacity to survive. Even with all my emotional scars, am I not a reflection of that same beauty? Aren't we all? Don't I owe it to this life to see what is still good and possible in this form while I still can, and to connect with others attempting to do the same thing?
There are still things I want to do and places I want to go. And, even though my current interests now reside in being a naturalist, decent Animal Ambassador, and compassionate Buddhist, it will mean opening myself up to work with other human beings again in order to advocate for other species I dearly appreciate and share this planet with. It will mean, to some extent, taking little chances, and allowing myself to have a little faith in humanity and caring enough about myself to extend that love to others.
It means letting go...so I can grow.
In truth, I have an inkling some of these things are already happening, but writing it out helps. At the very least it provides an outline of the direction I want to head in and clarifies some of the reasons I want to live a healthy life...Maybe, I didn't honor April 10 this year, but maybe being aware of these things is just as good a way to honor that day as anything else...
Diet Calendar Entries for 29 April 2017:
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1328 kcal
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Fat: 42.41g | Prot: 40.35g | Carb: 111.79g.
Breakfast: Coffee with Cream and Sugar, Cooked Mushrooms (Fat Added in Cooking), Heinz Tomato Ketchup, Ore-Ida Potatoes O'Brien, Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Scrambled Egg (Whole, Cooked), Mezzetta Super Colossal Spanish Queen Pimiento Stuffed Green Olives. Dinner: The Fresh Market Lentil Soup, Cooked Asparagus (Fat Added in Cooking), Frieda's Swiss Chard. Snacks/Other: Red Table Wine. more...
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2814 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Weight Training (moderate) - 30 minutes, Bicycle - 30 minutes, Resting - 15 hours, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
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