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I've been doing some soul searching as of late. Trying to process where I am, where I want to be, and why I want to be there.
I believe that the underlying problem is just that I have a very low self-esteem. It really hurts me when someone says even the smallest thing that could be perceived as negative, it will cause me to feel awful and stress over something that is so minuscule that most people would be confused.
That is why when I received such positive feedback for my weight loss that I felt over joyed, and when I stopped making such progression that I started to feel worse than before. What will they think if I rebound? They tolerate me because I am progressing, but what will they do when I start to regress?
During my interview for my current position, I could easily see just how poorly the supervisor perceived me. I was relieved when I realized that he was not in charge of the hiring, as I could tell that he would have ended that interview right then and there. That was more than a year ago, and now I am the senior distribution clerk in my office. I am in charge of many things that the previous senior never even touched. That supervisor and I have developed a good rapport, which goes even so far as that I have helped him with his goals for weight loss.
The problem is that I know how he perceived me. It is the same way others perceived me. It prevented me from finding work for years to the point that I put myself into heavy debt to earn an education just to get my foot in the door. Although we get along now, the way I am treated is very much different than how I was treated when I was morbidly obese. This tells me that people DO judge you. They DO think poorly of you. Doors DO open up for those that are more attractive and fit. They also get summarily shut on people like me.
If I can just get to the point that I can stop caring how other people see me, and just focus on myself... maybe I will live long enough to see senility.
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 Comments
It's a vicious environment, and one which we are victims of...even in our own perceptions. It's been said that when you stop caring what others think of you, you find true freedom, yet we're stuck in a paradigm of appearances. Do it for you. If others see benefit, it's a bonus. But it's not why you're doing it.
24 Aug 16 by member: mskestrela
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It is hard at times, but it is not important what others think - only what you think!
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Wow! Say it, sister! You speak a profound truth here! We are fighting for our lives, our livelihoods, our worth in the eyes of others and our sense of self-worth. This dragon could eat you alive, and it does sometimes. But there's an angel standing behind you sending love and strength. We need to open our hearts to that grace, let it in. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but it's the only way to power down the hate. And of course to learn to be and find vigilant ambassadors for loving kindness. Nameste.
25 Aug 16 by member: erikahollister
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Dear Friends...it's all about the food. Frankly when my food and weight are in good order...I could give a shit about what others think on some level...being on this website and not doing well with controlling our good and weight is like being drunk at an AA meeting. It's all about food and weight. Once those are under control we can take a clear eyed look at what ever cognitive issues we ma have. In AA we call those "character defects"..other names for them could be self defeating emotional approaches to life that harm us. But it all starts with being abstinent from over eating. If we are messed up with the food, we will never see our part in it. Whatever "it" is. I have seen in Overeaters Anonymous people stumble in and out of "the rooms" for years with their weight continuing to climb...many of them wanting to blame depression, or others for their problems or failures in life. ITS THE FOOD...If nothing changes ..nothing changes.
Stay at 1200 calories, walk 3 miles a day, work out 3 times a week and most of your problems will improve.
25 Aug 16 by member: DianneGardner
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I agree that we are judged by appearance. That being said, I also think a big part of it is OUR OWN perception being projected out. I know I put a protective layer around myself so I couldn't be hurt. I was so worried about how others perceived me I couldn't just be me. It made me guarded and somewhat standoffish, I was great at self deprecation. Only after I became comfortable in my own skin did I find happiness. AND this was before I lost weight. I guess age has it's advantages. It has taken me a long time to be ok with ME and whether others accept me for me or not is up to THEM. I also realized how judgmental I can be, making a snap judgement about others based on their looks (tattoos, piercings, hair color, etc...) It's probably that age thing again. I remember when my son got a tattoo, I almost fainted and when my daughter got one I bout went over the edge, lol.
25 Aug 16 by member: Rckc
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@DG.........I respect your point of view, but I disagree. There is no simple fix to complex problems. If there was there wouldn't be any FS or AA. I am sure there have been people showing up to AA meetings buzzed just as there have been people who post here after a splurge. The underlying issue or issues have to be addressed first; the reason or reasons why someone is turning to food instead of dealing with feelings, emotions, low self-esteem, etc..........why someone is hiding behind weight. Again, these situations are complex and we shouldn't beat folks up because they are having a difficult time trying to find their way. It's great that you've found your way, but it isn't so easy for some folks. @D1srupta........People can judge you on just about every aspect of your being, e.g. your hair, your make-up, clothes, your size, your skin color, your lifestyle, your socioeconomic status.......list is endless. My point is even if you are thin someone somewhere will find something to judge you about. Being thin doesn't=NO judgement. If you are continuing to struggle with this then it may be best consulting a therapist.
25 Aug 16 by member: Engeland
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I can identify with your reactions to positive feedback and worries about how setbacks will be received. I have been on the edge of setting my journal to private or "taking a break" from the site due to my last month of UpandDownandGoingNowhere. Even this feeling of discomfort is a clue to my overall functioning. I decided to just keep on going with it because when I had my settings private, I never got feedback and just up and quit when it got hard. I see you have some really good insight going, here. "I feel crappy and it has nothing to do with my weight" is good insight. "I was valuable and accomplished when I was morbidly obese" is good insight. Based on your feedback, I always took you as someone who has it all together. Your vulnerability shows all of us how fragile we all are, even when we are victorious in another area. It's OK to feel not okay. I trust you to navigate your problems with grace and love. You will find the resources you need to prevail. 😺
25 Aug 16 by member: LadyinDenim
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