|
Sorry, not the most uplifting journals.. Been struggling a lot, and feeling very alone...not sure how much of this, is the result of my "diet"-- my bipolarism, or just depression.. you know... I wish that I was on more often, so that you can see the other side of me.. and not seeing all of this crap that I am battling with...
Been having nightmares in the last month or so, just constant every night.. the nightmares have been I was being chased, or major arguements with people (not necessarily loved ones <wife>), or just constant conflicts....
When I wrote appreciate prayers last night, I was at my son's work <he works at a BP station with free WIFI> I had been emailing my wife and nightmares came up.. and wow, the floodgates opened up-- IT had nothing to do with her... our relationship is doing well, except for in the department of weight loss.. more on that later.
The word, weary comes to my mind, that is where I am at.. just tired... and feeling like instead of waking up and feeling "What a great day" I wake up and feel "Oh crap another day!" Sad isn't it?
I guess I am having a "crisis of my faith"- best way to describe it. Over the last several years I have had surgeries after surgeries after surgeries ( 8 or 9 out of 10 years) and one is coming up next year (knee replacement). Of course I have no short term insurance so everytime I have surgery it is three months without my income. And then the bills on top of that, from my hospital stays, to not having my income.
My credit rating is in the toliet, partly due to this.. and partly not making enough to pay all of my bills (yes it is hard to find a job when you are 56, no degree, and the only thing that you have experience in is management in customer service).
In the last six months, we have the internet dropped, my pc died, my two laptops (both were gifts) basically died, I am driving a van that is bout to die (no way of replacing it)..my hours at worked dropped, due to the season (funny- the golden "boys and girls" <my manager's favorites>- their hours have stayed or increased, while my dropped (every year she does this to me)>... and I am tired...
What is also coming to a head is that everywhere I work.. no matter how hard I work no matter how hard I have been dedicated to the job-- I get stabbed, or I am an outsider-- not really part of the team (including my present job, not being a part of the team)...
As example. My last job, I was a store manager for a "national discount store" type of a store. Here in town we have three of them. I had a bigger store at the time. I hardly saw the district manager.. but yet she kept seeing another manager in town bout every other week. This other manager was basically tried to get me fired, since he was jealous that I had the bigger store, and more money. The third time she visited me, in a year, she told me that I had one of two options---either being fired or transfered to the store that he was at, and he would be transfered over to my store. I had no other choice than to be transfered.
Well within a year, he was fired- and she came to apologize to me, but the damage was done--my reputation was in the toliet due to falsehoods..
I am just a 56 year old man, not even a manager but a supervisor, of a local resturant chain... that is still operating with 1980's equipment.
My wife tries to encourage me by saying "Look to God, trust Him" and I feel like saying.. He knows where I am at, He knows the crap that I am feeling, if He loves me, then where is He? Where is the peace? But I guess it is my fault that He is so far away... At my church- They are caring, to a point-- if you are in financial need- they are there for you, or if they need something- the elders will come and ask if you can help-- which is no big deal.. but I am having a crisis of faith.. One of the elders (deacons) asked me how I was doing.. I looked at him and said.. Do you really want to know or do you want a lie? he said.. he wanted to know.. well I said "I am struggling..." He stopped me and said "well everyone struggles".. my first thought was.. "Don't lie to me-- if you did not want to really know.. then say a lie.." I just turned around and walked away...
The only bright spot that I have is what I am doing on my diet-- hate that word.. and yet, even my wife made a Snide remark bout how I am doing it. Yesterday was one of my son's birthday.. we went out for breakfast, and while looking at the menu, I was trying to decide what to eat, she made the remark.. I bet you are getting a salad.. then laughed. Yeah that Hurt.. I did brought that up last night.. she said.. it was out of jealousy that she said it.. that I have been losing so much.. but still in the spot that I am in, it hurt. I wanted to say.. what the ----- I give up on this whole thing, and toss in the towel.. I will fail at this like everything else! But I did not say it.. just felt it, no I am not throwing the towel...
Yeah, I open up here- maybe too much-- but I feel like I Have no other place to go, or talk too... sad isn't it?
Diet Calendar Entry for 13 November 2014:
|
1801 kcal
|
Fat: 40.44g | Prot: 91.48g | Carb: 284.12g.
Breakfast: Lay's Oven Baked Original (Package), Subway 6" Black Forest Ham. Lunch: Fiber One Chewy Bars - Oats & Chocolate, Ruffles Oven Baked Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips, Grilled Chicken (Skin Not Eaten). Dinner: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies - Chocolate Fudge, Baked Beans, McDonald's Premium Grilled Chicken Classic Sandwich (No Mayo). more...
|
|
 Comments
I'm going to give my thoughts and hopefully I'm not doing more harm than good. I have NO expertise in this area but I do have "life experiences" that give me an opinion.
I know when you're down, it seems like EVERYONE is trying to get a kick in, but in reality, your wife might not have meant anything bad by her comments. I guess only you two would know the answer to that question. Hopefully, she'll be your biggest fan. As far as everything else going on, just pick one thing at a time and work to improve it. Then move on to the next. Looking at the whole picture might just be too much to deal with.
If your church family is offering to help, by all means.........let them. They might be an elder (deacon), but they're still people. Maybe they didn't say the right things to you, but hopefully they'd like to have a dialog with you. Tell them when the answer isn't helping. Maybe they can help, maybe not...it's worth a try, isn't it?
I'm guessing with your money issues, professional help is out of the question? If so, keep this in mind. Unprofessional people (like me) are just giving opinions. It's up to you to decide if any of them are feasible for you. Good luck. I truly hope you're able to find some stability and peace in your life.
13 Nov 14 by member: LittleRedFlatBack
|
Deep breath. I have to agree with LittleRedFlatBack. When looking at a picture as a whole...it sucks and overwhelms. Take a step back and just take life one piece at a time. If you continue to overwhelm yourself then it does more harm then good. I don't think it is a bad thing that you open up here as well because I honestly do the same thing. It's great having such open and supportive group of people here who, while they can't do it physically, can spiritually pick you up and help you along the way when needed. A lot understand where you are coming from...some either being in that boat as well or having pushed through it but still remembers. But we all support each other no matter what. We are all here right alongside you and will continue to be. :)
13 Nov 14 by member: Arrevanthas
|
You hand in there. I see you've lost almost 100 pounds just since April. That is fantastic. This is the place to come and spill it when ever you need to. All of us here are trying to accomplish the same goals, so this IS a good place. Keep up the great work because YOU are worth it. Have a wonderful day... :)
13 Nov 14 by member: LauPug1
|
Hoosier, I am really sorry that things are bearing down on you like this. With all that has been pulling you down, you have done such a great job with your new way of eating (I won't call it a diet). You should be proud of what you have accomplished there. I'm a few years older than you, and I have seen much the same thing about what you've mentioned career wise. Some people think of climbing the corporate ladder; I have experienced the opposite - steady steps downward. My thinking is take the help wherever you can get it. Maybe the elder was having a bad day when he talked with you, or maybe he really is someone who really doesn't want to hear the truth. At any rate, there are people who will help.
13 Nov 14 by member: jwill77nc2
|
Hate to say it, but your wife is correct. God is trying to teach you to learn to be satisfied with what you have. Until you can prove to him that you are appreciative of what he has put before you, he can't elevate you. To you it may be about the title of a job, but to God, it is what he needs you at that store to do. It may be someone in that store or someone who comes to that store that needs your conversation. Sometimes when we think we are the only one suffering inside, the person you spoke to or people you encounter within your 8-10 hours, is someone you are "uplifting." God see's your true abilities and being a store manager is not something God wants for you, it is something bigger he has in store for you. Everything wrong that is happening to you is not your fight. Stand still, and watch the salvation of the Lord. You said he was fired, but know that God will restore your goodwill in the eyes of others. Just trust God, and watch him work it out for you. Go to work everyday, and work like you are working unto the Lord. The Devil will keep you in doubt, when those thoughts start to come that goes against the Word, count out loud 10, 9, 8.... until you banish those nasty thoughts. Remember, GOD, is crazy about his children and he is in love with you.
13 Nov 14 by member: C67241
|
I must say right now you better not be ashamed you posted that here. There's a lot of caring people here that have been through or are going through the same things as you. You are courageous for getting this off your chest, even if it is on an online journal. There has to be an exit for dark feelings such as these, or they just build up inside you. You might wonder how a complete stranger that is half your age could possibly begin to understand the situations you are in, and honestly, some of them I cannot. But the darkness and worthlessness that you are feeling, coupled with religious struggles, I can understand. Your journal entry hit home so hard I have a lump in my throat just from reading it. Once again, I must state, that you did well by posting here. And I want to honestly say I am amazed by your strength to want to keep going. You say that you are tired, yet you are finding some inner ambition to continue, and you should. Not many people understand the emotional stress of (or trying to) lose weight. It's not just a physical battle, but it is very, very emotional. But a lot of us here do.... I feel like I just wrote a novel. If you want to talk, don't be afraid to send me a pm. Helping people also helps me help myself. Or at least please keep us updated through journal entries.
13 Nov 14 by member: sadie_eats
|
Hoosier, it is so hard to do a life change such as changing your diet as it is, but with everything else going on in your life, I would be depressed too. You have made good strides with the diet, you need to be commended! Try not to be too hard on yourself. Keep up the good work!
15 Nov 14 by member: marlenenunamann
|
| |
|
|
| |
Submit a Comment
You must sign in to submit a comment
|
|
|
Other Related Links
Members
|
hoosier436's weight history
|