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Geez.. I wish that I can record a journal stating.. WOW I FEEL GREAT__ WOW EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL... etc etc.. But I can't..This is the only place that I can feel that I can open up and just talk of what is going on in my sick little brain, without my wife seeing it or knowing anything about it. I will explain more bout this later So you might want to pass this.. one of these days I am going to write a journal.. that is more uplifting..
giving you the chance to skip...
No I am not giving up on my journey of "healthier life style"- even though I know some would see what I am eating and asking "But how?" And "it is not healther!"
As you know I have been struggling with Depression (just wondering how the
"stress" of my weight loss has added to this depression)..
I keep waking up in the morning asking "Why God have you allowed me to live another miserable day!" No, suicide is not an option, but by the way I feel that I am too much of a coward to do that anyway and if I tried I would "mess it up"- and would be a lot worse than what I am doing right now..
Is my life miserable-- not really-- I have a home, I am-- well there are issues with my health (I Know that I have another knee surgery coming up- my right knee is bout gone)- there is food on the table, and I am employed (even though right now it is 25 hours a week)...I ask myself why am I feeling like this.. not sure, but I am..
The biggest part of my depression is coming from financial aspect. We are struggling.. and well, we have been struggling for years.. and the old thoughts of Roger if you were really a good husband you would be able to provide more.. you would be doing better in the area of finances.. if a tire blows out.. you should be able to buy a new one without using a credit card.. if you were "worthy" enough.. I would not be sitting here at the library on this computer.. you would not be driving a car that everytime you go to drive it you do not say a prayer "Please don't break down." You would not have hospital debts that you can not pay for-- or your college loans would be paid off.. If you provided better, you would not have had a foreclosed home and forced to move.. if you provided better you could go on a vacation away from this small northern Indiana town.. but you can.. you are such a born loser!! As the line in "It's a wonderful life" has in it.."You are worth more dead than a live!" That is how I am feeling..
-- Well at church yesterday, we had a time of sharing.. several people got up and shared that they are thankful for.. several times.. there were people that Got up and shared that they had need (going on short term mission trips and they need money)... there was a lady that got up and shared how God provided for her.. all of this time, I kept praying and hoping.. Lord, I am keeping my mouth shut-- and please do not have anyone "call me up"-- All of this sharing was voluntarily ---
Well near the end of the worship service, the worship leader said "The Lord laid it on my heart to ask this 'Roger, is there anything on your heart, you do not need to come up if you do not want to'" I thought "OH CRAP!"
I should have stayed in my seat.. but for some reason I got up.. no, I really did not want too.. got up in front of the church-- and started to talk.. I thought Lord keep my mouth shut.. but I just kept talking (basically what I said above, and that I am worn out, and I am in the valley of the depression, but I felt like I was pulling out if it...)
After talking the pastor came up and several people came up and prayed for me.. my wife was not one of them..
I love my wife with all of my heart.. and that she does have a caring heart.. but she really does not know how to help me in my depression. and well, no offense to any one from NJ.. but she is from New Jersey-- and her family has the mind set of "keep your troubles to yourself you cry baby!" After the service, we had the biggest argument that we ever had since we got remarried... basically she was upset that I was showing my "dirty laundry" in front of the church...
She said..; I kept telling you to go seek help.. why don't you.. I responded.. HOW IN THE WORLD AM I SUPPOSE TO SEEK HELP, EVEN WITH THE INSURANCE THAT YOU ARE PROVIDING FOR US (Another slap in my mental face) WHEN WE HAVE NO MONEY FOR IT?"
To be honest with you, I was really driving wrecklessly..I was getting very upset at her... and she said "why are you angry with me? I am not the one that shared today!" I looked at her and said.. You can be a great friend, a very supportive friend to everyone.. but me.. why?
The arguement went on and on.... I was heading home.. and asked where I was going.. I threw the money that I had at her and said.. "you take the kids out, I need to be alone"...
Well, she convinced me not to go home.. and to go out to Subway with them - everyone got the 6 dollar meal...I kept very silent while we were eating...
later she apologized to me.. but leaving me very hurt still and well, I am more convience now than ever.. not to say a word to anyone in our circles bout my struggles... (thus.. you got the down load of the crap)...
Still feeling very hurt, still feeling very alone... my wife works thirds-- she is sleeping while I am awake...
Sorry folks..
Another little tid bit.. I have had 5 to 6 major surgeries in the last seven years. that kept me out of work for three months--- I am expecting a knee replacement in Jan 2016.. I can not do it this year due to the fact that my boss is having a double knee replacement this Jan... (oh no pay during those months.. my place of employement does not provide short term disability that are not an manager or assistant manager)
Again folks sorry for the ranking.. jst feeling like crap...
Right now the only thing that I feel that I can be proud of in my life is my weight loss.. and I can not even mention that on my facebook.. or mention it around my wife.. cause well she is jealous that I am doing so well.. sigh...
Diet Calendar Entry for 01 December 2014:
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1972 kcal
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Fat: 61.41g | Prot: 77.92g | Carb: 314.35g.
Breakfast: Ruffles Oven Baked Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips, Lean Cuisine Traditional Pepperoni Pizza, Fiber One 90 Calorie Cinnamon Coffee Cake. Lunch: Oscar Mayer 95% Fat Free Oven Roasted White Turkey, Great Value Diced Pears in Light Syrup, Lay's Oven Baked Original (Package), Aunt Millie's 35 Calorie Whole Grain Bread. Dinner: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies - Chocolate Fudge, Great Value Light Nonfat Yogurt - Strawberry Banana, Rold Gold Classic Style Tiny Twists Pretzels, Chili. more...
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 Comments
Holy moly! Your comment about this being the one place I can vent without my spouse seeing my thoughts... spot on! Good, bad, or even ugly thoughts are hard to admit to my spouse most times. I'm so afraid of his judgement! It would hurt his feelings to know that I don't want to tell him my weaknesses - but it's true. Maybe that's why we're here? Because God is providing another outlet for you to share your thoughts and not get too pent up? Who knows? All I know is that I'm glad that you're sharing your thoughts (good and bad). I hope and pray that each day finds resolution for you. Sending my LOVE!
01 Dec 14 by member: jenalena
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Sometimes depression isn't linked to financial, emotional or even physical problems. Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Talk to your doctor about this, and while it sounds trite: don't worry (doesn't do any good), be happy.
01 Dec 14 by member: Suzy May Blackfly
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I know that most of my depression is genetics.. both sets of grandparents had it, my parents had it, my siblings battle it, and it is in my kids...
My family doctor is a great doctor.. but none of the medications that we tried worked.. first time since I have been seeing him (I was his 10th patient-and five of them were his employees and he has been in pratice for over 25 years).. he has "given" up on trying to find something... Suggesting that I needed more specialized help.. well finanices comes into play once again...
01 Dec 14 by member: hoosier436
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I know what you mean about coming to FS to share. I can talk to my husband, but a lot of times I feel like my husband doesn't really get what I am going through. And being able to share on FS helps. I'm glad that you are here and I am glad that you shared. Keeping everything bottled up doesn't help. My husband also suffers from depression and it's an everyday situation, luckily our family doctor isn't one of those who doesn't believe in medication, and we have encountered them before. He says if a person is sick, whether it be a sore throat, or a chemical imbalance, it's his job to provide medication. My sister suffered from depression as well, and went through many many different medications before finding the right one. And, I used worry about finances all the time. Please Lord, don't the car break down. My step daughter has tried to kill herself twice and we have HUGE medical bills, where she went to two different treatment centers. One day my mom told me that my grandmother said her: Why worry? If there is a solution to the problem, then there is no reason to worry and if there is no solution, then worrying it won't change anything. And when my mom told me that it was like a huge weight had been lifted. Now when I start stressing out, I remember her words.
01 Dec 14 by member: lettygaylor
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Just keep on your healthier eating and the pounds will slowly go down. Depression is a difficult place to be. You really need to take the time to talk to your doctor about it. You can also contact your local NAMI chapter, I have a adult child who suffers from anxiety and depression and is also bipolar. They have little to no money and no insurance. The local NAMI chapter put her in contact with a clinic where she goes for consoling and to see a psychiatrist. They have also provided her with medication. The clinic works on a sliding scale basis so you pay what you can afford. It is really helping and maybe it could help you too. It is all confidential. When your feeling better maybe you can also work some additional shifts somewhere to get a few extra $. Meanwhile don't worry about it, just do what you can do. Google NAMI and see if your local chapter can point you to a direction where you can get help, or talk to your doctor. You can feel better. Good luck and may God bless you. just now
01 Dec 14 by member: Lindar51
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Hi hoosier436,
Let me start off by saying that I am so sorry for what you've been going through, and that I'm happy you have a place to vent.
I wish I could offer you some miracle words of advice that would turn your life around in a split second, but I cannot. However, I am VERY happy that you have faith in God, I know sometimes it seems He's not there, but trust me, He is.
Have you ever looked for a Christian forum? Where you can vent to other Christians, Chaplains, etc? I was having a hard time a few weeks ago and I Googled Christian forums and it should be the first site that comes up under the Google results. Make an account there if you'd like and ask for prayers from the people there too. I think they even have Chaplains that you can private message to get advice.
You are in my prayers, and I know it seems hard now, but it WILL get better, you just have to believe that.
01 Dec 14 by member: southerngirl92
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Thank you for sharing. You have a lot of things going on so I am glad that this is a safe place where you can vent. Depression can permeate moods and thoughts... sometimes we have to stop thoughts dead in their track, and tell them to go somewhere else. Silly as it sound it can make you feel better.
I can relate about financial difficulties--it's tough out there! At times, those closest to us seem not to be as supportive as we would like them to be. Are there any things that you find joy in that don't cost money? Sometimes, just taking a walk, reading a book, or exercising can take us away from our troubles for a little while (and a little while CAN help). Relaxation techniques (i.e., breathing techniques, visualization, etc.) can also help.
In spite of all the ups and downs you continue to lose weight. Good Job! I'll keep you in my prayers, as the Spirit leads.
Woo..I didn't mean to get so deep :D. Keep focused. God Bless you.
01 Dec 14 by member: idrs659
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I too suffered with depression. No one knows how painful it is until they experience it themselves. Sitting on the couch is painful. But know this, everything passes and this too will pass. Every night before bed, write a note about what you're grateful for. I mean really grateful that you can taste it. It could be as simple as a cozy pillow, a cup of tea, clean running water. Stay clear of this material world which only values $$$ and "things"
01 Dec 14 by member: riceisnice
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The only thing that comes to mind for me after reading your post (and I too have suffered with depression and some of the same life experiences) is that the Lord said that the widow who gave much of the little she had gave more than all the rich "healthy", (and there really are none) people around her. That's what I see in what you are doing at this time. That in itself is worth staying the course for.
01 Dec 14 by member: Bopuc
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Surround yourself with positive people who will support you. Remove yourself from negative people and negative surroundings. Fine one little thing in a day that makes you smile. It might be going for a walk, reading a book or just writing your journal. Each day find something to be grateful for. Make sure you get plenty of fresh air - it releases the 'feel-good' endorphins. And - most importantly - remember to take care of your most important asset - YOU!!
01 Dec 14 by member: Fat Gone Fast
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Hang in there, you everyday when I wake up I am just happy I am still breating and I get another day. For those of us that have hit Rock bottom I can tell you it is a long climb back to the top but it can be done :)
01 Dec 14 by member: Rockiesfan
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I am sorry you are suffering so. Depression takes the joy and color out of everything. Your FS friends have been great at providing support and helpful suggestions. One of the best has been to contact NAMI. They can be a great place to get low-no cost referrals for your area. namiindiana.org There may be more organizations and even some who may do tele-counseling over the phone. I know you said suicide is not an option and I am thankful for that. Every state has a suicide prevention hotline and they may also have referrals for low-no cost counseling. It really helps to talk to a professional counselor who can understand and explore more effective ways of dealing with the many stresses you are living with. While it may not feel like it, you were courageous enough to speak your truth to other people in an effort to get the help you need. Very often family members don't know how to help and have their own stresses. Please use every resource available to you. Depression doesn't have to last forever and you can enjoy life again despite all you are dealing with. J
01 Dec 14 by member: JovialJ
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Depression is a horrible disease and makes it almost impossible to see the good side of everything. Have you ever sat down and mentally make lists of what is wrong in your life...and what is good? Are birds singing outside your window?...um, good side. Is your roof leaking? no? good side. and on and on. Soon you can see them without trying hard to find them. And don't apologize for "ranting" to us. Isn't that part of why we are doing this? "Rant" on.
01 Dec 14 by member: Linda Marmon
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I know you'll get a lot of song and dance better days are ahead bs from ppl, but I agree with you. I suffer with depression and PTSD all the time. I hate it. My life is not "miserable", I have a house, and by some standards a nice life, money in the bank a wonderful family... no reason to be depressed. I can't talk to anyone about it. I just have to force myself not to eat when I feel really down. I guess I am just lucky when I am depressed and not enraged. If only I lived in a state where medical marijuana was legal. I've been to therapists, taken meds... nothing works. Wine is only 120cal
per glass. So you're not alone, and thankfully neither am I. Thanks for being honest.
01 Dec 14 by member: TresaLou
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I live in Colorado and feel blessed that people were wise and open minded enough to vote in medical marijuana TresaLou. I don't need it myself but know a few folks who benefit greatly from it.
Something I can suggest that may help - I eat ketogenic (very low carb, high healthy fats and moderate protein) and wow, has it ever made a difference with my depression and anxiety! Not only that but inflammation in my body - arthritis no longer hurts and I can now put off that knee replacement for awhile because I don't ache any more. Seriously Hoosier - give it some thought - I know several ppl in my keto support group who suffer from bipolar, depression and other types of issues who swear by this way of life. Ketogenic eating is the most effective way to keep your blood sugar under control, keep your hunger in check, minimize inflammation in your body and clear your mind - I guarantee it. It took me about 5 weeks or so to really feel it but holy cow, what a difference it's made in my life, all around! AND if you like to eat meat (let's face it, most guys do!) you may find this way of eating is more satisfying for you anyhow -
Wishing you some peace - don't give up! You obviously have tons of self-discipline to lose the weight you have so quickly, so give yourself a break and quit calling yourself a loser dude! You deserve respect and happiness just like everyone else -
01 Dec 14 by member: Pppppam
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luckily there are many here to vent to - who understand. i am in touch with that emptiness - the lack of worth/value - and i could say many positive things that would feel like smoke up your arse ... so i won't. i am sure you know them anyway. i want to spin it around, offer some focus ... like losing weight, getting healthy ... but that might feel empty too. so - as long as you keep sharing here, it will hopefully feel good to release some of the burden you are carrying. hang tough. thoughts are with you. keep journaling. no judgments here on the site. everyone faces their demons daily.
01 Dec 14 by member: br_e_co
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awesome comments Br e co. Someone told me that making a gratitude list would help and it did not matter what I put on it... even the smallest thing. So.... just to get the ball rolling .. I am thankful for the trash. the turkey carcass my sister in law was going to throw away made a fabulous soup - I added pearl onions (frozen), broccoli (frozen), and sliced carrots (frozen). Could not have been any easier or more delicious. I have no idea how many calories or how much sodium. and frankly tonight I don't give a &*(%! it can't be much. I have been smelling this all day and have not eaten, so I was super hungry. Y'all keep on rockin!
01 Dec 14 by member: TresaLou
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We are on the same page. Trying not to snap, me too. Thanks for your post. I am grateful for your honestly. Hugs
02 Dec 14 by member: wakamiya
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