Annisworkingonit's Journal

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23 June 2024

Good morning FS friends

Yesterday was a good day. Got a decent nights sleep thanks to a prescription from my GP. Woke up at the crack of dawn to see the Mighty Niagara River covered in a mist. She was beautiful. Round about 7AM scads of cyclists started passing by. Turns out it was the cross border endurance route for the Roswell Park Ride for Cancer (oh the irony).

Given how hot and sunny the day became, the river was active with jet skiers, boats, fishermen and even the odd cigar boat. Needless to say, once the bike ride was over the Parkway was fully opened and the usual summer happenings began. Lots of motorcycle clubs going by 20-30 riders at a time. (some sorrow with this one as John realised a lifelong dream last year, got his motorcycle license and had started to ride his Harley Road King albeit cautiously). The classic cars, some real beauties. Just watching the usual goings on would have brought pleasure to John. We used to call it Parkway TV.

By mid afternoon, things seemed too quiet in the house. Where normally I'd go outside and garden, it was simply too hot to do this safely. The dogs are confused and a wee bit lost as dad (their treat dispenser) isn't here and mom is a bit "off". I decided that I'd package some of John's ashes before his family removes them and went on a memorial journey of my own. First went to Timmies in Fort Erie, got a medium Iced Capp (John's favourite during the summer) and 300 empty but needed calories for me. Then proceeded to stop at each place we had fished, swam or launched our boat and leave a bit of him at each one until I got home. Today I will continue on with the mission from my house to the other spots along the way, all the way to Port Dalhousie. In the weeks to come, I'll go to Port Colbourne at the mouth of the canal and do the same. It feels right as this was our couple thing and something his sons never participated in. Is it closure? No. But it helps and he would appreciate it in absentia. Other memorials planned by his family, employer and the Masons are appropriate and deserved but less meaningful to me regarding our life and time together.

By evening, the lawn needed mowing, so I did. Finally ate a leftover burger from when the boys were here last week. Didn't finish it, but it's a start.

One week down. Several personal grieving milestones met. Many more to go, but one day/week/year at a time. There is no timeline but having walked this awful path before, there will be light at the end of the tunnel and someday joy may reenter the equation.

Over and out

(4 comments)

22 June 2024

Good morning FS Friends

Yesterday was John's 64th birthday. It was also the day we picked up his ashes so for the time being he is back here by the river.

The past days have been a flurry of activity. His sons had come to help clear his things. Heartbreaking to watch his truck be driven off. I will miss that roar of its' coming and going. I guess it's not the truck so much as how it came to be so closely identified with the man who I was forever going on field trips with whether to go watch boats come into the Welland Canal in Port Colborne, shopping, picking up building materials or just going through a Timmies drive through.

I remain lost. Sleep (or lack thereof) was an issue until last night as I had contacted my GP asking for help. Melatonin did nothing. When I went to pick up the script my pharmacist knew something was up. The beauty of small town living is that the people that provide services actually know you and are aware that certain medications are totally out of the norm. I broke down.

Food is a real issue at the moment. Up until John's passing my appetite was healthy. Ozempic helped me tame the junk beast and incessant food noise but never took away my palate or appetite. Seemingly John's passing has done that. I didn't take my injection this week and won't until my system normalises. I am so very close to nearing goal and John was so very proud of how far I've come. He would not want me to stop with the program and revert to old ways. And so when I'm ready, I'll be back on track.

Over and out

(7 comments)

17 June 2024

Fake weight courtesy of shock and grief/fight or flight bodily evacuations. John was so proud of what I have achieved so far. Hitting the normal weight milestone was going to be a big deal for me. At the moment food is revolting so am trying to stay hydrated and have some protein drinks. I keep getting the chills and shaking like a leaf. Although having walked this path more than once before , I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel eventually.

Weigh-in: 156.0 lb

lost so far: 108.0 lb

still to go: 16.0 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

(8 comments) losing 4.4 lb a week

16 June 2024

Dear FS Friends,

I am in a tailspin. John started chemo and radiation last week. We were there Monday to Friday. Outlook was good. He tolerated treatment well. Was in good spirits.

As is our custom, we were having our Saturday morning coffee on the front patio when he coughed up some blood. Since he was cytotoxic, this needed to be cleaned up pronto so our little dogs didn't get into it. So I did.

He moved from the gated patio to the driveway where things went downhill fast. He started coughing up bright red blood in streams which also started pouring from his nose as well. Called 911. Seemed like an eternity til they got here and since John was cytotoxic they had to gown up first. While they were gowning up he died in my arms. They attempted to revive him but couldn't get a shockable rhythm. For 40 minutes they tried to no avail. Since he died at home, my driveway became a crime scene until the coroner arrived 4 hours later to clear the scene. My darling John lay there on the driveway, blood covered, pools of blood everywhere, baking in the sun with flies buzzing around. I wanted to set up an umbrella so as to at least shade him, but was not allowed to do so. In speaking with the coroner, there was nothing that could have been done to save him whether in the hospital or my driveway. He had gone for a CT scan 12 hours earlier and it showed that the lung lesion was tunnelling into his blood vessels. One cough started this all.

And so my best friend, former fiancee is gone. Despite the issues we've had through the years, one thing was certain - he was my person and I his. How to move forward from this is a mystery. My heart is well and truly broken.

I can't bear to open the fridge as we had prepped food for his sons visit which was to be yesterday. I look at it, close the fridge and cry.

A long journey of healing ahead and much to take care of as despite my constant reminders to do so, he died intestate. His stuff populates my house (3 years spent here during covid + broken ankle + heart attack will do that) Can't bear to look at any of it or even deal with things at this stage. Cupboards are full of chemo snacks. Freezer full of ice cream. Fridge full of yogourt, crab and smoked salmon. We had totally stocked up for this chemo journey. Not that having his boys remove his belongings and food items in the next few days will make one iota of difference I know, but things are so raw right now that just looking at the things I was craving 48 hours ago, now make me nauseous.

To those of you out there with loved ones, make sure that they know well and truly how you feel about them. Today might be their, or your last one together.

Deep in grief. Rest in Peace my dearest John.

Over and Out

(20 comments)

10 June 2024

Weigh-in: 160.4 lb

lost so far: 103.6 lb

still to go: 20.4 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

add comment losing 0.8 lb a week

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