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Off the rails and out of control. I'm going backward and can't seem to stop it. Didn't exercise much last week. Gained 3 lbs on my weigh in on Saturday. That made me depressed. Wanted to go out on Saturday with DH. Wanted to go somewhere and eat something really good. Ended up at an 80's retro burger place. Had a burger with no bun. It was just a burger. No big deal. Nothing special. Had a few fries and two onion rings. I can feel myself getting fatter by the minute! Why can't I do more than 1 thing at a time. I either have to concentrate on doing things at home or concentrate on my eating and drinking and exercising. Can't accomplish more than one thing at a time. It drives me crazy!!
I was feeling good. I guess that's the big problem. It seems like I have to have the perfect situation to do anything these days. I have to worry about exercising in the living room because of wearing out the carpet in front of the TV. Don't want to ruin it. Want to have my exercise room back. But it is filled with junk. Mostly empty boxes. How stupid is that?? Can't go outside to walk because of anxiety. So walk with the Wii. Then back to the carpet wearing out.
Then I do something for me. Start to feel a little better. Then I think I need to start doing stuff around the house. Well, I feel better so....I better start doing what is supposed to be done. Then I lose focus on the real big thing. Getting better. Getting thinner. Feeling better. Losing weight. Getting back on track and following a healthy way of eating for me. Getting back with the surgery way of eating so I feel strong and alive. No not me. I have to get sidetracked after just 3 weeks. 3 Weeks!!!
I have this great dream. Clothes in the closet. Clothes in the dresser. Clothes I want to wear on special occasions. Clothes I want to wear to the movies or out to the store. When I actually leave my house. Not wearing clothes that are way too big and bulky. Clothes that fit me. My size 10 jeans. My size 8 jeans. My size 6 jeans!!?? Well, let's say the size 10. They felt good for the time that I could wear them. My size 12 dresses I want to fit into by June 6. Doesn't appear that I'll get anywhere near that.
Suddenly, I'm hungry all the time. Suddenly, I can't focus again. Can't get my butt off the couch. Not able to sleep. I wake up at 2:30 every morning. I get back in bed and try to sleep about 8 or 9. Sometimes it works. But I can't figure out a schedule that will give me what I want. Can't put it in my head. It swirls around and around. Makes me sick.
Why can't I focus on the fact that I lost 22.75 inches overall in the areas that I measure. Why focus on the 3 lbs. Why did I gain??? I ate a few dumplings!!! Really!! How am I ever going to be able to eat anything if I gain 3 lbs over a few dumplings???
I thought I was going to succeed. Maybe I will eventually. I need help. DH just says do my best. He works all the time right now. 12 to 14 hrs a day, 7 days a week. He can't help. He's too tired. Doing the 30 day fitness challenge takes me about 25 or 30 minutes. How hard can that be to do?? Yet, somehow it feels like hours and hours of work to me.
I'll figure it out. But when?? When I've lost all my progress?? I expect way too much of me. I want to lose a total of 35 lbs by April 14. A total of 50 lbs by June 6. I started this 4 weeks ago. I should be well on my way but I'm not. I've only lost 9.6 lbs. So much for the 3 lbs a week for the first month or 5 weeks. I think I should be able to lose that. I have a stomach the size of a golf ball. Come on!! This should be easy. Well, not easy but easier than what it is. I know certain things make me feel bad. So why eat them. I know certain things make my stomach hurt, head hurt, heart race. All those things. I'm just not nice to myself. I guess.
I want to burn 500 calories on the Wii exercises. I want to do the 30 fitness challenge that I've set up. I would love to be able to have a light weight lifting program 3 days a week. Maybe do belly dancing video on off days. Or do the step video that I like. I think I'll just go back to bed and try to get some sleep. I woke up at 2:30 and was able to sleep on the couch until 4. Maybe I can sleep now. Will try.
Sorry about the madness. Thanks for listening. :)
Diet Calendar Entries for 04 March 2014:
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500 kcal
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Fat: 19.50g | Prot: 30.50g | Carb: 49.75g.
Breakfast: Betty Crocker Banana Bread, V8 Original 100% Vegetable Juice. Dinner: Olive Garden Italian Salad Dressing, Chicken of the Sea Solid White Albacore Tuna in Water, Fresh Express Salad 50/50 Mix. Snacks/Other: Daily Chef Fat Free Skim Milk, Jell-O Sugar Free Fat Free Instant Chocolate Fudge Pudding Mix, Daily Chef Fat Free Skim Milk, Jell-O Sugar Free Fat Free Instant Chocolate Fudge Pudding Mix. more...
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2535 kcal
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Activities & Exercise:
Sitting - 13 hours, Sleeping - 11 hours. more...
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