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03 September 2008

Weigh-in: 270.0 lb lost so far: 8.0 lb still to go: 120.0 lb Diet followed reasonably well
   add comment steady weight

02 September 2008

Things are a little better today - just a little. Last night I was able to unload the dishwasher, soak the dirty dishes in some disenfectant, load them into the dishwasher and then turn on the dishwasher. That hasn't been done in quite some time I'm afraid.

However, I only ate popcorn and peanut butter for supper. My tummy was not happy.

I get frustrated that I can work on my housecleaning a bit and feel better about myself, but then stay up too late in the evening (morning) and have a hard time getting out of bed, and hence be late for work (a job I just started).

I did manage to pack a breakfast, but woke up too late to pack a lunch or snacks (problem #1). Of course I got afraid that I wouldn't get enough to eat when I went out so I bought several things at the restaurant and ate them all. Of course, because I 'know' that I am going to clean up my food again, I have to eat things that I won't be able to have for a long time - white flour, sugar, high fat.

Is there such a thing as a complete remission from sugar, fat, white flour obsession?

To try not to sink too far into a funk, I thought about some goals for this month and posted them on this website. I hope they bring some clarity when things get rough.

Hope everyone had a great day.

02 September 2008

Weigh-in: 270.0 lb lost so far: 8.0 lb still to go: 120.0 lb Diet followed poorly
   add comment steady weight

01 September 2008

Well I have been away for awhile - quite awhile. Not away from home, but away from good nutrition, healthy activities and this website. I haven't been to the pool, walked, gone to Curves or eaten less than 2000 calories a day since the beginning of August.

We had our first milestone for the Biggest Loser contest at work on August 6 - which I won. We measured the winners by percentage weight lost. It was exciting to be the heaviest and still win. However, I am completely frustrated about how easy it is to slip back into overeating and laziness.

I thought maybe, just maybe, being 30 pounds lighter may be enough inspiration to stay on track after just a little indulgence. That was 4 weeks ago and that is the thinking that got me to 300 pounds, and will get me back there again.

I am worried that I won't be able to get back on track. Sometimes it is harder to get back on the horse after you've 'jumped off head first'.

I can already tell that my health has regressed. Going up a slope on the street or up a flight of stairs are back to being difficult.

I did weigh myself this morning and I weigh 270 (only 2 pounds up). However, it is on a different scale and I believe I have lost a lot of muscle that I built up by exercising before.

I need to get a handle on my health and wellness. My son is overweight, his blood pressure is very high and he is only 13. His doctor is very concerned about his health. I get that, but why do I still treat him to fish and chips or buttery popcorn?

What the f&*k is wrong with me? So not only am I hurting myself, but also my son. I am so ashamed. I need to do something. But yet again, I went through the drive thru today already. I can't afford this - financially or otherwise. I make good money, but most of it is spent on food - groceries that rot and eating out. My bills end up being paid so late they get cut off or payments bounce, yet I will still run through the drive thru.

I need to stop this right now. Yet, all I can think of is how horribly filthy my kitchen is and I am right back planning what can buy for supper or tomorrow's breakfast that is cheap and quick (and don't forget loaded with sugar and fat).

You know, intelligence has nothing to do with fighting the overwhelming desire to eat and eat and eat. I want to be free from my obsession with food. Replacing it with the obsession to win the contest worked for a bit - until I won. I need to practise a sustaining way of living healthy - one frigging meal at a time.

My friends and family are pretty sick of listening to me go on and on about wanting change and not be able to stick with it. I feel alone and ashamed - and then I eat some more. I eat when I am happy, sad, alone, afraid, excited, bored - you name it, I eat.

Anyways, better record my food for the and get back to work. Thanks for 'listening'.

01 September 2008

Weigh-in: 270.0 lb lost so far: 8.0 lb still to go: 120.0 lb Diet followed poorly
   add comment gaining 0.5 lb a week

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