BekkaL85's Journal

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03 November 2011

I'm offically sold on My Fitness Pal. Gonna be starting up with it tomorrow, after grocery shopping. The water ticker is what sold me on it. If FS had a water ticker...it would be a harder race.

FS has been wonderfull for me, and I've met alot of people here that I do consider my friends. (Even if we have never offically met!) Part of me doesn't really wanna leave, because it's safe and comfortable. I'm used to it. But...I've also learned how to cheat with it. It's alot easier to trick myself here, and that's not a good thing.

My user at MFP is the same as here, bekkaL85. And you'll probably see me around...for the recipes here if nothing else!

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26 October 2011

The end of today will mark an officall 4 days that I'm back on track. I like letting myself have a little sweet at the end of the day. Kind of a reward for not letting myself do whatever I want. This week is honey buns. Yummy, especially when it's heated up in the microwave for a bit.

Today I cleaned the living room. Well..no vacuum yet. I hate doing that. It sucks. Thursday is the dining room and kitchen and Friday is pumpkin carving and prep work for the party. Sat is the party. Part of me is really looking forward to it, but part of me isn't. I like spending time with everyone..but I hate all of the prep work that comes with it. And I love cooking, but what I'm making isn't really good for me, esp since I just got back on the wagon. I'm just gonna try to follow the plan. Hopefully everything works out right.

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24 October 2011

I did it. Yesterday I stayed on track the entire time. I was quite proud my myself until about 10 at night when I started to get hungry. I took a bath and read a book. Distracted me a bit. And I filled up on ice water. Lots of it. I don't know about you guys, but I only like my water if it's really cold. Just short of crystilizing cold. Yummy. Warm water is disgusting. It tastes like spit. Yuck. I don't see how Kelly and CC do it. Nasties. Rambling I know, but I'm very passionate about my water. Resturants don't even get it right. I asked for ICE water, not luke warm water with 3 or 4 of your flat annoying ice cubes in it.

Halloween party is on Saturday. We do a pot luck sort of thing. Michael and I (read michael is at work, so becki has to do it) are making rice crispy treats, brownie pizza, peanut butter brownies, 3 pizzas, and califlower casserole. I'm thinking that I might make some carmel apples as a gift or something. I'm not against all of this cooking, I like to cook. I love to bake. The crispy treats will be cute. I have small baking pans in the shape of a bat, a ghost, and a pumpkin. I'm deciding a plan of attack right now. I'm gonna have a crispy treat, and 2 squares of pizza. Then I'm gonna fill up on the califlower. It's surprisingly delicious. I just don't make it alot because Michael doesn't like califlower. Bt is gonna bring another side, Cory and Andrew are bringing drinks, and CC and Cassie and Dylan and Darrel are doing appitizers. I'll have a bit of appitizers, just not sure what. And, I think that if I space it out right, I can feel full.
I also have to clean. Plan of attack is today I'm gonna clean my bedroom. Tomorrow I'm gonna clean the guest bathroom really good. I also have a tour planned for an assisted living place for my grandpa. (More on that tomorrow). Weds is gonna be the living room and the stairs. (I hate vaccumming with a passion) Thursday is the dining room and kitchen. Gonna cook everything but the crispy treats and califlower casserole on Fri. Then those two on Sat cause they're best if they're fresh. Also gonna clean (and wash) the ferret's cage on Sat.
I think it's good. I need something to do. I need a reason to get out of bed right now. It's sad but true.
I'm feeling alot more positive right now than I have been in the past couple of days. Which is good. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling depressed, and the anger comes from not liking myself like that gets released at Michael, and he really doesn't deserve that.
Gonna try to get the energy to go walking today. I do miss that. it's truej me time.

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23 October 2011

I got depressed. Actually, I kinda get depressed easily. Cassie is talking about getting pregnant. That's all she can talk about. CC, her wife, said in 18 months once things settle down, they're gonna go get her inseminated. Well, good for them and all that I guess. Michael and I have been trying for 3 years to have just one baby and they're gonna get to have 2. Greedy. Then I have the nerve to say that it's a sensitive subject for me. That makes her feel bad. I didn't mean for it to do that, but apparently it did. They next couple of days all she does is moan and complain about Mac, her 3 year old neice that they are basically raising. How she doesn't listen and all that stuff that little kids start too do around that age. So, I said that it's funny. I would willingly give up almost anything to have what she bitches about on a daily basis. That got Cory involved. Look, we all know that Cory and Cassie and CC wanna do some adult activities, but you need to let Cassie fight her own battle. It wasn't even a battle. Just a comment.
I don't think that Cory cares for me that much really. He doesn't like that Michael is standing up for himself and being a little bit more scarcastic lately. I'm encouraging it. I love the fact that he can take care of himself. Apparently this means that I'm changing him for the worse.
All in all, it just seems that lately I can't DO or SAY anything right. And that is making me depressed (Iguess). I don't wanna clean, or go walking, and I especally don't wanna be eating right. You wouldn't believe what I cleaned through in the three or four days that Michael let me feel bad about myself.

And Halloween. How I love it. Every year I go as a witch, because I'm a the type of person who enjoys the irony in that. Well, this year Cassie decided that we were gonna go as the same thing. Kinda a twin type thing. She decided on pirates, without even talking to me. Then she decided we are going to Johnny Brocks to get costumes. I have nothing against Brocks. With the exception of a few of their employees (and let's face it, you'll get that everywhere) I find it to be a great store. They just rarely have any clothes for big people, let alone fat ones like me. She picked out a 3x, which is about my size in mens', and we go to try it on. And, of course it doesn't fit. Won't even zip up halfway. And it kills me. I've been trying since January to get healthier and skinnier and all of that. But, no one sees that. All they see is a big fat blob walking around. They have no clue how hard it is to know that you did this to yourself, and you still can't seem to stop. So of course, I get the looks that I'm used to. The "oh, I can't believe that your out in public your so fat" looks. Then my sister Kelly calls. She was complaining that she would have to up the chest size in her bellydancer outfit. And I lost it. I pretty much yelled at her. She's always had a big chest. Men love a big chest. A big stomach, not so much. She's been here. She was about a 24, and on her short little body, that made it look worse. So, she's trying to comfort me and make me feel better. You know what would have made me feel better? Godiva chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake factory. THAT would have made me happy.
The car's fixed, but it cost us pretty much one whole paycheck. So, we are VERY short on money. Right now life just sucks ass. That's the whole problem. And I know, I know...I'm supposed to push past it and all that jazz. It's just really hard right now. And, it shouldn't be. But food makes me happy. I like being happy. Especially when I look this bad. I just really need to get back on the horse. I need to stop fooling around and just get to where I need to be. It's just so hard right now.

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14 October 2011

Weigh-in: 330.2 lb

lost so far: 47.8 lb

still to go: 152.2 lb

Diet followed reasonably well

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