Johanne's Journal, 01 February 2018

Do you know why? Without understanding why we go so far off our plan it is really hard to change the behaviour.  

Just stress, major stress from various directions that are not in my control. It's so much easier to just give up and not care about anything. I'm not taking care of myself, my house, my connections . . . nothing really. I'm just kind of floating in front of the idiot box. It started with the election. I just now realized that! I feel helpless in my personal life and for my friends and family. It's a real sense of doom as I see more and more things that are important to me, dismantled. 

Johanne, I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Try doing a couple small things a day that make you feel happy or more in control. Write them down so you can look back at them and smile.  

The lack of interest and energy sounds like depression. Have you thought about talking to your doctor about it? Maybe some counselling or even meds might help. I'm not a big fan of taking pills but if there is something that could get you out of this rut it might be worthwhile.  

Johanne, I am very worried about you. If you live in USA, please call 1-800-273-8255 or 911 If your are in Canada please call 911 and tell them you need to talk to someone right away. Relay to them how you are feeling, like you did in your post. There is help and hope. I am positive there is a whole lots of people in your life that love you and will be there for you. You just have to ask. Please post a response so that you will ask for help or that you have already asked for help. 

Your in my prayers for some peace... 

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare anyone. I'm in no danger. I'm in care already. I do have depression and anxiety, and I'm being treated for both. This last year has been a rough one, not just for me. Somewhere along the way, I've LOST my way. I actually have an enormous family and friend base who love me. In April, I'm being given a huge accolade by my social group, with all the pomp and circumstance that comes with that. Everyone around me is excited and busily working to make that happen. I should be elated but, in the end, I live alone. My thoughts and my total lack of energy to participate are plaguing me. I'm ingnoring my own health and wellbeing and feeling like a failure. I'm working with professionals, taking steps to mend the situation. I'm already on meds. I'll work my way through it. I just need to take those daily steps, like keeping my food journal, eating the way I'm supposed to, doing my hair every day, getting a shower and getting out of my pajamas that I live in. These are things normal people take for granted. My sister once said, "Even birds preen every day," as she put on her make-up. I haven't been (though I've never worn make-up, as a rule. LOL!) Anyway, as I said, I'm in no actual danger, just absurdly unhappy, with no tangible reason. 

Don't feel sorry for voicing your thoughts Johanne. From personal first-hand experience, I thought about my response, and I knew it was better to react than do nothing. The key crisis words that I felt, were all there: no self-care, hopeless, doom, give up. I am so glad to hear that you are already getting treatment for depression. Let your professionals know how you are feeling this week. Maybe they can adjust something, or add another option to your therapy plan. Once I was stablized and out of imminent danger to myself, I was referred to a 'safe' support group lead by a wonderful psychologist/therapist. There were 10 of us that met weekly for 6 months, (confidentiality agreements were signed) and that helped me more than anything else. You have to take all those baby steps they have advised you to do, but wellness is not instantaneous. Regarding stresses which are out of your control...vent and let it go. One of my ways to vent is to tape all the late night comedy shows (Colbert & Myers, Kimmel, Fallon), and watch the first 10 minutes or so, of 1 or 2 of them each morning, and then fast forward to the end, if there is a musical guest. It really helps me to see the absurdity & humour, and lessens the scary & sad. Best wishes to you Johanne. 

I'm glad you have a good support group. I've suffered with depression since I was a child and it is difficult when you don't know why it happens. 

Johanne, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I also suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder. I have had them since BEFORE they had anti-depressant meds. Yes, I'm older than dirt! lol I have diabetes, COPD, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux, chronic back pain and my excess weight (to put it mildly). I totally understand not wanting to get out of your pj's and the circular thought patterns that go with depression and anxiety. It is a horrible battle to fight. You obviously understand that medications help. It is so important to be on the right med and the right dosage to have help take the edge off. There was no magic pill for me. It was not until I start taking my life back from the mental health issues, that I found the peace I've been looking for for 60 years! Please don't feel like this is lecture. It most certainly is NOT meant to be! Having been where you are for a great portion of my life, I want to give you some encouragement!! There are times when you first start changing little things....changing out of your jammies, getting up from in front of the television to dust a table, taking a leisurely bath regularly that it is really hard to do. The truth is, you can do them. Once you start, it becomes easier and the schedule is something that gives you a sense of control over your life. Start with little things...don't tackle the whole house..just dust a table today, clean a bathtub tomorrow. It will all add up. When I was in the darkest of places, I started to make myself "think differently". I spent time looking at lovely photos online...flowers, rivers, fall leaves...something that I found beauty in. When I couldn't think of anything good happening in my world, I made it a point to list 10 things I was grateful for. Granted, I couldn't think of ten at first, so I started with five. Things like "I am grateful for the beautiful color of the sky today", "I love the sounds of rain falling", "I'm grateful for my family", "I'm grateful for the taste of this cup of tea". It can be anything, but needs to be something meaningful to you. Doing that somehow changes the working of your mind to see that life isn't completely in control of you and that there are things that YOU control. You have control over what you find beautiful in your life. It's amazing how a few days of starting that way can become a habit; how a few days of taking care of you become a habit. Amazing how those tiny habits come together to change how you feel. Is this a magic pill? Certainly not! Little changes do make a difference, though. If you have a faith that you follow, create a prayer that becomes something you regularly say. Mine has taken several years to evolve and takes about 20 minutes to say completely. During that time, the dark thoughts don't take over. I am focused on something positive. It might work for you also. Step outside yourself and try to find one person a day to reach out to. Do something nice for them (like send them a card or an email), call them to check on how THEY are doing. It doesn't have to be a major production, just a kind gesture (even just saying in an email "I'm thinking about you. Hope you are doing well."). It takes you out of yourself, gives something positive to the world you can't control. After a while, the little things will start to bury the big ones that have you paralyzed right now and you will see the sun again :) Depression and anxiety are physical manifestations. They are the same as any disease and can be totally overwhelming. The moment we can take control of the things that we can, that is when your life changes. :) 

find what is your weakness and try to avoid (food,stress)it. Mine has been lately I fell and having to go slow till everything is gotten over it. I try to keep my mind busy so as not to think about the things that bother me and of course food too 

Hi Jo, I am so glad to see you are still active here! I don't know of very many people from when I first joined who still post. That is a good sign to me... that you are reflecting on the state you're in and getting support from so many nice people here who are dealing with similar feelings of despair. I'm back today to address having "given up" in so many aspects of my life too. It helps to write it down and put it out here. Anyway, I really am glad you're here! 

Love you. Buddy. We all are here for you. 

It's always been emotional and binge eating for me. Try findind healthier alternatives to start, then portion control, once you are ready, add the physical activity. I'm one month in and starting to feel much better. that makes the next step worth it.  

Do you have an accountability partner. I was looking for one for quite some time. Just started with one and she is very knowledgable. I am on a specific nutritional program, but I have been way too lackadaisical about it. I know the last time I was serious about it, I lost over 30 lb. in a month. It is very encouraging when you feel great and lose relatively quickly. Just starting back a couple days ago. Now I have just under 200 lb. to lose. I really recommend an accountability partner if you can get one. 

Thanks everyone. Lapsed, yet again. I'm trying . . . YET AGAIN! Logged my food today. One foot in front of the other. My studio is finally sorted, organized and useable. That was one big hurdle out of the way. I need for spring to sprung! 

I can't wait until spring as well. Get outside and get into gardening and landscaping. I find when I'm busy I don't spend so much time with my head in the fridge looking for something to eat.  

We have 1/4" of ice coating everything today! Yes! Spring!!!  

nice drop!