Miraculum's Journal, 24 August 2017

My maternal grandmother was a very slight, short, fine-boned woman. My mother was fine-boned, too, and very thin as a girl. However, at 5'11", to my grandmother, she was "too big." That was drilled into her. Basically: "Since you're so 'big,' you must act 'small' so as to not call attention to yourself! You must try to be invisible."

In her late 20s and early 30s, my mother struggled with (just) 20 or 30 pounds of post-pregnancy weight, and she passed on her poor self-image to me.

My mother had a talent for drawing but never showed it to me till months before she died at age 34. Be careful that no one sees you actually taking pride in your skills and talents, GOD FORBID! As my grandmother had taught her, "SPS! Self-praise stinks!" What a waste!

Similarly, I had to be a "star" in school, but to "own" my accomplishments was to be "conceited." Worse, I was also "too big" and had to learn to act "small."

Mom hounded me about my weight when we'd shop for my school clothes: "You're going to spend the rest of your life in elasticized waists!" Invatiably, I was reduced to tears, and clothes-shopping -- even by mail! -- provokes terrible anxiety.

When I was 12, dreaded my annual pre-Girl-Scout-camp physical because I was 130 pounds. I didn't want to be one-THIRTY! Only FAT people weigh that much! White bread was the enemy, and became the first food about which I knew the calorie count. At 12!

However, I look at pictures from my teen years now and realize that I was never really "fat." I was just "evolving" and went through a thick-in-the-middle phase that passed by the time I was 15 or 16. No mattet; the damage had been done to my self-image.

So, when I saw a truly obese 285-pound woman in my bus window reflection, and realized it was *me*, I was appalled.

I'm getting rid of that ghost, a half-pound at a time.

I look at pictures from my teen years now and realize that I was never really "fat." I was just went through a thick-in-the-middle phase that passed by the time I was 15 or 16. But the damage to my self-image was done.

So here I am, fighting a very real battle instead of my mother's projection.

217.0 lb Lost so far: 68.0 lb.    Still to go: 49.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 24 August 2017:
933 kcal Fat: 41.34g | Prot: 67.68g | Carb: 74.54g.   Lunch: Boar's Head Sweet Slice Smoked Ham, Raspberries. Dinner: Beef Top Sirloin (Trimmed to 1/8" Fat), Birds Eye Steamfresh Broccoli, Raspberries, Harris Teeter Whipped Topping, Strawberries. Snacks/Other: Choceur Dark Chocolate, General Foods International Suisse Mocha Cafe, Coffee-Mate Original Powder Creamer. more...
2418 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 6 hours, Resting - 18 hours. more...
on diet LCHF: Low carb, High fat / Ketogenic Diet   losing 10.5 lb a week

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1 to 20 of 28
I know how it starts as a teenager, your self image. I was a size 9 or 11 in high school with 3 younger sister who were always size 1 or 3 all through high school so I felt HUGE next to them. Now 2 of the 3 sisters (and me too) would love to be able to wear a size 10. The other sister is barely 100 pounds but pays for it with life long IBS.  
24 Aug 17 by member: Fritzy 22
Your post really broke my heart. I hurt for you and for your mother, and for my mother too and maybe myself a little. My God, so many of the ideologies in those days were so warped. My mother is 80 years old, about 105-110lbs and she hates her body. She has been telling me everything that is wrong with it since I was a little girl. I always felt sad for her. That beautiful body had 10 babies and yet she degraded it daily. She also shunned pride or self praise, just as her mother and your mother did. My aunt used to praise my cousins and tell them how great they were. It disgusted my mother and she would tell me every time my aunt did it. God forbid you feel good about yourself. I have lost 53 lbs in 6 months and have gone from a 16 to an 8 and no one in my family has said a word. Not a single word. God forbid they swell my head. It's ludicrous. Anyway, your mother and her mother were wrong, wrong, wrong. It was never about you. There was nothing wrong with you. It was always about their stupid insecurities. I'm sorry they projected that bs on you. Even right now, you are perfect, you are not your body. If you want to get healthier, feel better etc, that's great, but the only person you need to do it for is you. 
24 Aug 17 by member: 2426girl
I could never articulate my story as you have but you have shared your inner most feelings of pain. As I read this I'm reminded of how much my mother idolized my childhood friend who was the tiniest little blond pixie while I was the 'big, boned one waiting to get taller'. I hit 5'5" so that never happened. Anyway, I remember the comments 'why can't you be more like...I think I said this before? Kindergarten, first day 'twins' same dress but that's where it ends she had blond, curly hair and wore a size 4. I had straight 🐭 ey brown hair and wore a 6X. This did not bode well for Mr either Miraculum. Whether I was or wasn't overweight? I too was raised in a home where accomplishment was absolutely expected but no praise was ever given. We lived in a different time. All I knew was you better not bring home a C but it didn't seem to matter how many A's you got? That was being prideful. Is that the right word? You never celebrated your achievements because it was bragging and no body likes a bragger. Thank you for sharing with us Miraculum because it validates that I wasn't the only lost girl. There were millions of us silently crying out to be acknowledged and accepted for who they were rather whom someone else thought they should be.  
24 Aug 17 by member: paulanavarette
2426girl. I just went through the same experience with total lack of acknowledgement for my efforts and the changes I've made in myself. It kinda floored me? I was excited thinking how surprised 😳 my sister in law would be to see me? 50 lbs less. Nope 👎🏻. Not a word. My husband said I had been working really hard at some point during our stay and she said 'oh, I thought you looked a little different?' Yup, that's it. But his side of the family ranges from over weight to obese to morbidly obese. Can't 'weight' for the 'cold shoulder ' this winter ❄️ in Florida when the M.O. sister sees me? I'm sure the other sister told her and btw...we put a pxt on FB. Comments 0 from family. Former co-workers overwhelmed! Go figure and you think your family is always there to support you. Weight problems are just such a deeply emotional issue. As long as I weighed 224 lbs. my 300 lbs. S-I-L had fat company. She was always telling me she just lost 10 lbs. or she had to get serious again or that her finger sticks were really good. Of course she's diabetic. 3 out of 4 of the family are. So, Oct. will come and I've found my praise, support and encouragement here and don't have to worry about family. Because we all know? You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Good luck 😊. 
24 Aug 17 by member: paulanavarette
I know the pain of not feeling like you measure up! Thanks for your words! So glad you see your worth and know that you are exactly perfect the way you are!! 👍🏻💖 
25 Aug 17 by member: Junesmomma
Sometimes other fat people feel worse about themselves when they see you succeeding. It's not rational, but people are complicated and have their own pain. Too bad they can't step out of it long enough to share your success and congratulate you - and maybe learn how you've done it. 
25 Aug 17 by member: erikahollister
Love your share. I know that I've been there.  
25 Aug 17 by member: DameMcMame
People ARE complicated. When we are trying and working so hard it is so nice when someone notices we are losing weight. But some people might think they would embarrass us if they said something. I remember years ago I worked in a big office building. I noticed a man in a different department seemed to be losing weight. At first I wasn't sure, then it became more and more noticeable. I would see him on breaks when I would go outside to take a walk and I'd see him outside too. I worried he might be sick he was getting so thin. Finally one day as we passed each other outside I finally said, "Russ, you've been losing weight." He just lit up and told me yes and explained the diet he had been following. After I got back to my desk I noticed he sent me an email thanking me for saying something, telling me no one else in the building had said a thing. 
25 Aug 17 by member: Fritzy 22
Speaking of "smaller" friends and sisters, etc., I was always one of the tallest girls in school, and certainly towered over the boys for a long time! My friends were all at least 3 inches shorter than I -- some 5-6-7-8 inches shorter! Well, of course, they weighed much less! My sister ended up being slightly taller, but she was always a "live wire" -- physically more active, emotionally very over-reactive -- so she was always thin as a child. As we grew up, we developed completely different shapes: I carried my weight from shoulders to hips with nicely-shaped, thin legs; she was "normal" from shoulders to waist but her butt, thighs, and calves were very heavy. We used to say that the "perfect body" would have her top half and my bottom half! 
25 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
Sigh - yeah - I know this story too well. Listen, just know you aren't alone in your feelings. I tend to mourn the lost time that I wasted with being obese, with poor self image, etc. but I can only move forward and count my blessings for today. You seem like an awesome person and you are on the right track! Keep going! 
25 Aug 17 by member: ny_shelly
In june, at a family funeral, I saw my sister for the first time in several years. She can be extremely violent, verbally and physically, so I've finally learned to give her a very wide berth. I just don't need that in my life. I was shocked to see how much weight she'd put on, from the waist up. And, since she's about an inch-and-a-half taller than I, she looked "big" to me! I mean, objectively large, imposing, intimidating. My sister is not afraid to do me -- or anyone else -- physical harm when angry. Her assaults always came as a "surprise" to me, because I've never been one to strike out physically. We both suffered frequent and terrible beatings at my father's hands when we were teenagers, after our mother died and he remarried. My "visible" scar is my ready tearfulness. OTOH, my sister's anger is nuclear. (If a man ever laid a hand on me, it would have been his last conscious act, and I've never "attract" physical abusers. However, both of my sister's marriages were marred by physical assaults, and she "gave as good as she got." How our childhoods can mark us!) 
25 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
These posts make me sad. :( I'm so sorry that many women (and men too) go through this crap. Your grandmother may have had the same kind of upbringing. Ladies, we are all beautiful, no matter what size we are. We all have that inner spark which makes us glow. We have a saying in Scotland - that it's a great thing to "have a good conceit of yourself". There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving yourself and being happy with, or yes, even proud of, your goals and milestones. Anyway, I feel pretty "huggy" today and wanted to say this to all my FS friends. :) 
25 Aug 17 by member: Elisaidh
Wow! About 80% of your story could be my story. Only I was the abusive one in the family after undergoing much abuse. My parents were very abusive and when I started fighting back my younger siblings became afraid and intimidated. They were isolated from me and I was isolated from most people because of my size and and stature and now verbal abuse that I could lay on people. But on August 13th of 2000, I forgave all those that had abused me and received forgiveness for those I had abused. I began to see myself very differently and I became more kind to those around me, especially the family members. Unfortunately, they were still seeing me as they had perceived me after so many years. It was about six years ago that they began seeing me differently and now we have a very good relationship. Forgiving yourself and others is powerful. Thanks for sharing your story. 
25 Aug 17 by member: Fartblossem
Hi, Fartblossem -- I can only control my own actions and feelings. My father's abuse destroyed our family in the early 1970s and it became "every man for himself." He's been dead for nine years now. My sister and brother, both younger than I, adapted and survived in quite different ways. _____ We've all been divorced twice; I'm fortunate to have found a wonderful husband. My siblings both work full-time and remain single. Each has four children and several grandchildren who keep them busy. My brother is a self-supporting, shy, sweet, and generous soul. He and I have a very cordial relationship but I do all the initiating. _____ I've tried to reconcile with my sister but even talking to her on the phone devolves into a tirade of obscenities. Unfortunately, she's bipolar, has been self-medicating with alcohol for decades, and has refused a number of attempts at professional and family intervention. Her adult daughters are beginning to understand that their mother manipulates them for financial gain, which their spouses resent. However, her older son, also an alcoholic, has the means and the inclination to indulge his mother, making the rest of us look, at best, "unreasonable." _____ I've mourned the death of our family but it still makes me sad. 
25 Aug 17 by member: Miraculum
I agree that you can only control your own actions and feelings. You can't fix them, only love them, even if only from a distance. I too am sad for your family. Loving yourself is probably something else your mom objected to but do it anyway. You First! Don't give up and keep going.  
25 Aug 17 by member: Fartblossem
Wow... The story of your sister and nephew sounds exactly like my dad's mother and my uncle, back when they were still alive. It was a very weird codependent relationship. The two lived together well into my uncles adult life and on and off again through both of their many failed marriages. 
25 Aug 17 by member: junkinthehatchback
Oh, and this was after she abandoned them as children! I always found this incredibly weird. 
25 Aug 17 by member: junkinthehatchback
My mother would make similar remarks to me as a child and later as a teen when we went for clothes shopping. Most of the rhetoric she shared came from being told the EXACT SAME THINGS by her mother growing up. It's difficult to break the cycle and be in a position to hand down a gracious and constructive legacy. I am proud of you! 
25 Aug 17 by member: From371to184
As you journey through the past the future will become more clear.  
25 Aug 17 by member: perks54
It is scary on how words people speak to us make us see ourselves in their eyes undressing how we really look. I am sorry you went through what you did. I too was told I was fat and ugly for a long time I believed the lies and now I see my pictures from the past and realize I was much skinnier and prettier than they told me I was. I have learned to love who I am despite my weight. I know that God created me fearfully and wonderfully. You to are fearfully and wonderfully made. I sometimes still struggle but remind myself daily of this. Love yourself!!! Care for yourself!! I pray that you would be able to see yourself as God sees you. BEAUTIFUL!!!!! 
25 Aug 17 by member: kellymh08


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