madaboutmoose's Journal, 25 February 2010

Perspective. Working on gaining perspective this morning.

It occurred to me that I have been under a fair amount of stress for quite some time ... actually more than 2 years altogether, though for a while I spent some time in denial ... no not the river in Egypt!!

Bob's initial cancer diagnosis was more than 2 years ago. That was a very stressful time as he and I did not agree on how to proceed. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I needed to honor his choices and I made 'peace' with the path he chose. We spent a lot of money on alternative methods, eventually realizing we could not keep it up. Then denial ... well not complete denial ... I was always aware that he had cancer but I couldn't do anything about it ... he had to make that choice.

Then late this past summer he began to not feel well. He decided to go to the doctor and had another PSA test and the numbers had risen significantly. That began this most recent leg of the journey ... with things really peaking in September as we learned more details about his cancer. Many strong emotions since then. Since our trip to Mexico in late October there are been more balance ... Bob was able to come to some 'peace' about his condition, helping him find a way to cope on a day-to-day basis. Bob's 'peace' meant life was less 'intense' for me. We are both deeply passionate and intense people.

And so ... since then much has transpired. Life has continued, with some days 'up' and some days 'down', not unlike life in general but with the added twist and ever present awareness that life is indeed tenuous at best and the future is always uncertain. Add things like the holidays (while fun also stressful), a bum tooth, a heart attack (FIL), cancer treatment, work, and just the everyday things that happen like money stresses, cut backs at work, strange family dynamics, mechanical breakdowns, so on and so forth ... you all live life, you know what they are and can be ... and I realize that it shouldn't surprise me that I feel tired, that I find my emotions are much more easily triggered these days, that I sometimes feel like curling up in the fetal position and sobbing, that I sometimes eat more than I really planned, that I often don't feel like socializing, that I wish at times I could just run away.

Stressing about how much I weigh isn't productive. Instead I need to really let it sink in that maintaining my weight in the range that I have for the number of months that I have is an incredible accomplishment. It must mean something. I must realize that when I choose to feel badly about my body, the number on the scale, even what I chose to put in my mouth at any given moment in time it is a way to 'hurt' myself and I must stop it as quickly as I can. I think sometimes that it is easier to fret about food and weight because it 'feels like' maybe it is in my control. Of course it really is in my control ... but somehow I twist it around and use it to hurt myself ... not all the time, but certainly sometimes. I am smiling, because I just realized that in the past I would 'hurt' myself pretty much all of the time and didn't even have a clue that I was doing it!! Now I do have a clue!! In fact, I am even able to stop myself in the process. Big SIGH and tears. Life is so interesting.

Someone told me, many years ago that being able to feel 'pain' or 'sadness' meant that we were also able to feel 'great joy' and 'peace'. I guess kind of the ying and yang concept. Without great pain how would we recognize great joy? Someone else told me that we each compare our 'insides' to the 'outsides' of other people. We don't really know what other people think or feel in their internal world unless they share it ... and many do not share it. Many others aren't even really very aware of their internal processes ... they numb it with exterior things ... it is too painful ... blast it with music, feed it food, alcohol, drugs, sex, fill it with duty, work, restoring cars ... whatever.

I AM glad I am me. I do sometimes want to escape ... but where can I go? I do take 'breaks' and let myself visualize, go on vacation, watch an inane movie, read a book, exercise, and so forth. But I am also 'tired' and just want to quit. LOL!!! Like I could really quit.

2 more days of radiation. Another difficult night for my hubby. The folks at the cancer center tell him the side effects he has now are from the broader treatments they did targeting his lymph nodes and they expect that those side effects are peaking and will soon subside. His current treatments are targeted directly on the prostate. And so, I plan on working from home today. Fortunately I have been slugging around files with me, to and from the office, so I do have quite a bit I can work on. And, I guess in a weird sort of way it is good I have been 'behind' in paperwork because I really do have plenty of work I can do without seeing any clients!!

You are not going to believe what I am about to tell you. I was in a hurry to 'run' to the bathroom, tripped over the strap on my bag sitting on the floor with all my work files in it and fell!! I fell into a table, hitting my upper chest with the corner of the table and fell to the floor. So now I have a very sore rug burn on one knee and it hurts all the way into my upper shoulder and down my right arm. I can move everything so I don't think I broke anything but I am fairly certain I am going to be quite sore for a while. It hurts to breathe. Of course it has to be my right side too. Holy crap. Talk about being klutzy. I scared the dog, myself, and my poor husband who thought someone was breaking into the house. Guess it was a good thing I already planned to be home from work today and tomorrow. Looks like I'll be taking it easy. If I need to I'll call my doctor later but I think I just bruised myself and tweaked everything really well. Not much the doctor can do.

I think you'll understand if I skip my grateful list for now. Think I'll go recline on the sofa. Take care ... and watch where you walk!!!

183.4 lb Lost so far: 75.8 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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628 kcal

Fat: 21.70g | Prot: 42.40g | Carb: 63.00g.   Breakfast: fat free cheese slice, Jarlsberg Lite, roasted Chicken, large egg. Snacks/Other: Oreo Thin Crisps 100 Calorie Packs. more...