kingkeld's Journal, 17 January 2012

I simply love you guys! There, I said it. Don't let Wife know! LOL!

No, honestly, I love the way the buddy system works here on FatSecret. It's so good to know that when we're doubting ourselves, there are people who are interested, who cares, who support, who just share thoughts, and help us back in that groove that we need so badly.

Yesterday, I was definitely in such a groove. I felt that my weight loss journey had come to a halt. I felt that things haven't moved as fast as they should - and I still agree with that statement.

The big difference from yesterday and today is that I think I have an understanding of what might be happening. This understanding is thanks to my much loved buddies - especially Ryan75 and Sk1nnyfuture, but also many others.

You pointed out some things that should be fairly obvious to me, but were not. It's strange how we think we have things straightened out, but until someone points it out - we really don't.

Ryan posted a very relevant question: "Are you READY to be done losing weight?". The obvious answer is "Uh, yeah. Duh." However, the answer MAY not be true. The answer may be much more complicated than that.

For the last 16 months, I've had an identity in losing weight. For 16 months I've been a "weight loss hero", succeeding what I have tried many times before, becoming an inspiration to friends and coworkers, and people here on FatSecret. I try to support, share my knowledge and generally "pay it forward" to anyone that I can help doing the same.

However, what happens when I am DONE losing weight. Then I change identity. I will no longer be the one LOSING weight. I will no longer hear the "Man, you just keep getting thinner and thinner", or the "How much more are you gonna lose?" comments. It will change to something else, and I won't know what it is. Am I ready for this? It's uncharted territory, and I am not always a big fan of this. I like to have settled in my habits, and this IS a scary place to get to.

However, it IS a place I want to get to. I have had a good "talk" with myself about that, all day yesterday. I think I have made the decision with myself that this IS where I want to go. I do need to finish this. But I am also aware of the scary part of doing something new. Of having accomplished this. It's so strange how our minds play tricks on us.

Another thing that could slow me down is Wife. Not intensionally, of course - she loves me WAY too much to do that. However, she made a comment one day about how SHE had to come to terms with the way I look. She fell in love with a chubby guy and he is not around any longer. She is genuinely happy that I am losing weight, and she is genuinely happy that I am healthier and happier, and she is happy changing too. However, this comment may have settled with me in ways that I haven't fully comprehended yet. It could be whispering in my ear that maybe she loves me more as a chubby guy.

This, of course, is my mind talking to me, not her talking to me. I know she loves me. I know where I stand with her, and her with me. I have no doubts. However, the subconsciousness doesn't always agree.

And this is where the mindfulness comes in. I have done two "classes" so far, and I am a little bit on pause. I want Wife to join me, as I see that she can really use it. She's kind of a slow starter though, so I have to be a little patient. I'm considering just moving on with it, and re-doing it when and if she becomes more interested. I need it, and I can't wait too long.

I think tomorrow is a good day for next session, I'll ask her whether I will start over with her, or just go on my own. I think we need to be at least half interested in doing this for it to work, and I am not sure she is there just now.

So, what about the weight? Well, this is where things get weird. Sometimes a decision can make a difference. I have been lingering in the 81-82 kgs for a LONG time. Yesterday I was in the upper part of it, at 82.8 kgs. Yesterday I didn't do much out of the ordinary. I changed my RDI back to 1600, where I have lost most efficiently in the later months, and tried to focus on just doing okay. We ate a good, reasonable dinner, I had leftovers for lunch and I had a (smaller) portion of low cal ice cream as an evening treat. It's all things I've done for ages, also the last month or so.

However, when I got on the scale, I have dropped 2 kgs! Yes! I am actually OUT OF the 81-82 humdrum, and weighed in at 80.8 kgs. Now, of course, it would be nice to just stay in the 80 and going downwards, but I'm not sure it'll stick just yet. I will try hard though. Losing weight just got a lot more fun with this new low - and it's only Tuesday. I should be able to keep it for at least a good weigh-in on Saturday - that's 4 days from now. Let's see if I can do it.

I can tell that this new lowest weigh-in got my motivation back. It's put me more back in the groove, and I want to stay here. It's a good place for me to be, for now.

I will, with this new lowest weigh-in, prepare myself mentally for finishing. I will try to visualize how it's gonna be there, and what I will be doing and experience differently. I am thinking that this is a good way to move towards next step. I DO want to get there. I want to and I have to. I want to "finish" this. The term "finish" used loosely, as I am aware that I'm not gonna ever fully finish. With finish I mean reach my goal of 77 kgs, get the surgery, recover and maintain for life. Find a good spot weight-wise that I will find my comfortable in.

I have followed my good buddy Mikecontos for a while, watching his maintenance. He has written quite come about this - finding out at which weight he is most comfortable. I find it interesting. He is a good chunk below his goal weight, and has found a spot where he feels good. That spot is (from what I understand) within a few lbs. I wonder where this will be for me. I can tell that the more weight I lose, the more comfortable I become when moving around, walking, running, working, standing etc. I wonder when I will reach "optimal" weight for these things. How will I know? I guess time will tell.

See, these questions are what makes reaching goal difficult. We just don't know. It's kinda of like the big "Life after Death" question. We can all assume, but we don't really know.

So, what's in store for me today?

Well, there will be no catching up at work today. I will be attending a team-day with work, where our entire team goes for some classes, meetings and hopefully a little fun. It's gonna be a good day with great company. The only thing I dread is the "not specified surprise lunch", which for now is a secret. It might "just" be sandwiches, but as you know I don't like having these things thrown at me as they are hard to plan.

I have calculated breakfast and dinner, so I know what I can do with lunch. I will just have to adjust it accordingly. Hopefully it's not something too crazy. If they do sandwiches, I can always toss half the bread, scrape off mayo and what ever else yucky stuff they put in there. We'll see. I'll bring my little portable kitchen scale, so I will know a little better what I'm doing. I reached a great new low today, and I'll be damned if I have to give it away right away. :)

After "work", I'm going for a home/school meeting with Wife and Daughter, and then going to teach the kids. Yup. I sure got a full plate today. Lots to do.

It's gonna be a fun day though, I'm looking forward to it.

This new low has really put my mood up - I am truly amazed how my outlook can change.

EDIT: - A blue bar! I have FINALLY gotten my blue bar back! Of course I'm aware that it might not "stick" just yet, but this is SO exciting. This is the LAST blue bar on my weight loss journey. No more lowering my goal. No more setting lower goals after I reach one. At least I don't plan to. :) END OF EDIT.

Today I am thankful for
- THE BEST BUDDIES! Thanks again for all your insightful comments everyone!
- Full concerts on Youtube. Right now I'm groovin' to Wolfmother - CHECK IT OUT!
- A little too strong coffee in the morning.
- A good friend/future trainer/coworker picking me up in 30 minutes so I don't have to take the bus to the Team event day today.
- Kitty cat snuggling and always making me smile.
- Inbox messages.
- A NEW LOW! WOW!

Please ensure that you all have a great day today. Know that there is an army of buddies behind you. If you're new here and don't have too many buddies yet, go get some! I can't only encourage this. We are all here for you, as I know you're here for me.

Life is indeed good!
178.1 lb Lost so far: 163.6 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed 100%.

Diet Calendar Entries for 17 January 2012:
1196 kcal Fat: 30.57g | Prot: 68.56g | Carb: 167.79g.   Breakfast: Egg, Sliced Ham (Extra Lean), Rye Bread. Lunch: French or Vienna Bread (Includes Sourdough), Swiss Cheese, Sliced Ham (Extra Lean), Lettuce. Dinner: Lettuce Salad with Assorted Vegetables, Grilled Chicken (Skin Not Eaten). Snacks/Other: Carrots, Bananas, Pears. more...
2786 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sitting - 12 hours and 15 minutes, Standing - 1 hour, Walking (moderate) - 3/mph - 45 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Music playing - 2 hours. more...
on diet kingkeld's own diet   losing 30.9 lb a week

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Comments 
Great to hear you sounding and feeling so much better today and congrats on the new low. Did you notice the numbers coincidence today? You weighed in at 80.8 and you've lost 80.8! Awesome! 
17 Jan 12 by member: Earthlady
Thought provoking points again today. Starting the journey I'm sure you had the same ...misgivings? as now. Leaving your comfort zone to do something you've never done before can be a daunting challenge for anyone. Reaching the end of that task is a major milestone, and usually the next phase has taken on some of the same sense of turbulence you experienced before. "The only thing that never changes is change itself" is the best way I can sum it up. You'll find where you are comfortable and that skinny guy in there is going to jump for joy, dance with Wife, and eventually he'll settle into his new life. Till the next change :) Keep savoring the moments as they come. You're doing great. 
17 Jan 12 by member: Dani_Suave
Really good journal today. Made me think.  
17 Jan 12 by member: sunshine_girl
Glad you are feeling more chipper... And look great in Blue :-).... Hope it stays this way, until after indulgence (I would say from now on- but know this isn't feasible with your indulgence days). Visualising how you will feel, look, walk, run etc is a great way of preparing yourself, for your target weight. I will pinch that idea :-). A team day - sounds like fun and a great team bonding day. Have a great time - hope lunch won't spoil your day :-) 
17 Jan 12 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
Nothing will spoil my day. I guarantee it!  
17 Jan 12 by member: kingkeld
Nice entry Kingkeld! I am glad everything is working on for you and you were inspired to think yesterday! 
17 Jan 12 by member: posterchild66
Congrats on the new low! I am with you on feeling better on moving, standing etc. I have also developed a few new "poses". I like sitting with my knees pulled up, it's so much easier now that my legs are slimmer and I like looking at my knee caps...lol! Also on walking my thighs don't touch anymore which is a nice feeling. I also get you about entering unchartered territory. You've raised some very interesting questions. I guess there are always some issues we have to work on, no matter what our weight. Great post! 
17 Jan 12 by member: LaraStar
A new low does amazing things for your confidence- I know I could lose one right now but can't complain too much as that's not tecnically my current goal. Love your new found resolve to finally get to the finish line- we're all rooting for you and you'll continue to be one of our weight loss idols even when you're no longer losing ;-) 
17 Jan 12 by member: gnat824
Glad your optimism came back! :) once you "finish" your diet, you'll have to teach us about maintaining. You seem like a person who will always have challenging and fun things to teach us since you stay so involved in life.  
17 Jan 12 by member: just.keep.swimming
So happy for you!!! This is indeed an interesting journey. I don't think I will ever figure myself out. Take care!! 
17 Jan 12 by member: madaboutmoose
You're our "poster child" for doing it and being successful. Even when you reach your final goal and embark on maintenance, we'll still be using you as the standard of excellence! Glad to hear the new low, blue bar, etc., have strengthened your resolve. I am thankful for the standard you have set!! Have an awesome day!!! 
17 Jan 12 by member: ZippyDani
WAY TO REACH BLUE BAR! It is amazing how something as simple as the color of a bar can make us feel so AMAZING! It is also nice to know that we can share this feeling with others that understand what we are talking about. Good luck on the lunch surprise. The good thing is that if you have activities and good conversation with co-workers you may be so distracted that you can avoid some of the downfalls.  
17 Jan 12 by member: M.Trublu
Hi Keld, I could not leave it here, but I left a message for you in my journal. YOU GO!! 
17 Jan 12 by member: Ryan75
We love you too, Keld!! SOO happy for you and your blue bar!! I just want a yellow one!! :) :) 
17 Jan 12 by member: erika2633
Keld, you had some great insights since yesterday. I'm so pumped to hear you sound so happy. Good going buddy! 
17 Jan 12 by member: Johanne
well Keld it sounds like you may have reached or are very close to reaching your optimum weight when you say you are getting more comfortable moving around ect and i think hovering in the 81 to 82 kg is your body shouting "Keld, THIS IS COMFY, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK, BUT CAN WE SET UP CAMP HERE NOW" Of course i know you have to reach 77kg for surgery though. Lets put it this way, i think you are thereabouts. So happy for you Keld. Sazy x x 
17 Jan 12 by member: sazy
What a great day for me to choose a new journal!! I enjoyed your journal so much, infact I have TONS in common w/ you. I have been seeing your action on Moose's journal so I like your comment of 'never fully finishing'. So true. I've been maintaing for sometime now. Its as hard as is it easy, does that make sense! I would SO credit your loss to your mental state, sometimes its just that positve attitude that burns the extra calories. The negative feelings hold the stubborn weight. When I 'let go' of the negative feelings after an indulgence day I found myself recouping faster! Happier place indeed! Its believing you can lose more weight, believing you can set new goals, ANY goal and reach for it and actually accomplishing. Its a high! I think a GREAT place for me is when I learned about a 'ceiling weight'. A number, for me, that I knew I never wanted to reach again. I kept moving my goal weight, but I stopped, and liked it more as a ceiling. I am below goal. Yeah! Now, the comments might not ever stop. Or they haven't for me yet, and some are just as painful as they were in the begining. But I like were I am at. I toy w/ other goals now, be it strenght or endurance ones, or food ones. Idk.. its never ending! I am here to help others also, I LOVE THIS PLACE! I gotta run (I had more thoughts, hope to ttyl). Congrats, you are one special Fatsecret member!!  
17 Jan 12 by member: cindyshine

     
 

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