LadyinDenim's Journal, 28 June 2016

When people I don't know well want to touch me, I tell them I think I'm getting a cold. Sometimes I can even summon up a sneeze. I sometimes go with my friend to her church and there's a man there who thinks he has to hug everyone who comes in. As far as he's concerned, I have a permanent cold.  

Awww sweetie, I understand how you feel. Something similar happened to me where someone gave me unsolicited advice despite the fact that I had already lost a ton of weight and the advice was things I already was doing for the most part. I can only imagine how this lady made you feel. At the time, I remember thinking "what is wrong with this person, can't they see I've already made lifestyle changes towards better health?" but then a dear friend pointed out that sometimes people who are so into a particular thing, overlook the fact the others are already pass them. They want so badly to, as you mentioned, "help spread the good word", that they may not see that you already have heard the good word. Anyways, it took a while to accept that, but I finally decided to not let her words get to me because while it was upsetting at the time, it was comforting to know that someone is as passionate about health as I was. Health is a tricky topic to discuss anyways. My co-workers sometimes say things that come across rude, but I try not to get me down. Sometimes I just have to pass off poorly constructed conversations as someone's good intentions that just wasn't executed in a meaningful way for me. You are awesome by the way! I don't have a profession where I have to touch people, but I really dislike it when others invade my space through touch. It's very uncomfortable. You are taking the higher road today! I just wanted to say, if I were in your shoes, I'm not so sure I would have been able to manage not eating my emotions. 

When new people enter a work setting they posture to find their place. Maybe she was overly anxious to fit somewhere with you, having a faster pace with boundaries than you are comfortable with. I know for me I am a slow and steady kind of person and feel uncomfortable when "familiarity" is rushed by someone else with me. It would be okay if you told her how you wish to relate, that if you want physical distance with her for now, or long term. You said that you have no clue, but I think you can use your assets of being honest and willing to share to set the terms of what you want with her. You don't have to speak harshly or rudely, I think you are sensitive, which can go a long way in smoothing out these waters. I have had similar experiences when people and some I spoke to and some I did not....had to figure out the pros and cons, gains and losses, and be comfortable with what I decided. I have recognized that I too was posturing to find my place with them and if they are quick on the draw I feel a bit overwhelmed and not in charge of it....hate loss of control :) Funny how some people who grated me wrong at the start became my friends...eventually. ;) Take care of you. 

We have common views and I suspect we have similar life experiences, which is why she got to me a little. I was asking things like, "What got you interested in holistic health care?" "How long have you been a nurse?" "When did you change your diet?" She was uncomfortable with the questions and nearly choked in hesitation before she gave evasive answers. I did the thing where I answer the question myself, hoping to make her feel more comfortable. "I started nursing in '86." "I became interested in alternate care when I was 18." She never opened up, except to say she has been a nurse since 1981. I figured she is an addict, so I popped up with "I've got 17 years clean and sober August 6." One of her references was to a TED talk "everything we know about addiction is wrong." I certainly need real life friends, and maybe she sensed my neediness, and came back with "patient teaching" type stuff. Aughhh! She has psych experience and probably couldn't help herself. No, I saw MYSELF in HER. Subterfuge, condescension masked as helpfulness, manipulative - you know when you look in a mirror and see things you love and things you dislike? It was like that. She'll be a good addition to the team. Glad we will be on different shifts, though.  

It is a funny thing about touching. Some believe it is a soft way of showing affection, and some like it, and some don't. I was brought up in a very touchy family, but my wife hates it. To me it was what made me, and our family what it was, so I easily embrace it. One thing I will never understand, is how I came up in our family, so different from my sister. Why I am a very gregarious, happy guy, and my sister basically killed herself. It did have something to do with my father being affectionate with me, and most likely not my sister. 

Love your honesty! Subterfuge and condescension are pretty strong references about her and about you though. All about indirect communication and attempts to feel okay...just excess by feeling superior rather than okay as equal. I worked in a treatment setting and know it is hard not to consider others' motivations and traits. Usually we have good explanation (even if not justified) for where we take wrong turns. Hope your next contact with her goes better.  

I get the touching thing. It's hard for me after a day of work to touch people or for them to touch me.The only people I suck it up for are my kids. 

Our family was touchy, and it was good. The extended family included predators, but I was not permitted to reject any touching. This is going back to trauma issues, which I will address today and get some appointments set up for myself. My emotional problems will no longer be feebly corrected by overeating. I am going to recover and live a long, long life ☺ 

I know. Just trying to tell you I'm in the same boat. I have similar past issues. 

There is no hug emoji 😯 

i'm affectionate with my family (lots of hugging!) but i'm in HR so am very conscious of keeping personal space in my professional life. i had a much older (man) friend a number of years ago who always hugged and wanted to kiss me...on the lips! sorry, no thanks, and he was offended when i turned my cheek. some people aren't sensitive to boundaries.  

So sorry about that Denim. It feels so vulnerable to be "taken care of" in the first place and then to be assumed to know nothing and sort of be treated like a child is REALLY hard. But your post shows tremendous awareness in the moment, what a victory that is! My first husband died of Melanoma skin cancer and I watched how the medical professionals treated him based on his physical appearance and it was incredibly hard. I knew the strapping, powerful 6' 2" 225 lb. hard working man he was but they treated him like the weak and frail little old man they saw before them. They had no other frame of reference and I learned I had to be forgiving and not let bitterness take hold. Once someone asked "How old is your father?" Uuuuugh! All we can do is learn from and grow through those experiences and try to not be that person to someone else. Have a GREAT day and rise above it all. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} 

I'm sorry to hear you lost your husband. I can't imagine. Health professionals are really a mixed bag, aren't they? They are just people, after all, but some get that little bit of power, that little bit of authority, and the character defects start to glare. Others were born to it, like beacons of love and light. You just don't know who is coming through that door! 

I hate people touching me.... hate it..... I was able to do my job just fine (worked with the disabled) BUT ... some random even being near me makes my skin crawl  

So, I listened to a podcast I found through an fs member: "The Science of How Our Minds and Our Bodies Converge in the Healing of Trauma" on brainpickings.org. I set up an intake appt. for counseling, but that will be only part of the recovery process. Learning to inhabit my body is the other part. I need to dig up some yoga tapes.  

When someone tries to hug me, touch me, and I do not want to be touched, I tense up, the person gets the message and they withdraw. And, I do not feel guilty. I have my boundaries and I stick to them.  

Talking to me is tolerable. I love to talk about a lot of things. I am a born communicator. But if someone touches me uninvited, something is getting broken. Its an impulse reaction. I don't even know why I have it. My ex wife always wanted to touch my face. I CANT STAND having my face touched. MY face was scalded as a small child by my baby sitter. Evil bastard. Regardless. DO NOT TOUCH unless invited.  

Haha makes me wonder what my boyfriend thinks when I touch his face...i love playing with his beard LOL 

Im sure some dudes love it. If I hadn't been burned I probably would too. For me, my ex KNEW I hated it. And that made her do it even more. Why some people do that crap is just beyond me. 

@knuckles: Right? This is why we say "excuse me" when we bump someone! @Panigale, he probably loves it 🐶