jsfantome's Journal, 28 September 2011

Well, miracles of miracles... the scale just stayed the same. That's a good thing! Especially in light of yesterday's over the top response to stress!!!

And WOW!!!! I feel like dirt this morning! No, not emotionally...physically! Wicked Headache!!!!! Yucky tummy! Just big time 'gross'. Won't be doing that again anytime soon :)

Did a lot of thinking about the 'why'... after all this time - why was my response to major stress to run to comfort myself w/ food? The only real answer I can come up with, is because deep inside - deep where those tapes play over and over in our heads... I wanted to be comforted. I was afraid, and nervous, and anxious, and just a bundle of nerves. And I had access to NO ONE in my world to help me. Husband was working. Favorite Cuz' was unreachable by phone. Local Best Friend was also working. Can't talk to my Mom about any of this. All my kids were off in their own lives (work, school, etc.) - I just felt incredibly alone. And my fallback was the same fallback I have always used... Food.

It really made me kind of sad to realize this. But facing, acknowledging it... and looking for better ways to address this will be part of my PLAN for this new week. (and weeks to come).

I have to learn to satisfy that need for comfort w/ something other than food. Perhaps Music would have been better. No carbs for that, and I love Music! Perhaps the nap BEFORE the decision to go for ice cream... I don't know... but I will keep working towards a healthier emotional state, because I don't like thinking in the worst of times I am still vulerable to just 'caving'.

I don't want to live a life of worry where I may fallback to old ways and end up regaining. I have read way too many people's stories about their repeated 'atkins attempts'... and I know the REPEAT RATE is high. I think it's because people don't change the 6 inches between their ears... not because of the food. Heck, I like eating low carb foods. But my brain tweeked out and wanted to be comforted. It probably produced an abundance of hormones that were screaming at me to meet that need.

I just have to figure out how to satisfy the body's 'need' without FOOD being part of the equation.

Thank you to all of you for supporting me through all of this. What a journey this whole process is for me... and for all of you. We each have our lives, our stories, and some of it is the same, or similiar... some very different (I know that!)... but thank you for supporting me! And if me journaling here in Honesty about what I am going through helps someone else... great! But it sure is helping me.. and I totally appreciate you guys for loving me through this maze of emotion.

Much Love.
146.0 lb Lost so far: 59.0 lb.    Still to go: 11.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
on diet Atkins   steady weight


Paula, your an amazing person..I don't think you have to worry about this one mishap..your not going to cave in so to speak..but look what you have gone through...my gosh just the thought of what it may be and the thought alone is a very scary thing...You have come a long way with your new habits of choice, you have learned so much on this journey.. I'm glad you have FS to vent and share every thing...so glad your in my world...Love ya ... 
28 Sep 11 by member: BHA
How true it is, the 6 inches between the ears, and looking for comfort in the old ways, the ways we are used to. I hear you. I am sorry that you were alone at a time like that. It must have been awful. And probably there are a lot of 'awfuls' for you because I think you have journalled before that you don't have a lot of friends who are near you. I think a lot of us cave to the old way of doing things when faced with crap in our lives. Not a good enough excuse Paula, I also hear that too. I am very guilty of looking for comfort in food. I have folks around I can go to but they don't 'comfort' me in the way that food does. I'll need to think on that, because that's kinda sad too. Sorry you feel yucky but it will help reinforce your resolve not to seek comfort that way again.  
28 Sep 11 by member: sarahsmum
Thanks Bren, and Issy - SO TRUE! Won't be doing that again anytime soon!!!! 
28 Sep 11 by member: jsfantome
I am always amazed at how much insight into your causes and actions you have. I think this is the secret to your success! You don't let anything throw you off your path and you will succeed!! Well done for showing the scales who's boss! :) 
28 Sep 11 by member: LaraStar
Whenever this happens to me I feel yucky the next day too - I call it a sugar hangover. It is our body's way of saying - Don't do this to me ever again!  
28 Sep 11 by member: BuffyBear
Love you guys! Thanks for the support... Off to the gym. I have some pentance to particate in :) 
28 Sep 11 by member: jsfantome
Now, now Paula....You KNOW you can't exercise away any missteps. But you CAN exercise because you want to and it's part of your life and it's good for you. Enjoy the gym and taking care of your body! :) 
28 Sep 11 by member: Sandy701
I think a lot of us who have slipped up feel the same the next morning. I call mine a food hangover and I always regret it. You always have such insight on the whys we do what we do. You really do inspire us to do better for ourselves.  
28 Sep 11 by member: davidsmom
One of the hardest things about food is how much more it means to us besides nutrition. I don't think you can every completely get away from that because it's so culturally ingrained in us. Food IS emotional and our lives are richer because of it. It's always had the ability to bring us together and help us connect with people socially. I'm eating a cup of beef stew that wouldn't have tasted nearly as good before my brain had shifted to reveling in all things "fall." That gets us in trouble when it comes to emotional and stress eating, so the best thing we can do is exactly what you're doing: identify the triggers and find out what you can do to stop them. Or find healthier ways to redirect them. Thankfully, tea and coffee are also comfort foods to me, but it's hard to get yourself in trouble by drinking too much tea! Keep it up- you're doing great! 
28 Sep 11 by member: gnat824
Paula, I don't know what makes us feel worse, the guilt we impose on ourselves or the actual physical responses. Which is worse...yikes, together they are very painfull indeed. You are doing the best thing you can, the only thing you can...you forgive yourself for being human & move on as today is a new day, the first day of the rest of your life. Going to the gym is perfect! 
28 Sep 11 by member: gg-girl
Sorry to hear your not feeling well. I will pray that all goes well with the biopsy. I'm sure it will. Hang in there sweetie.:)HUGS:) 
28 Sep 11 by member: LauPug1
Oh, you ladies, and guys.. are the best! ever!! I'm just keeping my spirits up, and a water bottle in hand to keep my cravings at bay... I will WIN this BATTLE, and this WAR... no doubts! Much Love. 
28 Sep 11 by member: jsfantome
In my eyes, you've won the weight battle and are doing a fabulous job at it too. I know you WILL with this other battle too. Much love sweetie.:)HUGS:) 
28 Sep 11 by member: LauPug1
Paula, I think if this was someone else's journal you would probably say forgive yourself and move on. So that is just what you have to do. This was one slip up and you are moving on you are getting back on track already. It is awful not to have someone you can talk to, I really don't like to let my hubby or children know how I am feeling I like to keep my worries to myself. That is a reason I am grateful I can share on here. I am right there with you Paula you have been through an emotional time. But you are a very strong lady and have done an incredible job, you are a great help to many people on here and share so much. You are only human and are not going to be perfect and never make a slip, so I think you can be forgiven. Sending you {{{HUGS}}} 
28 Sep 11 by member: Yvonne19
Having had much experience in losing and gaining and losing and gaining in my life I must say ... it is complicated. I agree, it is the inner changes that lead to the long term changes. Stress is a trigger neurologically. The old pathways that our brains created, for the majority of many of our lives, still are there even after we have been practicing and building new pathways. It isn't weakness. It isn't slough. It is neurology. With continued practice, kindness, and self care those new pathways strengthen. Great journal entry. And I've already read tomorrows entry so I know you are already feeling better. Take care!! 
29 Sep 11 by member: madaboutmoose


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