jennytheveg's Journal, 09 October 2014

Well, I just haven't done jack since I started this thing, and my weight has gone up over the years. I'm miserable and ugly and now getting old. It's time to try again.

I've always been a little bigger than everyone thought I should be; even in high school, when I had what I'd now consider to be a perfect body, I was always a few pounds more than society appreciated. I started dieting when I was 14 or so, but have never had any sustained success. It bothered me but not much - I'm tall, with a large frame, but an hourglass shape and decent face kept me from worrying about my weight. I never lacked for suitors, and have many encouraging and loving relationships with friends and family. Weight never seemed like an issue important enough to focus on for long.

Now I find myself at 45, severely overweight after a lifetime of laziness. A bad car accident started me on the path to gaining in my 20's, and the scale has climbed due to my own lack of caring and determination. I've started hundreds of diets and tried to change my lifestyle, but I'd always get distracted - and the facts remain that I love cooking, I love food, and I seriously hate exercise. Combine that with a husband who actually loves big women, and the motivation to lose the weight is next to nil.

The things that have changed recently are what have me on this new hunt for health.

- A beloved grandmother died of diabetic-related disease and strokes. It was a miserable death, and taking care of her cost her loved ones dearly.

- I've had to move up yet another size in jeans, and jeans for someone my height are already hard to find.

- Every photo of myself has a miserable double chin and with my terrible posture, I look like a mountain.

- I weigh more than my parents combined, more than any of my friends, and more than most linebackers.

- The most disgusting part of my body, my inner thighs, has now caused me to realize that I will never again wear a swimsuit, and the ONLY exercise I enjoy is swimming!

My fear is that I will lose concentration and hope again, and stop caring, and just keep gaining. So many mindsets could mess me up:

- the permanent damage that's already been done to my body, the stretched out skin, will never be fixed no matter how much I lose.

- I have to give up cooking delicious foods, one of my favorite pastimes.

- My husband means well, and wants me to be healthy, but has terrible favorite pastimes of his own that won't be changing anytime soon. If I want to hang out with him, I'm basically forced to do what he does.

- I'm never going to be young and pretty again no matter what I do.

- What is the point? I don't have kids. I am married. I could just save myself the angst and live how I want, stay in the house and be happy until I die, even if it is early.

So that's what I'm fighting, and maybe I'll win, or maybe I'll do like I've always done and just float along until this life is over. Right now, I want to be healthy. I want to stop being sick all the time, to stop closing my eyes whenever I get near a mirror, to stop the intense self-hatred whenever I see a picture of myself, to stop dreading social events. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. That's just not always enough when in general, I'm happy. All I can do is hope, and try.
311.0 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 136.0 lb.    Diet followed N/A.

Diet Calendar Entries for 09 October 2014:
1589 kcal Fat: 47.49g | Prot: 77.00g | Carb: 216.45g.   Breakfast: Great Value Half & Half, Breakstone's Cottage Doubles Lowfat Cottage Cheese & Pineapple, Nabisco Belvita Blueberry Breakfast Biscuits, Coffee. Lunch: Smart Ones Classic Favorites Fettucini Alfredo, Gala Apples, Light Italian-Style Wedding Soup. Dinner: Beef Chuck (Arm Pot Roast, Lean Only, Trimmed to 1/8" Fat, Select Grade), Roasted Potato, Carrots, Jell-O Sugar Free Dark Chocolate Pudding Snack. Snacks/Other: Cucumber (with Peel), Newman's Own Three Cheese Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing, Banana. more...
4098 kcal Activities & Exercise: Walking (exercise) - 3.5/mph - 10 minutes, Desk Work - 8 hours, Resting - 7 hours and 50 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours. more...
on diet jennytheveg's own diet   gaining 0.3 lb a week

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Comments 
We are all our own worst critics! !! Best of luck to you 
09 Oct 14 by member: echotech72
Thank you, Echotech72! I wish you the best of luck as well. :) 
09 Oct 14 by member: jennytheveg
Good Luck on your new start :) 
09 Oct 14 by member: Chillie Willie
Jenny, I would just like to say that i understand you feeling that way. That is EXACTLY the way i felt when i started the new way of eating back in April. I've come to realize since then, that feelings affect us in very powerful ways. I've learned that feelings are just that. Feelings. They carry no weight (excuse the pun)...they just ARE. Just because you feel a certain way, doesn't mean it is true. Truth is a tangible thing. The Truth is....you see that you aren't happy with the way you are and you are looking for a way to change that. That's truth. You might feel scared about it, or mad aboutir, but it doesn't alter the truth. Experience the feelings, but believe the truth. I know that if you release yourself from being stuck "feeling" you can achieve your truth. Which is that you want to be a healthy, happy, person. 
09 Oct 14 by member: SkinnyMinny1127
I agree with Echo.. we are our worst critics! I was at the same place in April when I started this journey of weight loss...and well after all of the weight loss, I still feel fat and ugly.. but I know that I am in a physical better place (even though my knees are saying that I am lying! lol) You can do this.. hang in there, stick with your plan,.. and record your foods.. record record record! 
09 Oct 14 by member: hoosier436
and Good luck 
09 Oct 14 by member: hoosier436
Thanks you guys! I needed that boost. :) 
09 Oct 14 by member: jennytheveg

     
 

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