yduj57's Journal, 13 September 2014

Up and down a pound or two for about 5 weeks. Can you say plateau?
Investigating options to see what might cause a downward trend again.

Stress has a been a huge factor in my struggles with weight in the last year. My daughter has been struggling with severe depression and anxiety, made worse with an eating disorder that developed when she was away from home last summer. And she was diagnosed on the autism spectrum this past fall. All of these diagnoses reinforce each other in a terrible tangled mess. She has had a full hospitalization, two partial hospitalizations, and several inpatient programs. Plus doctor's visits, therapist, psychiatrist, and more. The eating disorder is better, but still a challenge. And we thought, after some serious problems with various medications, we had finally found a good balance. The depression seemed to finally lift, and the anxiety was more manageable.

But we are actually living in a game of whackamole. She now has been diagnosed with POTS. Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I suspect she has had it for a long time, but the meds she is taking, are actually making the POTS worse. When it is at it's worse, her blood pressure drops to very, very low levels, and her heart rate is very fast and sometimes irregular. Even when she is resting. When she stands up her BP drops, and her heart rate accelerates. There are a number of experts in the area on this syndrome, but the wait list to see them is several months long. In the meantime we are trying to tweak meds, without triggering the depression too much.

I have become her caretaker over the last year. I am her cook and chauffeur. I am her primary companion because most of her friendships struggled under the weight of her struggles, and now most of those friends are off at college now. She is 18, almost 19. Graduated from high school this June, in spite of all the health issues. She is taking a gap year before attending college. I am not able to do my work (oil painting), but still have the expense of my studio. I get there occasionally, but it is difficult to really get into the work when I am painting so infrequently.

I know when we first started battling the eating disorder I struggled with the sweets that were around the house more as we worked to help her regain some weight. Now I can manage any temptation they might have posed. I no longer want to eat those foods. She is required to have dessert every day on her meal plan, plus lots of grains...9 servings a day. And, she is a vegetarian. So we are eating in completely different ways. Her way of eating makes me very unhealthy. So at each meal, I make two completely different meals. Plus her 2 or 3 required snacks. But I have to be careful that my eating does not trigger her. There are landmines around food scattered all through our day.

I am tired. I am worn out by the everyday demands of this. I know that it is not much compared to the burdens some carry, but it is not the year I expected. Actually, I was supposed to be away at an artist residency this month, while she started college. That has been delayed as well. May ultimately have to be cancelled because I don't see how I am going to pay for it. The medical expenses have been crazy.

This feels whiny. Sorry. Just needed to get it out. I am in a better place now than just a few months ago. My eating is back on track. I am exercising vigorously on a regular basis. I just wish the weight of all of this would be lifted, physically and emotionally.

281.0 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 81.0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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408 kcal

Fat: 48.06g | Prot: 0.36g | Carb: 0.00g.   Breakfast: Bulletproof Upgraded Cacao Butter, Purity Farms Organic Ghee Clarified Butter, Now Foods MCT Oil, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds). more...