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Just like the sun rising in the east, Monday arrives again. Sorta Sister woke me with a phone call this morning. I may have to shift some hours in the shop and unplug the phone because she had the nerve to phone at 8:30! Who in the world phones that early!
Kidding about that; I've just had the trifecta of crappy sleeping and had probably finally settled to slumber about 2 hours before. I don't know what's going on; I'm doing all the things I know to do. So today, again, I feel hungover but at least not a Grands Cinnamon Roll induced food coma.
However, I did log 5 miles this weekend with two sessions on the treadmill. ON A WEEKEND no less! And on top of that I walked the Ikea with Grace on Saturday for over three hours wearing four inch heels so that was quite a workout on the creaky old knees.
I've gained weight. I won't step on the scale to make my thoughts about it worse by seeing an arbitrary number. I know it from the way my clothes are fitting so I'm back to recording food for a while and see what's going on. Of course, this decision arrived the same weekend BCF brought me 'chocolate coated potato chips' from Florida. Seriously.
I've had a couple (and they are FABULOUS) but didn't let myself rationalize the 'go ahead, eat 'em all and get it over with' way I would have in the past. They're in the fridge and were hidden behind the spinach until I used it last night in my soup. I guess I'll hide the box behind the Apple Cider Vinegar because I'm not drinking that. It's just not working. Diluted, lemon juice added, crystal light, nothing. Nothing hides that 'blech' flavor and I will just try it in my next tub bath as I understand it's really good for that. Except, I really HATE the smell of vinegar. I'll probably just discard it.
So I'll log the extra 5lbs as the clothes are tight but still fit; I remember someone telling me each 'sizing' represented 10lbs. Give or take. I'm sure that varies when converting fat to muscle. Doesn't matter. All that matters is I am aware of it, admitting it, and addressing it now at what I feel is 5lbs instead of waiting until it become 50lbs. Doing my best to not repeat the past where I say 'hey, you can give yourself a break.. you've already lost 100lbs.. 5 won't hurt ya.'
I had one of those 'ahh, what a struggle this can be' moments Saturday while at Ikea. Grace had been SO excited to take me there and tell me it was 'an all day affair ...' and granted .. six months ago it may have been and six months from now it may be. But right now, my house, my home.. it feels 'done'. I have everything I need, my walls are covered with art accumulated from retail to yard sale to self made. I have plenty of dishes and flatware and pots. Plenty of everything.
Why can't I look at food and do that? WILL that moment come and STAY????? I've had it. I've had it cooking my meals ... probably a few months ago.. thinking 'sure, calorically I can have all of THIS and not exceed my RDI but if I do it would make me feel over full and I wouldn't enjoy the meal afterward.
Always with the food. I can 'not' buy cigarettes, liquor or candy. I can leave those things on the shelf. But I must buy and consume food to stay alive.
I think this is where one of my dear friends was a while back and I gave the newbie lecture about 'don't give up... please... listen to me.. I know of what I speak' blahditty blah blah comment on her journal.
I was new to this most recent of weight loss adventures and still had that 'spark'. I was losing weight day after day and the motivation was there. Even when I hit plateaus for a while I knew I still had weight to lose so I just gritted my teeth and hung on the wagon.
So where did this get all screwed up? I reread my initial profile (as reminded by someone recently) and yeah, I did right 'it may take longer to do this right' and ... well.. it IS taking longer. And I need to not head back in the opposite direction because of a one year stall while I'm trying to keep my wits about me with everything else going on.
But where I am right now, what brought up the memory of my naive comment that time was my friend had commented she was sick of thinking about food. This was when I was just rediscovering 'real food' and how much better it tasted without the chemicals of processed food numbing my taste buds.
But today... yeah... I would really like to just go on one of those '3 shakes a day' type eating regimes for a month. Hold the lectures, please. I'm just tired of thinking about it. I would love to know that every shake I drink has the important protein and nutrients I need. And just enjoy water (and coffee of course) in between. No more thought. No need to resist any thing or measure or wonder. No need to think about 'am I hungry, what am I hungry for, and what do I have?' Just add water and stir.
I think that's why I always find myself hypnotized by the Joe Cross juicing movie esp when he juiced a basket full of veggies into one glass. All those vitamins without the 'stuffing'. Would I feel better? Worse? Different?
I was thinking about this yesterday while out with BCF. She was driving (a very much enjoyed rarity for me) and I was able to just sit, feel, and stare out the window. I began thinking of how I feel 'in limbo' right now. I try to HARD to LOVE my day, every day, and I do ... I do I do I do pray gratitude for my life, for all that I'm given. But I feel purposeless.
Yes, I cast about for ideas. Things I COULD be doing. I try to amuse and occupy my mind and body and it reacts with all the enthusiasm of a recalcitrant child. "Nah.. no.. I'm bored.. no I don't want THAT... uh uh.. what else ya got?'
I think food and eating and planning and shopping and cooking and slicing and chewing gets all churned into that. I feel stuck. When I reread my journals... I realize I'm anything 'but' stuck. But day to day .. it fees.. surreal and like my feet are in mud. You either recognize the same feeling or not.
I'm even lost here so I'll shut up now. Thank you for visiting with me.
Bella
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185.0 lb
Lost so far: 100.0 lb.
Still to go: 5.0 lb.
Diet followed 100%.
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Diet Calendar Entry for 14 July 2014:
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2481 kcal
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Fat: 121.27g | Prot: 122.28g | Carb: 235.95g.
Breakfast: Grapefruit, Apples, Central Market Ground Flax Seed, Smucker's Cherry Preserves, Smart Balance Omega Buttery Spread, Quaker Old Fashioned Oats, Trader Joe's Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips, Sabra Roasted Red Pepper Hummus, Ryvita Dark Rye Crackers, Mezzetta Grilled Artichokes, StarKist Foods Chunk Light Tuna in Water, Chicken Tortellini Soup, Spectrum Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Butter-Margarine Blend (Unsalted, Stick), Coffee-Mate French Vanilla Liquid Coffee Creamer. more...
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gaining 5.8 lb a week
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 Comments
I think we all get the feeling of "stuck" from time to time. Personally my day is so structured, so hectic, and so non-stop work that I feel stuck sometimes. Probably not the same stuck as your stuck but still stuck. I wonder where all those things I loved doing went. Someone somewhere during something I was reading or listening too.. I can't remember at this point.. asked the question. If today was your last day on earth what would you regret not doing? Sometimes it's not something you can actually do but maybe it leads to something. Say you're going to regret not being a famous singer but you can't sing. What is it about famous singers that you want? Whatever that is.. try to go for it. It's suppose to help you feel less stuck or less fulfilled. I was going to try this.. but I got too busy and forgot until your journal. lol
14 Jul 14 by member: Ms Elizabeth
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I completely identify with the feeling of be stuck. Mine is because I have so much I have not done or accomplished. Have you pinpointed what is eating you? Maybe getting back into a routine will help get your thoughts focused. I like where you are when it comes to how you eat. You enjoy your food. Sometimes you practice moderation and sometimes you a have bit extra of the things you want. You don’t punish yourself and you seem to stay aware of finding that balance. I'm proud of you for acknowledging those 5lbs before they became 50lb. You are in control of your journey. I hope you get really good sleep tonight. That will help so much. Sending you a hug, buddy.
14 Jul 14 by member: ChicaLean
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It sounds to me like you're in a rut. You've been a caretaker for so long, so you didn't questions what your life was about. It sounds like you need a 'baby'. A project, a new line of work, a passion to go about and give you drive. A challenge! DFW is on to something questioning what would you do if this were the last day of your life. But I've felt like that too. Wondering if I'm just on this earth to pay bills and support an economic system. Where's the fun I use to have? Where's the hilarity? I usually try to find a good movie that'll make me laugh. It helps to change the mood. Little things done often.
14 Jul 14 by member: NowIunderstand
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Hi Bells. I hear you on the 3 shakes a day. It does get to you, this constant vigilance, awareness, being on guard. It's tiring. Add to that your current grief state - sigh - I sound like a broken record when I say I hear you but have no answers. You know I'm struggling with this food/diet thing too. But this too shall pass. We will find our mojo again. Our spark. Keep the faith. :).
14 Jul 14 by member: sarahsmum
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Can't someone just create a pill that would give us every nutrient that we need and then our life would be simple? Our decision would be what beverage we want to wash down the pill. @sarahsmum - you said what I was thinking. Actually, everyone said what I was thinking. Great journal and great replies.
14 Jul 14 by member: Deb_N
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Service is good for me when in a rut. But anonymous service, like a soup kitchen or sending flowers or a card for no reason at all to a shut-in. It gets my mind off me and on the world at large. I deeply appreciate that you share all of your journey here. I hope you love you a little more each day. Remember: regardless of what the day brings...you bring beautiful you to the day.
14 Jul 14 by member: Sweet Ce
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@DEb / Look up Soylent food. That's what that is. Not a pill but a liquid intented exactly to replace food.
15 Jul 14 by member: NowIunderstand
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Had not heard of Soylent food! That looks exactly like a shake. hahaha That name reminded me of the "Soylent Green" movie with Charlton Heston.
15 Jul 14 by member: Deb_N
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I think that's where they came up with the name. But I think Soylent Green was a shake made of people... lol
15 Jul 14 by member: NowIunderstand
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@DFW - Good idea ..I've tried that and it's why I feel so frustrated. I feel like I am wasting this precious time.. have most of my life... why/when do I feel fulfilled and satisfied with what I'm doing, have done? @ Chica - you're right, I don't punish myself over food anymore because I have far too long and look where it's gotten me. But I did learn from some folks here, folks I thought were crazy to sweat that 5lbs, that this is where it can be more manageable. Maybe. @NIU - yep, RUT. I often questioned what my life was about with the 'if there's anything left of me when the care taking ends what will I do with it?' and I just ... I am SO Very grateful for what I have.. but where IS the hilarity?
@Isabel - it's good to just be heard although I feel bad knowing other people understand me so well when it's because they too feel the same. Sad but comforting. @Ce - I actually do that; I'm the person holding the door for strangers; telling them they look great in that blouse or I love their hair or shoes... things I stare at them and deduce which they are paying the most attention to themselves..makes them smile. My day brings me beauty ~ I think that's why I feel such guilt right now. @ Deb & NIU - I looked up soylent and part of me things 'yeah, that's the ticket' and the other part thinks 'OMG.. this definitely violates the 'never eat anything with more than 5 ingredients I can't pronounce' rule I made for myself. It's crazy because I know our 'real food' is nutritionally deficit and I think about the supplements I take now just trying to get enough B/C/D and the rest of the alphabet but this just seems like asking for trouble. What though if it's the answer? What if this is what our bodies have morphed to over all these years with the GMOD products? Or is the juicing the idea... just load up a bushel of veggies and warm up the blender. There has to be something.
15 Jul 14 by member: FullaBella
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I'm here Bella, been pondering over this one for a few days. I often feel stuck, my life revolves around making sure everyone else's life is going smoothly and I often wonder what's in it for me. I know that probably doesn't relate to the way you feel stuck, but stuck is stuck, right? It is a lot of work to always be thinking about food. And sometimes on the weekends I don't. I just eat, and try to be mindful. I can definitely see the appeal of a three shakes a day diet, it's simple. But lord, what would you do with all of your new found free time? lol It would never work for me because I still have to feed everyone else. However, maybe you should try it. Is the grass really greener on the other side? Only one way to find out. I think you will find that you would rather be worrying about food than living without it. I know I would drink all my shakes by noon then eat a whole days worth of calories too lol. In my opinion juicing is no good. Most of the good stuff is in the pump of fruits and veggies, not to mention all of the fiber that slows the digestion of all those natural sugars. A shot of juice is pretty much just a shot of sugar, hold the important stuff. My mom got me a juicer because she knows I'm trying to be healthy, luckily it was just something she got cheap at a garage sale because it went straight to the back of my closet. I might bust it out come margarita time, but i'll never use it other than that. Okay, this is a long rambling comment lol. Have a good day, Bella!
16 Jul 14 by member: Annabelle3117
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I have thought about those nutribullet blenders though, it blends the whole fruit to smoothie status.... okay I'm really done now :)
16 Jul 14 by member: Annabelle3117
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Thanks Yo - I think I basically feel the same. I've always concluded when I have tasted the blended juices at tasters (like Whole Foods) that - 'sure it tastes good but yeah it's a cup of fresh fruit aka sugar so why wouldn't it'. I like the Odwalla's now and then but same thing .. some 26grams of sugar in a serving. I'm like the energizer bunny when I have one and get a lot done but the sugar crash after is a little telling. I've tried just juicing veggies w/o the sugar and it always ends up tasting like the lawn because of the spinach. I'll keep trying and thinking about it but when or if I do it's going to be natural or not at all. I can't see climbing on the 'processed endless lists of mono-glycate-blahblah things I can't pronounce.' I think that would be totally in the wrong direction right now. I really think I'd like to get some sort of 'shake' ... as long as it's fresh and unprocessed... I'm still open to ideas.
16 Jul 14 by member: FullaBella
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I don't think you will find a fresh unprocessed shake that doesn't taste like the lawn. I often fantasize about buying a nutribullet and making my own breakfast smoothies though. I imagine that it will have berries, and veggies and maybe some tofu for protein. I also imagine that it will be delicious... but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't lol. I don't eat a lot of fresh fruits and veggies, I have been so concerned with fats, carbs, and proteins that they're all I worry about. I recognize the error of my ways, but I don't have a lot of extra money to run out and buy produce. I think I will make it a goal of mine to try and get some fruit and veggie servings in. Maybe as a snack at night instead of yogurt.
16 Jul 14 by member: Annabelle3117
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