kingkeld's Journal, 20 March 2014

Good morning!

It's another heavy weigh-in day.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY didn't want to weigh in today. Trust me. I feel awful. I feel ashamed. I feel physically bad.

I'm heavy. WAY too heavy.

It's not like I don't know what the issue is.

I'm stressing badly, still. I don't sleep all that well at night, even though it IS a little better, and I have too many things bugging me.

Finally, there will be an end to it soon.

Today is the day I have been stressing about, I think. Or, at least one of them.

I have an extremely uncomfortable meeting coming up today. It's a meeting with HR and my leader from the job that has let me go. It's a meeting where we're gonna talk about the way I have been treated, versus the way they see things.

It's not a question of whether I get my job back or not. That thing is done and over with. It's a matter of hammering out the details of my leave from it.

There are so many factors in this. I'm glad I have my union behind me. They are the ones who will run the show for me, and it's like unleashing a pack of Rottweilers. Oh, how I like them. :)

I know they will fight hard for my interests.

There has been daily comunication with them this week, getting all information to them, and arranging what to do. And it stresses me like crazy.

I haven't gotten into the candy much from the stress, but I have severely over-eaten, not cared much about it, and just been busy hanging on to my sanity.

Hopefully, today will see an end to that.

...

Again, I really didn't want to register this weight, but I choose to do so anyways. If I don't, then I won't see myself as being honest and I won't stay accountable. This is essential if I want to bounce back.

And bounce back I will.

Hopefully, getting past the meeting today will help me focus on other things and not just spend time being mentally exhausted and scared of the outcome of the meeting.

I'm confident that the meeting will bring SOME good things to me. I know it will. But I am also afraid that it will be an ugly battle getting there.

...

At the same time, the whole work mess sends ripples through my other activities. While I'm on sick leave - out sick because of stress - I can't do other work either. I can't teach. I can't work at the gym. I have people eagerly waiting for me to come back. That stresses me.

...

I can't wait to get all this crap sorted out. I can't wait to be able to move forward. I can't wait to be ready for all that. I am sick and tired of being stuck, of stressing, of gaining weight.

...

There. Got all that crap off my chest.

...

Now, the good part of it.

My weight might be up severely. That is obviously bad. That is obviously what I need to fix.

That being said, I see that a LOT of the weight is simply fluid. I know that once I start doing better, that will shed fast.

I can't let that comfort me too much, because OBVIOUSLY there was been quite a fat gain too.

I can, however, handle losing it all again. I know what to do. I just have to stick to my plan.

The plan is not hard at all. I have PLENTY of calories, and I can essentially eat what I want within those limits, within the macros. That is the beauty of it all.

As many of you know, it's a lot easier said than done when your head isn't in it. My heart is there all the way, but my head keeps messing it up.

Still, I'm not giving up. It doesn't matter how many times I feel like I'm pushed back to square one, I will keep going. I know I can do this. I've done it already. This is a minor adjustment still.

So, off we go.

I have diligently entered a rough estimate of my calorie intake yesterday into my spreadsheet, so the damage is evened out over the next month. It gives me quite a punishment, more than 100 calories less per day, but so be it. I still have enough that I can eat enough to be happy and satisfied.

Also, I can just choose to walk off the 100+ calories instead of consuming less. This too will even out if/when I do.

That being said, I'm actually happy NOT doing excessive walks. I'm never avoiding a walk. I'm not scared to walking to and from things. I walk to everything that is within my reach. I just don't do the hour-long walks constantly.

And still, yesterday my fitbit registered 15,000 steps. It's not really all that much of a difference, and the change in estimated calorie burn is minimal.

...

So, today's plan - weight loss wise - is to do my best. I have my day planned out, and I will do my best to stick to plan.

I have reasonable dinner planned. Lean ground beef with flour tortillas and salad. Kind of a taco thing, but not. It's gonna cost me about 500 of my 2500 allowed calories. It's all good.

I'm meeting with a good friend - the photographer - for lunch. I have a couple of things to talk to him about - things I need done soon. We're gonna have sushi for lunch - his treat - so I need to fit that in too.

Registering "generic sushi", it will cost me about 500 calories too.

Other than this, I need quite a bit of protein. That will be in the kilo of SKYR that I'll be having through the day. :)

I like SKYR a lot. I actually bought 6 kilos(!) of it yesterday. I pretty much emptied the shelf at the supermarket because it was on sale, 30% off. It's a good deal on something that I use, and that can keep for a couple of weeks. Save the money when you can, right? :)

Post-dinner snack will be more SKYR. Yeah, it's a LOT today, but it's needed to get my protein in. I'm actually still a little low on fats, so I gotta work that one out. I'm not sure how, with the food I see in my schedule today.

My go-to solution for extra fat with not too much protein is usually chocolate. I really don't want to get into the chocolate today. I think it'll be a bad move. If I do, then it'd have to be late evening, so it doesn't trigger the carb monster and let that run crazy. Let's not do that. I've had PLENTY of that lately.

I think I'll simply settle with being slightly low on fat today. I had so much fat yesterday that it shouldn't be an issue at all. :)

My macros are perfect, other than missing 15g of fat - and I come out of the day having used 2000 of my 2500 allowed calories. If I stay with my estimated calorie burn - 2940 calories based on my averages from the last week - then I'm at the max deficit my body can handle without losing muscle too. It's gonna be a good day.

...

I will remember to bring a snack to the meeting too. I know I might need something. I'll bring an apple or two. There are usually coffee, water and cookies there, and I do not want anything that has sugar. Not today, thank you very much. An apple will do just fine.

I think I'll simply pre-register two apples, just to have taken it into account already.

...

Yesterday, I think I really registered how much I have been running in circles.

It occured to me that I didn't even remember to brag about the magazine spread I was in this monday.

That's right.

Some of you might have seen that I posted it in the community forum. But I think I should share it here too.

For the most of it, I'm gonna let the posting over there do the talking. But of course, I gotta put a little teaser here too. :)



...

So, today will be spent waiting for lunch time, basically.

I have nothing much to do, but sit around and speculate.

I think I will spend some of the time walking. Just walking. I know, I just said that I don't want to do excessive walking, but I think today it will help me clear my head. I'm really looking forward to my friend coming over, we have things to talk about and it's always fun. It's a good way to de-stress before the damn meeting.

And if I DO get to burn a couple of hundred extra calories today, then I'm sure my body won't mind. I'm sure I have PLENTY of extra calories from yesterday that my muscles won't be jeopardized. :)

...

Today, I'm thankful for:
- Seeing an end to all the crap, hopefully.
- Wife. She's such an amazing support.
- Morning coffee after a sleepless night.
- Unions. I don't know how anyone does without them. Mine is the BEST.
- A well planned day, in regards to meals and calories (and everything else, too...) Planning is key for my sanity right now.

Have a great Thursday. Life is good!
205.3 lb Lost so far: 136.5 lb.    Still to go: 17.9 lb.    Diet followed poorly.
on diet kingkeld's own diet   gaining 35.5 lb a week

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Comments 
although work plays a lot in the way we seeing ourselves don't let an employer damage you too the point you damage yourself. Take pride in your values and ethics and pat yourself for the job you have done regardless of how anyone else states. As you say the employer employee relationship is over well now it is time to find the "faithful and true love" of you working career!! 
20 Mar 14 by member: Abbytown
Thank you, Abbytown. You are of course 100% right. I know that a better life is ahead of me. :) 
20 Mar 14 by member: kingkeld
Stress is horrible. Likely you'll feel the weight of the world fall off your shoulders after that meeting. I'm sure it will go well for you. Well, as well as those things can go. Losing a job is rough. Keeping your self-respect is important. You'll bounce back from all of this. Somehow we all survive and figure it out as we go. Sometimes it's hard to swallow, but growth is ahead if we allow it. Take care.  
20 Mar 14 by member: northernmusician
i'll think of you today, my friend. "Who let the dogs out?" "Go kill, maggie!" (Rambo) 
20 Mar 14 by member: puhpine
Initially we feel the stress and pain but later one gets used to it . As the saying says ' no-one gets more than one deserves whether it is good or whether it is bad '. Maybe this is gods way of showing that you deserve better . Be positive and take care of your health 
20 Mar 14 by member: namramn1
Thinking about you today. Hope the meeting goes well for you... The sooner this chapter of your life ends the better, so you can move on to more exciting and fulfilling chapters xxx 
20 Mar 14 by member: Sk1nnyfuture
I guess I missed that you lost your job. I am so sorry Keld, that is a major stressor, and having to continually fight for your rights, is stressful. Thank goodness you have a good union behind you. I'm sorry your weight is all over the place. You know what to do, and you will do it. Good luck today. 
20 Mar 14 by member: sarahsmum
Your in our thought's and prayers today, and hopefully the stress with wither away soon. 
20 Mar 14 by member: SherrieC
Thankful that you have a good union behind you. Let them do their work and just let the rest go (easier said than done), but I'm just hoping you can put this behind you and be able to get on with your life. It's not how often we get knocked down, but how often we get up and I know you will get back up! Sending warm thoughts your way and wishing you good luck! 
20 Mar 14 by member: Lynn1958

     
 

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