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Yesterday was the first day in two weeks (since my sister died) that I had no wine. I was feeling I deserved it, and I still do feel that way but I just keep gaining a little every day. I was back and forth at 127 for a very long time, when I broke it maybe it was a fluke. I need to lose for a challenge I am in, so am choosing the better thing for a while.
I had been looking around Youtube about siblings dying and stumbled upon a DoctorRamani video of something like “When the Narcissist in your life dies”. Since my sister was so abusive it appealed to me. What a treasure Dr. Ramani is. Why didn't I learn these things many, many years ago. There are others on Youtube talking about how to treat Narcissists but I like that she advocates not challenging them: safer, physically and emotionally. Even though I am old, I want to learn to protect my heart and inner being.
Yesterday my husband disrespected me, big time. I wrote it all out but decided I could forgo all the little details. I just walked away without saying anything. That was a victory for me. Yes, inside I did have a little "rise" but I think walking away was right for me, and it is the direction I want to go. I don't remember if I wrote about it or not but when he was yelling at me 2 1/2 months ago I tried walking away and he grabbed me by my clothing at my neck and twisted/threw me around a little. For sure he looked like he was going to hit me but didn't. Then he gave me the cold shoulder for 2 months. He will be 85 this month with many health problems so there is no way I can leave him, but I need to learn to protect my sanity (and essence). There's no telling how much he will punish me as I try to be kind but not such a carpet, because he gets furious when he wants something, but I walk away if he's yelling. I'm preparing myself to drive away for an hour or two if need be. Maybe this old dog (me) “can” learn new tricks. Dr. Ramani says they will never change. I can't expect that, or even hope for it anymore. In one way it is losing hope, but in another way, maybe I can regain my sanity, dignity, grace, and quiet. I was logically trying to reason with him for years. She's right, it just brings more abuse down on our heads. But I have no idea how much I will suffer for it. Also I don't know how to balance it with the Bible. Please pray I will be sensitive to the Lord. I want so to do the right thing.
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127.2 lb
Lost so far: 0 lb.
Still to go: 14.2 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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gaining 2.4 lb a week
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 Comments
none my business, but u did share.
Please reach out for help! a priest, his Dr. someone that can help you, idc how old he is - abuse is not acceptable!
02 Mar 21 by member: kim.sager
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Never to old to learn new ways to protect yourself. Your husband must realize that he needs you, which evidently angers him to not be totally independent. Which leaves you caught in the middle. If he yells walk away, if he puts his hands on you call 911. Hugs to you!! As for balancing with the Bible, I've expressed my opinion about that before, but it's been a long time. Husbands are told to love their wives like Christ loves the Church. Your husband is failing in this.
03 Mar 21 by member: rhontique
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It's so hard. The Bible would not deny your need to protect yourself. Your husband is lucky that you are willing to take care of him, and your dignity lies in the fact that you are a better human being than he is. You know that his verbal abuse has nothing to do with your worth as a woman and a human being. I'm glad you are not being a carpet.
03 Mar 21 by member: metamora
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Thank you all for your good wishes and support. @Metamora, at this late date in my life I hope to learn and slowly grow in strength to not be a carpet, but frankly, I have been a carpet all my life. @rhontique I hope I can learn. My husband is not a Christian so he has no desire to love me like Christ loves the church. I so appreciate your wish that he did. However, I don't think his failure would give me the freedom to disregard the Lord's directions to me. It is a hard balance to try to be the person the Lord would have me be and still protect myself. I really don't know that balance. I throw myself on the Lord's mercy that He accepts me since I have asked Jesus to come into my heart and be my Lord, and that I am sorry for those things I do wrong, called sins or missing the mark.
04 Mar 21 by member: Snowwhite100
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I understand after so many years you are unwilling to exit your marriage. I've been married 52 years myself, but fortunately I couldn't ask for a husband to be better to me than the one I have. He is not a Christian either, which is my only regret in my choice. I've tried to convince him he is mistaken about the existence of God. I wish your husband realized how lucky he is to have a wife devoted to taking care of him. I just beg you to protect yourself from physical abuse, that is dangerous!! THe mental abuse probably hurts worse, but at least it won't kill you. Hugs!!
05 Mar 21 by member: rhontique
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