KayBuckaroo's Journal, 20 February 2021

I have such a strong feeling that I am going to deliver early again. I’m fighting the terror and the anxiety. Let go, and let god. I’m not stress eating! I’ve gained a total of 20 pounds this pregnancy and I’m within 2 pounds of what I weighed when I delivered my daughter 18months ago.

History:
This is my 4th baby and I’ve gained successively less weight with each pregnancy. But I gained over 180 pounds with my first, who turned 18 today actually.

I lost that weight plus some and struggled for a decade with bulimia & anorexia.

My 2nd pregnancy was really the first time I had practiced recovery for the first time. I wanted to be pregnant, I was willing to do anything. And that’s what I did. I gained 80 pounds, and man I STRUGGLED. That 80 pounds was a GD victory. My 2nd son is 7 years old and I have 8 years of ED recovery as well.

But fast forward to this last pregnancy. My daughter, 60 pounds gained. I was EMPOWERED. I felt like a goddess.

And now, with my last pregnancy, my current pregnancy, I’m close to 8 months pregnant and my weight gain is 20 pounds.

I’m telling you all this because it is my victory. Yes it’s possible. Yes people do recover and live normal lives and have healthy relationships with food and exercise. I never knew I was so strong until I had to be.

What about how I look makes me a big girl? my BMI is a 33. BMI before pregnancy was a 30 (30 and up is officially “obese.”) And I don’t 100% disagree with this about my weight at 210 at 5’10 is too high but obese? Come on.

If I can manage to maintain my current weight for the next 6 - 7 weeks I will be thinny minny when I have this baby. I’m just about able to see the finish line. I’m in the homestretch. Picture Rocky’s theme song playing while I am jogging with a towel around my neck!

I have a terrible case of constant nausea and vomiting and I have managed to still gain 20 pounds. Most women with Hyperemesis lose weight, get IV fluids, have a picc line. Not me! I’m uncomfortable and I’m lethargic but I’m not vomiting be it more than every other day. Thank you, Zofran.

Well my catharsis is also about being a person that is seeing a socially unacceptable to ever admit you weigh over 200 pounds and you are HAPPY?! (Sarcasm) How DARE YOU.

Yes. I’m about being BBW. I’m proud. But I’m not sure how much longer I will have my curves because it’s only natural to lose weight after pregnancy. I’m REALLY looking forward to enjoying more food than I do now when this nasty nausea is gone. But I am in a really good place with my body and my eating habits. I don’t see that changing anytime so I’m just going to have to wait and see what my body does to “self level “. I’ve been really thin/toned and still weighed ABOVE the recommended weight range per BMI! I’m not kidding, I was a total stick. At 173 pounds. Doctors said 130 - 170 was acceptable. ...(what the hell?) That’s over 60 pounds I’d have to lose after my baby boy is delivered.

I can do it. I’ve done it before, that much I will tell you. But I’m doing it all the same way, the right way. Not the ED self-punishment that is my past. I’m gentle, slow, intentional. I listen to my body. I consider that my own opinion is wrong just because I have had severe body dysmorphia for several decades. (But the articles all say I’m obese, and I’m unhealthy?)

I’m not the only one who has felt so sexy and empowered at 200 +. There’s a whole lot of us and we dominate hashtags like #200club. You’re in for a treat if you google the models online sporting the weighty curves. It’s definitely an acceptable LOOK, but I’m taking issue with the medical community claiming we’re overweight or obese!

Why such ugly labels. Let’s just not use that language. I’m not unhealthy because I’m 230 pounds. No one is doing me a favor by encouraging me to lose weight “ for my health.”
My health is great. My BPBis usually 120/68 (lower even yet when not pregnant!) My cholesterol is perfect. I don’t take any controlled substances and I don’t smoke cigarettes. Aside from the punishment I put on my own self, I’ve never been really unwell. Why do I have to kill myself to fit the standards I’m told I’m outside of?

My husband is not a bad guy. He’s not insensitive at ALL. But he’s had to put his foot in his mouth for his recent remark. “You’ll get back there “ in reference to the weight I was at when we met. I believe I was debating about my old clothes and whether to keep them. “Gosh I hope not, that was a miserable experience for dieting that strictly.” (Silence) “Oh.” But I was at my recommended weight! My BMI was perfect! I was starving.

I don’t want to go back there again. Punishment. I’d rather intermittently fast from food for 3, 4 hours and then eat a well thought out meal that will last another 3 hours. I like food. I want to eat. And I’m just going to have to accept that my weight is not going to be in the “recommended range “. But that doesn’t mean I’m not healthy. I exonerate anyone who is labeled with obesity and who is not unwell.




















230.6 lb Lost so far: 11.4 lb.    Still to go: 65.6 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.
steady weight

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Comments 
Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy Kay. And I agree that it is time to throw off the arbitrary shackles imposed by wannabe gods and their followers. Too much ivory tower thinking is being treated as scientific fact simply because it’s repeated over and over until everyone believes it must be true. As the saying goes: “Figures don’t lie, but liars do figure.” 
20 Feb 21 by member: TomLong
Right now the important thing is that you finally get past this nausea — catch your breath and get used to being the mother of 2 young ones. When you are ready you can decide what you want to do and what is doable. My sister is 5’8“ and at 145 she looked terrible she was so thin— no muscle or toning. She wass much healthier looking and felr better at about 155-160. You have always carried your weight so well and looked beautiful no matter the numbers. That is the girl that will be back. 
20 Feb 21 by member: Kenna Morton
Tom, brilliant. Thank you 🙏🏼  
21 Feb 21 by member: KayBuckaroo
Kenna, wise and on point as always. Thank you  
21 Feb 21 by member: KayBuckaroo

     
 

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