Snowwhite100's Journal, 29 October 2020

Today's the day I start to get back on the wagon. The day “after” my Birthday seemed like a good candidate since I was going out with my husband for a Birthday dinner. Also I have been binging for a very long time. Here I am willing to start. Yes, I know I've had hundreds, maybe thousands of false starts in my life of yo-yo dieting. But it's still a positive thing to even try to start. Often, when I couldn't face going cold turkey, I'd cut out one thing a day. Perhaps pie one day, cake the next, cookies the following day, and so on. This time I am cutting out all sweets today. Since I am going out with my sister next week to a sandwich place for my Birthday, I've decided to wait till after that to give up bread. Now, I know Fatsecret followers do all different kinds of diets, so there's really no need to criticize my particular variety. Some on FS have told me to just exercise more. That's really hard with my age and physical condition. I will do what I can. I'm glad for them that they are young and can do a lot.

High carbohydrates turn to sugar in my body, and sugar will contribute to a faster progression of memory loss than any other thing. At least in me. And if I hope to remain independent I need my brain. It doesn't make much sense, does it, that I preached about that more than a year ago and went down to 104. Then when my husband went into the hospital in September 2019, just over a year ago, and almost died I started binging. Well, in the year's time he has been in the hospital 6 times and I gained 21 pounds, which on me is about 4 sizes. I've spent hours taking out the side seams of pants I'd taken in. Mostly I hadn't cut off the excess fabric, because with my bad back, I never know when I will be unable to be active at all. Unfortunately on many pants, the lines down the leg where they have been taken out, show even after washing and ironing. I have too many clothes as it is, I'm not willing to buy bigger pants this time around. Seven years ago when I broke my back (T11) I couldn't get in the attic for larger sizes or “off-season” storage ones, so I just bought larger jeans at the thrift store for a dollar or two.

To those on FS that were critical of me for my lack of exercise and my complaint of still having a big stomach at low weights, I have fractures of L5, that I was born with and never healed. Someone called me skinny fat. I'd never heard that term and I will now admit it really hurt my feelings. At 77 years old at that time, it sounded harsh to me. We don't criticize others for weighing a lot. Was there some benefit to criticizing me as being fat at a low weight? There's no pleasing everyone. I was doing the best I could. Even my husband described me as fat at 118, and then at 113 said I was letting myself go. Actually there is a picture of my husband and me on my journal of March 7th, which is still on page 1 at this time because I haven't written as much this year. As I write more it will scroll to page 2 and so on. That picture is about 3 years old now so I was about 76 years old at the time. No, the picture has not been retouched. I've had a lot of grief in the last 3 years, and look 10 years older. My husband has been in the hospital 6 times in this last year, and our daughter has stage 4 cancer. On the other hand, when my weight is up I don't have as many wrinkles.

I learned Google says: “Skinny fat is when you look reasonably fit and healthy in your clothes but underneath those cool duds, your muscles are like a jiggly bowl of Jell-O. While it sounds like an oxymoron, skinny fat is simply carrying more fat and insignificant amounts of muscle on an otherwise thin body.” I admit I now qualify. Then, I had very little fat but was about 77 years old. How do you expect to be at 77? I now thank the Lord every day for leaving my husband with me, for having the strength to carry in the groceries, grocery shop, cook, and almost take reasonable care of my house.

125.7 lb Lost so far: 0 lb.    Still to go: 12.7 lb.    Diet followed poorly.