kingkeld's Journal, 02 July 2013

(Don't miss out on my edit at the bottom... "DEEP STUFF!". :)

Good morning!

Well, I'm down 200 grams again since yesterday. That's the good news.

The bad news is I could probably have been down WAY more.

I'm still facing some serious challenges when it comes to curbing the carbs in the afternoons, doing the "8 hour window" way of eating. It's a real challenge, but I am still convinced that I can and will learn to do this.

I see so many benefits to doing it, and I honestly believe that it's much more a matter of getting a grip on things than it is about concluding that "it's not for me". I can and will do this.

The whole setup makes perfect sense to me. The thing works, I am sure of it. It's simply a matter of understanding myself well enough to know to avoid the pit falls.

So, what happened?

Well, I did fine all morning again. I had no food thoughts, no issues. I had lunch as always, and steered clear of everything. Then, after work, I went for my early dinner and did enjoy this. I stayed within the calories, did wise choices, and was gonna end up having consumed 550 calories for the day. This was exactly what I had planned.

Then it hit me. The carb monster came and wanted more, more, more.

I just couldn't resist. I had time to spare, and I ended up buying ice cream AND chocolate.

Then - ironically - I went to teach my weight loss class.

And then, even more ironically - I went to buy ice creams for the whole family on the way home. Guess who got the biggest one? :/

And to finish it all off, I had a nice sandwich in the evening. I never eat bread anymore, and I had a frickin' sandwich! What the...?

...

I'm glad I was very active yesterday. I don't think I went over my calorie burn, so all was not lost. I lost track of the calories, so I can't even tell how I did, but I'm gonna have to count it as an Indulgence Day. That'll be my punishment, and I will simple just move along from it.

It does require me to re-assess a little bit on how to do this.

I can't help thinking that the trouble lies in the super low calorie days. I know I can do them, but I think I might be pushing those a little too hard a little too often.

These migth be what results in the binge days. Binge days typically come after a Low Cal Day. I've noticed this.

So, maybe I need to stay closer to the RDI suggested by both Fatsecret and Fitbit on a day-to-day basis and trust that they've got me?

Instead of going 600+ calories on a day-to-day basis, simply go 1500 or even 2000. It's worth a try, but also kinda scary when I'm used to super low days.

Also, it's potentially a "lot of food", even if I know deep down that it's not the food that I gain weight from. It's the calories in it. Smart food choices makes me lose weight, not gain.

...

Still, it's simple logic. I know what the carb monster will do to me, and I need to simply avoid it. I have the tools for killing it (IE the tapping - I know it works), but when the carb monster comes knockin', I forget to implement the tools. I just need to use them. I need to remember what it does to me.

I'm not sure just yet that I want to up my calories all that much. On average, I'm eating perfectly fine. I'm eating enough to not stall my weight loss, and I don't eat as much to make me gain weight. It's just the weekend fluctuations that seem like an endless battle.

I just need a better grip.

...

So, today is another day. I won't go for a Low Cal Day today. I will, however, only have food between 11 am and 7 pm. This is my 8 hour window, and I will stick to it. I will also NOT let the carb monster in. It's not worth it. I want to drop the excess weigth, and inch my way back to 76+ kilos.

I think that most of the trouble comes from ONE moment of weakness, and I see when it comes. It typically comes when I have just eaten something, and if I at that moment have the option to go buy something stupid, then I'll take it.

This is the one moment that I need to learn to handle. Once I got this one under control, then I think I'm pretty good for the rest of the day.
"If you don't start, it's not hard to stop". I say this all the time. Now it's time for me to start remembering it again. This is the one thing that seems to really get me in trouble.

...

Other than the damn carbs, I did great yesterday. I had my lunch and my dinner, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I did my walk, and since I didn't go to the gym, I expanded my walk. I just detoured and expanded the route, and before I knew it I had walked 8 kilometers! This, of course, made my stats look great!

It seems that IMGUR isn't working today, so I can't upload today's stats. Here are the numbers:

Calories burned: 3350 (goal is 2800)
Very active minutes: 2h10min (goal is 30min)
Distance: 16.46km (goal is 8km)
Steps: 21175 (goal is 10000)
Sleep was 7h6min.

I think I can safely say I did great. Too bad I lost it all to chocolate and ice cream. It really was a great day, if we ignore the carbs. LOL.

Well, today is another day, and I shall do better.

Today is gym day. Wife and I will go straight to the gym after work, and it's gonna help me focus a whole lot too.

I have to say that I miss the gym quite a lot. I find it much harder to do gym in the afternoons, and with less of a schedule to it, but I really want Wife to go, and I don't want to change this. It makes it a LOT harder though. It makes me feel less focused, and much more sluggish. It makes me feel like I never go, though I almost go as I used to. There is not that much of a chance, though I do feel that I skip now and then. I think I might start combining things, and go more. Maybe on days when am too close to a workout with Wife, just go for cardio. Just to help my focus. I need to consider this.

Here is how it could work out:

Wife and I supposedly work out on Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. If we have a day where we do NOT go to the gym, then I can compensate on Wednesday, Saturday or Monday mornings. Just to make damn sure I get the workouts. This will give me the "risk" of two days in a row, but at the same time I get more workouts, more muscle building and more calories burned. On the other mornings, I could simply go and do the elliptical. Bring an audio book. Have a cup of coffee with the gang afterwards. Make it simple. I will of course still combine this with my daily walks.

This is something I want to consider. It'll cost me a little time in the morning, but it might be worth it. It's all about focus.

...

I see this clearly. CLEARLY. When I focus on the mission, I do great. I progress FAST. The moment things become "normal" and I start to feel that I am comfortable with what I am doing, I start taking things for granted, take the liberty to having "just a little", and then things go straight to hell. This is what I need to focus on. Don't push your luck, Keld. Know what the carbs will do to you, and remember it! REMEMBER IT!

Anyways, enough babbling on this.

Today will be a day with lunch and dinner. Maybe a snack. This snack WILL BE FRUIT, and if anything else a strawberry smoothie. Nothing with carbs that will kick me out of control.

Today I'm gonna go buy some apples.

I don't mind binging on apples. It's very limited just how far that'll take me. One plate of chocolate equals ten apples in calories. I bet I can't eat ten apples. LOL.

...

Today, I'm thankful for:
- Another day. Hopefully another focus. I hate losing grip, and it happens too often these days. Was it me that said that losing weight is always easy? I hope not. If so, I apologize.
- Morning coffee, when you're up too early. I slep great, but not enough.
- Wife, for being the best wife in the world.

Happy Tuesday! Life is good!

EDIT:
Today's 5k walk is done. It was a great walk, and I spent some time pondering on the whole "carb monster" thing, and why I think it's happening.

This is when I remembered that I have been here before. Being really - REALLY - close to my final goal, but keep sabotaging it. The question is - I think - this:

Am I ready to reach the finishing line?

It sounds like a silly question, and the immediate answer is obviously "of course I am!". But I'm honestly not sure it's all that simple.

I've been working hard and long to get here, so why not simply step over the finishing line?

I think it has to do with identities. I think this is at least some of the reason. That, and the love of ice cream. :)

No, seriously, I think I might be sabotaging myself simply because I am not sure I can STAY at 76 kilos. I'm not sure that I can be the weight loss hero I would like to be, and maintain a 76 kilo weight on a day-to-day basis. I'm not sure that this is sustainable.

Of course, it doesn't HAVE to be. Hell, if I stay the weight I am today I would be doing more than well, and I would have accomplished what I've set out to do. But I DO want to reach that final goal, and I do want to stay there. Why? Because I set it as a goal. It's the "normal" weight range, and we all want to be normal in some way, don't we?

My identity as I see it today is being "the guy who is excellent at losing weight". I'm great at it, and I like doing it. But reaching 76 is maybe too hard on me. Seeing that 77 kilos was reached with not too much effort, I simply pushed the goal to make it harder on myself to reach it.

The choice to do this was maybe for me to NOT finish being the "weight loss guy". Maybe it was simply for me to not be finished? This it worth considering, I think.

In order to finish, I need to be okay with having reached my goal, and I need to be able to accept that I am now no longer needing to lose weight. I will have to shift my thoughts to a new phase, and even if the actual change in approach really isn't all that radical, then it's a whole different game seen from MY perspective.

What if I can't retain 76 kilos? What if I gain weight again, like I did last time? What happens after surgery? What if, what if, what if?

Of course, there will always be unanswered questions, and they will keep coming. There is NO need to wait for answers to all of them. If I wait for all the answers and if I wait for all the doubt to be gone, then I can wait forever. I can't allow this to happen.

I hope that realizing these things might help me. The more I think about it, I think the final solution will be one (or more) of the following:

a. I will realize that I can and will finish, and focus on reaching my goal of 76 kilos. The realization will help me NOT sabotage myself too often. This will help me maintain 76 kilos on a much more regular basis. I see that eating in a more "common sense"-way will help me. Just follow the rules that I know will get me there. I know these rules deep down and all I gotta do it follow them, control the sugars, and just do good. It's not rocket science. All issues are on an emotional level, and I can handle them!

b. I will realize that I can and will finish, but that it's not in any way be-all-end-all that I constantly am at 76 kilos, and that fluctuations will happen on a regular basis, they'll be high, and I will be able to knock 'em down within a week or so, as always.

c. I will simply be okay with weighing maybe 80 kilos instead of 76, in general.

I kinda hope that the end result is not c. But if it is, so be it. I still like option a much better than the others, but I hope that I will just "settle in" a comfortable place between them.

To me, this was a pretty surprising discovery. I'm curious to see if this changes anything for me. If I can agree with myself why I sabotage my own mission, then I can much easier deal with it by either acceptance or stubbornness. :)

So, let us see what today brings. I am STILL on my mission to do this right, to lose the kilos, and to reach goal. I want this, and I will aim for it.

Let's go.

END OF EDIT.

179.0 lb Lost so far: 162.7 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed poorly.