peeperjj's Journal, 18 June 2020

Under a lot of stress with the mri, pet scan and now a biopsy coming up. Been doing my best to get 1800-2000 a day. Some days I over shoot it easily to make up for the days I’m just not hungry. Yesterday was a not hungry day. Just had a sinking feeling all day. Then when I got the call from my dr I knew why. I must have just ‘knew’ something was wrong. Now we gotta figure out what.

Rimlike area lit up around the right implant on mri as well as two lymph nodes. The report shows I may have a rupture as well. Went for a pet scan to ‘make sure it’s nothing’ (my dr obviously was trying to keep me from worrying). Got the results much faster than I expected. Around the implant didn’t light up so still no clue what that is but one of the lymph nodes lit up a lot and the other some. Dr said the wording made it sound like the radiologist was really worried about the bright one. Think my intuition was at work because the tech allowed me to see the scans but scrolled through them really quickly focusing on how the brain and bladder lit up like they were supposed to. He and the other guy were super nice and had ‘that look’ when they took me out of the scan. Thought it was my imagination.

So Dr Google has me calm because I’ve narrowed it down to two cancers and the possible rupture (wouldn’t explain the lymph nodes). My dr still says it might be an infection. But only affecting those two nodes? I’m considering all possibilities like maybe giving blood on that side irritated them but that was well over a month ago.

Dr thinks the big bruise I have is from working out. However I NEVER bring the bar down to the implants and what could I have done to the crease of the breast? It had to be something so insignificant that I didn’t notice it as I’m always super careful. I did wake up one night with pain in my dislocated ribs. They’ve been irritating me and I have the 138# kiddo a piggy back ride yesterday and something popped there again. Probably dislocated one of them again. Just my luck lol. Again that’s on the left side so not the side that’s lighting up.

I’m doing my best to keep all this inside. I tell myself and everyone else that my medication is keeping me calm and not worried. Do you realize how easy it is to lie to yourself until you realize that you feel sick all day every day? That’s when the body starts letting ya know something is off even if you can keep your brain occupied with other stuff. Right shoulder hurts too. Same type of pain I had about 6 weeks before they found my TNBC.

My family knows I went for a pet scan but they think it’s regular maintenance. All I’ve told the kids is that my dr is agreeing to the tests my oncologist originally agreed to then decided against because current cancer patients need them more than survivors. I disrupted their lives for months 3.5 years ago. I’m doing everything I can to be ‘normal’ until we know something for sure. My 5 yo occasionally comes crying to me saying she is scared that I’ll get cancer again and she doesn’t want me to die. She wasn’t even 2 1/2 when I had my diagnosis and I was done before she was 3! I didn’t realize she understood that much back then or that she remembers it so clearly. She doesn’t want me feeling bad and laying on the couch unable to sleep again. She remembers that but not all the practices and games I took them to. Or me cooking and picking up the house or doing laundry etc. She remembers my middle, almost 8 at the time, bringing me snacks and drinks and blankets and overall just trying to make me feel better. She remembers her oldest sister, almost 10 at the time, being angry over everything at the time. She still is lol. Just her personality.

I haven’t told any extended family anything. The kids no nothing. I’ve told the hubby the results and I’m to have a biopsy. I wanted tot so more about my fears but he is busy with farming. He wanted tot so about what was on his mind. To relieve his stress or keep my mind occupied with other stuff?? Either way I won’t add to his stress with my worries. My friend just wants me to switch to her oncologist. That’s all she wanted to discuss when I tried to talk to her about it.

So I’m writing this all down here. I need to get it all out. I’ll probably start journaling again. Paula, my friend, wanted me to start a blog the first time I had cancer. It was such a rare experience. If I have another cancer I may start one. No clue on how to even start one lol. I tend to ramble too if you haven’t noticed yet!

Anyway, on to this 1.2# loss. It’s not real. It’s not dehydration because I’ve been drinking a ton to get the radioactive stuff out of my system. But I’ve been eating probably 300 kcal over my burn every day on average. Some days it’s 200 under and some days it’s 1000 over lol. Gives me something else to worry about. Gaining weight again! 3 weeks and a few days of ‘over eating’ on purpose to see how it effects me.

This is a stress loss I think. I lost about 25# when mom was sick. I ate honey buns for breakfast, KFC, sandwich, burger etc for lunch, people brought over things like casseroles, brisket etc for dinners. I ate Oreos, candy bars, chips, drank full calorie cokes (4 a day or more). I still lost weight. Stress. And pacing. I did a lot of pacing. I got down to 107 fall of 2013. I keep thinking that would be nice again but I was skin and bones. Weak. No muscle tone. Still had the little tummy I could never lose. Until my plastic surgeon took 1# from my tummy. Then joining here and losing the chemo weight. Still not all gone as I have a nice small roll lol. Extra skin but not enough to want surgery for. Not enough to pay for the surgery that is lol. See how I ramble when I’m stressed? Lol.

Hope everyone has a great day! I’ll probably spend the day going through more toys and clothes to donate. Or reading. I’m on my third book this week lol. We have 5-6 55 gallon trash bags full of clothes to donate. Figuring $2-5 per item for normal stuff (shirts, jeans, toys, etc)and $10 per item for expensive dresses and coats I have over $1500 bagged up. Plus 3 more bags of toys, one tub of clothes and one big box of toys to go through still. That’s only about 1/4 of what we have in the shed. I’m a hoarder. I can admit it lol. I kept absolutely everything in case I needed it again for another kiddo, another pregnancy, when I lost weight, if I gain the weight back etc. I also have ALL of my moms stuff to go through. That’s a whole household worth of stuff! Just our stuff alone will make for a nice tax write off this year. I’ll probably save some for next year. The ride on toys the kids are too big for, furniture etc. I don’t feel like dragging the bigger stuff up in this heat. 95-105!! Anyway rambling again. Off to log my breakfast sandwich and play a game of spades as I feel stress building yet again. Now is when I wish I was a runner. They say runners can just forget about everything but running. I don’t feel like stressing my heart that much before we find out what’s causing those issues. That’s been put on hold until after we figure out about the implant and lymph nodes. My insurance company probably hates me right now lol.

120.0 lb Lost so far: 40.6 lb.    Still to go: 0 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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2266 kcal

Fat: 114.58g | Prot: 88.64g | Carb: 212.86g.   Breakfast: McDonald's Bacon, Egg & Cheese Biscuit (Regular). Lunch: Mazzio's Pizza Ham Bacon Cheddar Calzone Ring, Mazzio's Pizza Cool Ranch Dippin' Sauce. Dinner: Red Lobster Steamed Broccoli, Red Lobster Center - Cut NY Strip Steak, Red Lobster Mashed Potatos. Snacks/Other: Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit, Snickers Snickers Bar (1.86 oz), Arby's Coke Zero Float , Sun Chips Harvest Cheddar. more...

1594 kcal

Activities & Exercise: Apple Health - 24 hours. more...