FullaBella's Journal, 24 January 2020

Well, you folks who claim to like my writing are in for a treat today. This got long. You folks who don’t like my long journals, well, there’s a picture of a pretty burger at the end. So there’s that.

But for today I’m just writing without editing so you get a glimpse of how my brain functions. Proceed with caution.

I made a staggering mental connection yesterday. But considering the climate around here lately I’ll start with the disclaimer.

Yes, I am an adult with the freedom to choose. I’m actually an adult … cubed? I’m a grandparent so that’s adult x 3. I think that’s the right term. Dang. My math teacher was right when she said I would need this stuff later in life.

Anyhoo … I was rearranging some very heavy boxes in storage yesterday and I had a flashback from my childhood right out of the blue.

The memory was my Grandmother saying, “Well, if you have THAT much extra energy, why don’t you go out and … “ at that point some assigned and generally unpleasant chore would follow. Weed the garden, mop the kitchen, paint the barn. You get the picture.

Sure, as an adult, these chores just come with the job description. But to a child of 6 or 7 years old… it’s a PUNISHMENT.

Point? I am convinced THIS is why I don’t associate energy and exercise.

I think THIS is why I naturally think “hey, I’ve got a little energy today - I think I’ll ….” and that’s when I go clean, mop, move, rearrange, etc.

I’m convinced THIS is why I don’t mind walking MILES as long as there is a destination or to complete an errand but logging the same distance on a treadmill (although I have a huge, very pricey but extremely dusty one sitting ignored in my studio) seems counter-productive.

I’m convinced THIS is why I can move a stack of heavy boxes from one side of the room to the other but the thought of standing still in a room and lifting bar-bells seems, again, counter-productive.

Because it was this, the evidence of moving for the sake of moving or being active for the sake of activity that resulted in a sort of punishment. Being assigned a chore because I’d been too active.

This may not seem like much to you but it was a total ‘eureka’ moment for me.

Now, what to do with this connection? I’m going to sit with it a minute. I’m going to start trying to connect ‘moving more’ without having a ‘specific purpose’.

But I’m an old dog. This will take some time. Hey, I have the rest of my life, right?

Okay, in all fairness, I get that many of my journals read like I am a complete sloth. I am not. I am an active standing, reaching, walking, climbing, lifting person. I may record my daily activity as sleeping 24/7 but we all know that isn’t true because, hey, you’re reading my journal right? So obviously I’m awake long enough to write. And eat. You see that I’m awake long enough to eat, right?

Oh! Speaking of sleep… I did it!!!! I slept last night. Good sleep. Deep sleep. Like, maybe ten hours of sleep with only one brief awake period. Sure, it was chemically managed but still, hallelujah!

And (squirrel - this is Blondie’s code word for me for when I get distracted and move onto a different topic without warning ) I dreamed a ‘movie of the week’. It wasn’t anything ground shattering original but it involved Cutty, marital discord, the other woman, and killing someone. There was also a live play in New York. So, if I ever finish THIS journal I may try to go write that out.

And the most tragic part of the dreams was that I went to the doctor and weighed in at 235lbs.

No, nothing wrong with that number and when I was at 264lbs I would have been happy to see it but at this time it would have indicated a massive gain overnight - so there’s the tragic part. Calm down.

So obviously, the thought of this mornings weigh in (199.20!!) after the massive water retention this week was heavy on my mind. Get it? Heavy. Hahahah.

But, let’s see if I can drag my ADHD brain back to topic. I feel the mystery of ‘why doesn’t Bella want to exercise’ has finally been solved.

And, well, I’ll just toss this out for the heck of it .. for the sake of the children, hahaha.

Be MINDFUL of what you say and how you say it to young, easily influenced minds. Because, heaven forbid, they end up like me.

That’s all. For now.

Okay, I lied. Dinner last night. Blondie & I walked across the street and had a burger. I subbed the salad for fries (and need to remember to tell them ‘blue cheese on the side’ next time because this I’m not a fan of my salad being drenched in dressing). And I removed the bun & ate the burger with the salad.

If you’ve seen me rambling endlessly on Moopie’s journal trying to explore the theory (Diablo's theory too) about ‘spending your calories wisely - you’ll understand why I had a dinner out right on the heels of the soup & garlic rolls the night before.

Two dinner’s out back to back? Am I just asking for weight regain?

No. I’m not. Or wasn’t. My grammar teacher was right when he told me I’d need this stuff someday.

I’m trying to move ‘burgers’ out of the ‘special, fun money’ (seriously - go read her journal after this - it makes more sense there) column. I’m trying to stop treating it like a ‘oh, no, this burger is going to cause me to go off my Woe, trigger me to overeat, can’t be a part of my regular way of life.’

So, burger it was. Better choices without the fries (except for that flood of dressing that had to be scraped off) and removed the bun because I didn’t need that much bread after the garlic roll.

So, point? Burger mystery solved. And for that person who was mean last week and said ‘for F’s sake, a burger is just a burger’ - well, if you’re still around with a different name because FS deleted your foul mouthed profile… this is my ‘burger’ explanation.

That’s it. I’m really done. Go on now.
199.2 lb Lost so far: 64.8 lb.    Still to go: 19.2 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

Diet Calendar Entries for 24 January 2020:
1943 kcal Fat: 106.67g | Prot: 142.51g | Carb: 99.02g.   Breakfast: Coffee-Mate Sugar Free French Vanilla Liquid Coffee Creamer, Cream (Half & Half), Coffee. Lunch: Paleovalley 100% Grass Fed Beef Stick, Health Ade Ginger-Lemon Kombucha, Bar Harbor Wild Herring Fillets in Stone Ground Mustard Sauce. Dinner: Mushrooms , Pork Loin (Country-Style Ribs) , Roasted Broiled or Baked Chicken Breast, Fresh Express Organic Baby Spinach, Pictsweet Vegetables For Roasting Cauliflower, Sweet Potatoes, Brussel Sprouts. Snacks/Other: Southern Grove Pistachios Roasted with Sea Salt. more...
2049 kcal Activities & Exercise: Sleeping - 24 hours. more...
losing 9.1 lb a week

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Comments 
Two meals out and you’re back under 200❣️ I wanna give you the squishiest hugs of hugs❣️🤗🤗🤗 way to balance your budget 😉❣️🐮 💞 🔔  
24 Jan 20 by member: moopie321
Have a Onederful weekend, and thought (mine anyway) is that the 264 in your dream may be due to your brain not having caught up yet with you being in Onderland! Give it time you're doing great. 
24 Jan 20 by member: jeannieselby
It's amazing how comments from our youth stick with us, what a great realization.  
24 Jan 20 by member: dhatura
Another great read AND you are back in Onederland. So, your exercise consists of moving heavy objects and cleaning as well as walks to a destination. Nothing wrong with that. Just like clothing, no one size fits all with exercise either. By the way, my mother used to say, "Go outside and blow some stink off." Never did figure that one out. 
24 Jan 20 by member: Erquiaga
great advice! I am doing a job of eliminating the whole vocabulary of what's "healthy" and "unhealthy". Because I dont want my small girls (6and4) to grow up with that mindset we all have. My 4 yr old asked just last night if her macaroni bowl was unhealthy. I responded, it's not unhealthy, But if you eat a whole lot more and eat a lot every day then it's not very good for you. Making it a point to not state healthy or unhealthy. Sorry for the rambling. lol 
24 Jan 20 by member: MamaCabral7
haha! I love reading your rants and journals. You keep us engaged and entertained. Do what's best for you and ignore the rest! 
24 Jan 20 by member: tlender
Whew..glad I speed read! Jk 💜💜 We have a shared problem..I haven't slept good in a very long time. This week I've woken up at 3am every morning..it sucks cuz now I am crappy. Sometimes it's my hip pain and sometimes...who knows.?! Glad you got a good night's sleep last night. I was just going through your profile and I didn't realize how much weight you have lost. You are killing it! I enjoy reading your posts. You make me smile!😘💜💜 
24 Jan 20 by member: Diana 1234
I like reading your posts♥️ Right back to Onederland 💜💚 
24 Jan 20 by member: jcmama777
Imo this was too short. I love reading you. Not reading some posts lately but I never scroll past Bella Beans! You are doing awesome! Keep at it and keep writing! ❤️ PS. Cleaning, lifting , moving burns more calories than many realize! Don’t underestimate the benefit you get from it. Some days I burn more in a hour at work than I do in a workout! 
24 Jan 20 by member: wifey9707
The post Bella is referring to with comments is my “impulse post” on 1/21❣️😊😊😊 
24 Jan 20 by member: moopie321
I get it! And that is the main reason why I look forward to stay in my homeland for a longer period. We will not have a car, we actually don't need one because of great public transportation. I have mentioned before, I never had a weight problem until I came to the US: I was cycling to my work 90 minutes a day, 4 days in a row. I didn't need to go to the gym, I didn't need to log, and most important I was fit! 
24 Jan 20 by member: silkian
I always love reading you, Bella. 🥰  
24 Jan 20 by member: EvaSieteTres
Haven't finished reading all the way through yet..but thus far, you sound like my PIC as far as cleaning and such goes vs exercise. I am not sure the source of his habit but he likes being PRODUCTIVE and I tease that he is married to the house..or houses in general. He likes things neat and orderly. When things aren't done, it makes him anxious and feel like he isn't productive. And because those things take TIME...he often runs out of it to do other things in the day.  
24 Jan 20 by member: AboutMyTribe
You go, Bells 👊👍🤙 
24 Jan 20 by member: acomandr
Great journal, and it's always great to have a eureka moment. I think that I've blocked out my childhood so thoroughly that I'll never know why I am the way I am.. 
24 Jan 20 by member: metamora
You broke 2 bills! Congrats, keep up the hard work! 
24 Jan 20 by member: jonathanbrady
We say ‘squirrel’ too when my kids get off topic or lose their train of thought. You know, they see something shiny and can’t remember what they were taking about lol. 
24 Jan 20 by member: peeperjj
Bella, you continue to inspire me! These moments are so precious when the light bulb goes off and you finally GET it! WooHOO! (((((hugs))))) 
24 Jan 20 by member: kclab
Well Bella, you reminded me of me. Love your outlook and your weight loss is impressive. Makes me want to get refocused. Love your diet outlook. Makes me want to cut back on...hmmm...wine or beer or.... 
24 Jan 20 by member: EyeBeLee
I wish I could sit down with you as your 6 year-old self and say, "Why don't you go outside and enjoy this beautiful day?" to erase what your grandmother told you! I fully believe that we internalize what is told to us when we are young. I'm sure one way to eradicate this is to vocalize some mantra as you exercise...and do it at least 17 times to establish a habit...but I think the real thing is to just be aware of it. Awareness conquers so many fears, etc. I am beyond thrilled that you bested the 200 mark. Looks like you are winning at challenges....and you were so worried?? Hah! Go in some room by yourself and dance around in celebration. What an accomplishment! Sending hugs and lots of prayers. XOXO :0) You are awesome! 
25 Jan 20 by member: binkytexas

     
 

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