Yay another small loss - hopefully it will hold. Monday was 206. Just another thrill ride on the roller coaster of scale weight.
I haven’t been very present here but I am eating mindfully, staying active and still recording my food. Otherwise, I’m just really busy.
Dinner last night at Houlihan’s: 6 oz sirloin, green beans, salad, ahi tuna, scallops and cheesecake. It was … not great but not bad. It really didn’t take much to top the two recent substandard steakhouse experiences. Sorry, but I was very hungry and kept taking bites of food before remembering to photograph it.
Dessert came with three courses and we weren’t sharing because this friend hates cheesecake - she got the apple pie/fritter/puffed pastry thing with ice cream dessert displayed). In retrospect I could have just let her order both, totally skipped dessert myself, and let her take the extra home to her husband. But, I was ordering while hungry so I got the cheesecake.
However, halfway thru the cheesecake I stopped, took a break, went to the ladies' room, and gave the whole ‘shoveling cheesecake into my mouth’ a moment to rest. When I returned to the table, I was ‘over it’ and didn’t need to finish it ‘just because it was sweet and it was there.’
There’s more about this process explained and wrapped up in this lengthy journal. Have a little faith.
I’m hosting Blondie’s birthday party here in Bellawood tomorrow night. I’ve already decorated - except for the balloons. Those will be delivered tomorrow.
I tell ya, I’ve never discussed balloons and ribbons as much as the other day. For years now, I’d just call my balloon guy and tell him to handle it. Yes, I have a balloon guy. His shop is only about 3 blocks away and he delivers.
I’ve always said, “Hey, George, send me 3 dozen latex with a half dozen mylar.. Mix it up, I trust you.” But all of a sudden he wanted to discuss varying shades of pink and ribbon textures. It was maddening. I guess someone else complained about an order or he went to a balloon seminar or something. That discussion and typing this into my journal is longer than I would ever want to spend on the subject of balloons.
The groceries were delivered today (it’s going to be a simple stew & cornbread with a variety of appetizers and of course, the cake which was another ridiculously lengthy Q&A discussion) so I will prep the meal this afternoon.
I’ve sewn for Blondie a pretty little clutch handbag with some customized details as well as a separate huge six-pocket tote bag - I may post photos later. Just in case I don’t, she likes ‘Taz’ and the color purple - so the tote is made of fabric with ‘Taz’ on the outside and lined in purple. I even put in inner pockets plus a zippered pocket - my first zipper! The little clutch is pink/purple and I downloaded the Taz image and customized it to read ‘With Love, From Mom’ into the shape of a heart, printed it & sewed it onto the inside flap.
She ‘thinks’ she and I are leaving after the party to go ‘somewhere’ - a little mini road trip of sorts. We usually do this on her birthday. But, when we were doing the ‘where do you want to go?’ talk, she said, “I am fine with anywhere, I just need to get away.”
However, it gets challenging because she doesn’t like riding anywhere much longer than 3 hours. Even with breaks. Which is very limiting because here in Texas it takes 12 hours just to get OUT of the state (if going west). Therefore, we’ve done AR, OK & LA to death as those are 3 hour trips.
So, instead, I’m surprising her with two nights at the nicest suite in town; it has a huge jacuzzi, separate living room, private courtyard outside the room, etc. I’m going to take her tote bag filled with snacks and soda over & check into her room tomorrow afternoon; maybe some bath salts and a few ‘birthday’ decorations too. Then drop her off tomorrow night and tell her to rest and enjoy the quiet with no husband, kids, dogs, house stuff, etc. I’ll pick her up Friday for a ‘day-trip’ somewhere then back to her hotel for resting.
Why am I telling you this? Because I’m writing in my journal and I’m processing something else. It connects. I promise.
I think it’s ‘this’ .. this attention to detail that I give things for others that results in me being a little frustrated when on the receiving end of what feels like a thoughtless (maybe even malicious?) gift.
So folks, here we are, another segment of The Bitchy Bella. I have a “friend” (( bunny ear quotation marks because I’m using that term a little loosely right now )) who’s ‘mostly’ a business associate but we do socialize a lot, have been on trips together, etc. We talk daily. Okay, we’re friends more than business. She was originally Cutty’s friend and just kind of kept me after he passed.
Last night at dinner she gave me a jacket as a gift. But the jacket is a size 12 petite and although it’s ‘stretchy’ it barely reaches my waist. I have worn tunic length blouses for years as that length is more flattering to my ‘Mrs Potato Head’ shape.
I would have to lose at least another 30-40 lbs and somehow miraculously rid myself of this Buddha belly to fit into this jacket without ‘stretching it’ but even THEN.. I’d have to have 2-4 inches removed from my spine for it hang properly and reach my hips and be flattering.
Settle down. There’s more to this story. In 2012 when I lost (a lot of ) weight, she brought me a blouse, again, many sizes too small. At the time of that ‘gift’ I was 30 lbs lighter than I am now and it still wouldn’t have fit as it was an Extra Small.
And I don’t care if something is stretchy - in my opinion, my sense of style, it isn’t flattering to test the fabric that much.
No other times, in our nearly 20 years of friendship, has she ever bought me clothes. She has done this twice now ONLY when I’m trying to lose weight, with the comment, “You said you’ve lost some weight.. maybe this will fit.”
Okay, here’s the, “once a fat girl, always a fat girl” mentally in me. It’s insulting. It’s like she's saying..((Yes, this is how I translated it)) “Oh, you've lost some weight, sure, but you’re still a fat cow because look at this blouse that would fit ‘me’ and it’s still too small for you.”
Hey, I never claimed to be the most mature person on the planet. I’m as childish and petty as the next person.
And I know the difference between a healthy weight and an unhealthy skinny weight.
So either she’s clueless and never pays attention to me and how I dress and look (and We see each other at least monthly and talk daily) … or she’s a witch and is purposely giving me things that would fit HER. The jury is out on that one.
I’m just pondering it with a ‘why do you buy clothes for a person if you have no idea of their style or size? Are you being intentionally dense or intentionally mean?’
Therefore, if you’re still reading and remembering how this all began 97 chapters ago… I considered it kind of a victory on my part to stop halfway thru the cheesecake.
Mentally and emotionally I went thru the whole ‘Well, WTF, I’ll never be thin enough for that jacket, I may as well eat the whole dessert and be fat starting with this cheesecake…’ struggle as well as the opposite ‘shoot, if I’m ever going to fit into something that small I should probably not eat cheesecake at all… in fact, I should skip this meal, and the next one and the one after that ((because, as I’ve mentioned, I fight an eating disorder that ranges from anorexia to bulimia to over eating when my emotions get too involved in my eating.))
See, I told you it connected. Therefore, THAT is why I was proud to eat ‘some but not all’ of the cheesecake. Moderation.
Y’all go take a nap now. Have some lunch. Get on with your lives. Thank you for reading. I have to go chop carrots now.
