rhadei's Journal, 06 September 2019

Sometimes remembering “old you” us like reading a character in a book. 📖 Who was that person? 

My real weight gain began in my early 30s, but I did the same thing you describe, Rhadei: not taking responsibility for my health and habits. I had begun to do that in my late 20s -- working out and being fit -- but fell off the wagon when I chose a very stressful family (the man I married and his three young children). It's been a long slog since that slide. But ... we start where we are now! 

Ha, yeah. Sometimes I wish we could actually send those "letters to your past self." Choose the other college! Don't waste a year on that dude! Don't turn up your nose at that oatmeal! 

Rhadei, you bring up a great point. My parents never engaged in bingeing that I recall, but my childhood consisted of large meals with lots of carbs. There was usually pasta at every meal, or potatoes or rice. Large amounts. My mom grew up in a household of 8 people and her mom always cooked large amounts of cheaper foods (potatoes, rice, pasta) to fill bellies. Her way of cooking/serving carried on to her family without realizing it wasn't healthy for any of us. 

I think another childhood issue was socioeconomic; we were pretty poor in the early 1980's. Not as bad as many; we had a roof over our heads and never went without food. But enough that Thursday dinner was usually creamed peas on toast (which I rather like with some tunafish for protein, but we didn't have the tuna at that point). So Friday, payday! would be Kentucky Fried Chicken or a pizza for dinner, because there was money again! Oh, also that meant Saturday morning donuts! Hell yeah! But I think it led to thinking of the wrong kinds of food as a reward, a celebration, or just even relief at the idea of having "enough." 

Well, if it helps any, my Mom (as I was the binge eating fat girl that embarrassed her) took me to a doctor who gave me shots. I never really knew what was in them, but considering the lack of sleep, lack of appetite and propensity to vacuum the driveway at 3 in the morning, I'm guessing amphetamines. Yep, a 12 year old on uppers.  

It sounds like those of us on this thread had very similar childhood experiences of food, money or not: lots of starch. My parents were born during the early years of the Great Depression. I think that spawned a generation that grew up on starch-heavy "sides" and *lots* of gravy. I was born in 1953. Cheap fast food restaurants and packaged foods, and food stamps from the gov't didn't come into their own until the late '60s. (Before that, poor and working poor families qualified for surplus gov't food: huge boxes of processed cheese, powdered milk (YUCK!), rolled oats, and white bread. Our heritage! (I didn't taste broccoli until my mid 20s!)  

Food stamps - probably mid 1960s... 

Bella -- OMG! I thought my mom was bad! Mine would "just" belittle me, at age 12, in department store dressing rooms: "You're gonna spend the rest of your life in 'elasticized' waists!" But no practical advice. I developed such a poor body image that I never knew how fabulous I looked in my late teens and 20s. Such a waste, fretting over what was actually a very acceptable body. 

Tip of the iceberg, Mira. Tip of the iceberg. 

Well, my mom ran into the upper 200's and low 300's herself during her adulthood, so she knew the pain I would eventually be living with; she expressed it mostly as "You're going to lose weight this summer! I will NOT have a fat teenager on my hands!" But, as you said, Mira, with no practical advice, and no support from the family kitchen, which you need at any time, but especially when you're preteen and not the one buying/preparing the majority of the food. And I felt terrible because...well, she did have a fat teenager on her hands.  

Hugs to everyone whose parents made this journey to health that much harder. Bella, I have such a sad face for your “tip of the iceberg” story. I see my 10 year old looking exactly like me that age - healthy! Pretty! Kinda goofy and awkward but awesome! She asked me if I thought she was fat! “Nope!” I said lightly, “not even close.” My own mother terrified me with her addicted behavior and abusive ways, (and I would eat secretly to feel soothed) then she would tell me “to talk to her when I was ready to lose The Weight.” I was 10. Not that I’m a victim here - it’s just taken this long to get perspective from being gaslighted until I was in my 30s. I just turned 40. 

"Iceberg" -- 😢 "Gaslighting" -- 😠 

Bella- Wow- At least me and my mom took diet pills together. Ugh- food- it's so crazy. How do I raise my kids to not be fat without having them nervous about gaining weight? I don't want them stepping on the scale at 11 years old. I want to tell them to make wise choices on where calories are being spent and plan on getting some exercise. I don't know if I'm doing a good job, or scarring them for life. (This is a rhetorical question. I'm not interested in advice) LOL. Rhadei- we are the same age or I may be a year older. I have so many food issues. I'm Italian and Greek which is what is prominent in my features but I am also Dutch and was taught to sing a song- "I'm a little dutch girl, oh so fat..." anyhow- it went on- there was a fat part and a skinny part. I was always the fat part. Hopefully one day I'll get over all the crap I went through. It's weird because the family made fun of me for being fat but constantly fed me. Anyhow- I won't take over your post. Just got me thinking is all.  

I'll be 45 on Halloween :D and no worries; other people's stories make me feel much less on my own. 

Rhadel, we can't undo the past, but we can take control of our future. I, too have regrets for the last thirty years; but I'm determined to do better with whatever time I have left. Congratulations on being under 220, and good luck on your continuing journey! 💜💛💚 

I was 45 in June. I have no idea what my weights ever were. When people talk about their HS weight- I just don't know how they remember. Did I block it out? Maybe when you are thin- you remember because you want to. I was always fat so on a positive note- I am less than my high school weight. I know I was in a 16. That stands out.  

Rhadei- how do you remember that weight from 6th grade? Did you have a scale or from a doctor's visit?  

Oh, I'm sorry for not answering promptly. I actually know I weighed 167 in 5th grade. That was due to the class discussion of the solar system, and how much we'd weigh on the different planets. I'm going to guess that just disclosing everyone's actual weight to the entire class wouldn't fly now, but in 1985, I was the only really fat kid. And I was mortified. I think most of the weights I remember are from regular physicals; those numbers just burnt into my memory because they kept going up and up... 

Omgosh that's terrible! For me, we had swimming in high school and the school supplies the suits. They were color coded by size. All the girls in red blue or green and me in black (though could've been a worse color choice). But all the plus sizes were black so you didn't know if it was a 14 or a 20. Only good thing is that the boys were suffering equally. They had to wear little speedo type things. We were all so humiliated that I don't think any of us looked at each other. It was the worst.