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Odd loss when I should be retaining water from the workout. Perhaps because instead of 30 second breaks I took a minute or two every few exercises. 🤷♀️ Not looking at the scale at this point. Let’s face it, I’m a scale watcher, but today I don’t care. Measurements about the same. Check waist and hips and if no change I don’t bother with the rest until my next monthly measuring (if I can remember then lol.
Note to self: ask Kathy why I’d wake up spitting mad. Woke up angry and out of sorts. Horrible headache, cat was locked in the closet and meowing because hubby locks him in about daily now because he doesn’t pay attention that the cat followed him in, hubs cooked breakfast (not normally) but didn’t remind the kids to do their morning stuff like feed the outside cats and out on sunscreen for the track day, he let them play chess instead of getting around then smoked and went to his office leaving me to do his morning stuff with the kids (I’m bedtime and lately ALL school stuff, afternoons and basically from 3:30-9. So that made my attitude worse. Can’t find the frozen lunch box, he didn’t cut up meat like I asked but did get an apology as he walked away and he didn’t bring up the ice chest from wherever he’s hidden it in the shed so it’ll be hot water for me today or $3/bottle. NOT paying that when it costs me $0.11 with tax to buy it (generic brand) and they don’t have propel or anything diet other than Diet Coke-yuck). Perhaps Kathy knows why every few weeks I wake up angry and it’s almost always on a day that I walk in to find I have to be mom and dad that day. But I don’t know that before I wake up... do I know subconsciously? Do I her something in my sleep that lets me know I’ll have to do and be everything for everyone that day? Did I take my meds too late? Took them an hour early actually. Is it the splitting headache? The frustration from yesterday carrying over into this morning? Gotta figure this out before I say something to him that I can’t take back. But man, I sure wish the kids and I came before his farming, phone games, tv etc every now and then and not just at Christmas. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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120.6 lb
Lost so far: 40.0 lb.
Still to go: 0 lb.
Diet followed reasonably well.
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Diet Calendar Entries for 14 May 2019:
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1972 kcal
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Fat: 54.23g | Prot: 110.83g | Carb: 268.58g.
Lunch: Perdue Grilled Chicken Breast Strips, Tropical Smoothie Cafe Three Cheese Quesadilla with Chicken, Tropical Smoothie Cafe Muscle Blaster with Whey and Splenda , Sprite Sprite (20 oz). Dinner: Ground Beef (95% Lean / 5% Fat, Crumbles, Cooked, Pan-Browned), Extra Wide Egg Noodles, McCormick Brown Gravy Mix. Snacks/Other: Snickers Snickers Bar (1.86 oz). more...
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losing 2.8 lb a week
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 Comments
I'm not Kathy so I have no answers other than it's likely related to the B/P. Some weird hormonal inexplicable anger that results in you feeling like you're hanging on by your fingertips to maintain a grip on the last of your manners because you know you can't understand why you're about to lose them. I saw this a lot in my Mother and Grandmother and have experienced it myself. Just waking up in a really crappy mood and no one and nothing seems right. And the headache doesn't help. As I said: Not Kathy. Just wanting to let you now I understand it. The one thing that has helped me is telling myself to LET IT GO. Just because I had a bad 15 minutes doesn't mean the whole day has to be bad. Remind yourself that you're strong enough to choose, the anger isn't going to serve you positively in any way whatsoever. It's a stupid inexplicable emotion and doesn't deserve being given residence in your day.
14 May 19 by member: FullaBella
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Thanks Bella. Kathy, my counselor, says we need to make a timeline from my earliest memory until now. She thinks some of my issues stems from being disrespected when I’m as younger and constantly asked to do adult things rather than just be a kid. If that’s true then things like me having to do hubbys ‘job’ triggers those old emotions and I get more upset than I already am. Stressful lately as hubby ‘checked out’ as she says. He’s doing way less and I can’t keep up with his stuff, my stuff and end of year stuff. This is the first time I’ve sat down since 8 am other than waiting for my kid to finish lunch so we could pack away the canopy and in the car while driving. Made for a long day and I knew it was coming lol. B/P as in blood pressure? Mine runs 100/60-120/85 but usually on the low end. If I smoke, walk quickly because I’m late or get irritated right before taking it then it’s toward 120/85. So I guess it could be even lower when I first get up. I’ll have to see if the hubs can strap on his wrist thing to check it some morning. 🤷♀️I can ask her and see if she knows. I’ve considered anger management classes but it’s usually a sharp burst of anger followed by something like frustration, anxiety or resentment. The anger doesn’t last long enough to control it usually lol. I need to practice keeping my mouth shut and just letting the kids burn in the sun, not get to eat lunch or hubby miss things etc and maybe they’ll take care of themselves and each other a bit more lol. But I don’t want to do that to them. Getting up earlier isn’t an option. The longer I’m around people in the morning the worse I am. 2 hours after I get up and I’m happy lol. Play a game, take my meds, breathing exercises, double checking the days plans and all that. I can’t get up at 4 or 5. I’d be a zombie as ‘mommy time is after 11pm.
14 May 19 by member: peeperjj
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Just read that my anxiety med lowers blood pressure. I’m calmer after taking it. Perhaps it’s high blood pressure that’s the cause. If it spikes in the morning as I wake up for some reason then that makes since. Will probably be sleeping with hubbys wrist blood pressure monitor at some point soon lol. Just took my afternoon dose half an hour ago and can already feel the effects. Hadn’t stopped to really pay attention. I was tired and a bit agitated just because I wanted to rest and now I’m all smiles and ready to go fold the 5 loads of laundry I washed. How do kids go through that many loads of laundry???? That’s just from Wednesday to Sunday last week lol. Tomorrow is wash day again so I’ll have even more. Somebody has been doubling up on clothes each day 😱. See? Happy happy happy where this morning was angry angry and half an hour ago was worn out lol. Man I love these pills.
14 May 19 by member: peeperjj
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I was thinking you'd said you were bipolar ( that b/p). Did I get confused?
14 May 19 by member: FullaBella
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Your post sounds similar to my journal about 20 years ago. This stuff is a monster to work through, but is possible to understand and control. Kathy sounds like she is doing a good job guiding you to where you need to be to find peace. I have an entire space of time that I refer to my Angry Years! It will get better, mainly because you want it to be better. <3
14 May 19 by member: Becc@
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Wow reading this is giving me dejavu! Maybe it’s just something preoccupied husbands do 🤷♀️ I decided to be full time mom and dad (not exactly by choice but necessity) and I have to say it feels about the same. However, comuntication is key. Don’t bottle it up. It only makes you feel worse. Gotta find a way to show him how it’s affecting you without being passive aggressive (my problem) Ugh marriage it hard 😒
14 May 19 by member: CrashtestDawnie
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Oh yes Bella sorry. I’m the confused one lol. Yes they say I’m bipolar. Just a 20 or so questions test diagnosed me. Jury is still on on whether I truly believe it. Now I’m finding that menopause has several of the same symptoms and issues as bipolar. Perhaps that’s it. Guess I’ll find out when the menopause stuff stops. 3 years at the end of this month and my hot flashes are still going strong haha.
14 May 19 by member: peeperjj
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Thanks Becca. I shall refer to this as my angry years lol. Had a few as a kid and have been angry since I lost my parents in 2011, 2013 & 2015. Shoved it all down and it came back up with treatments. Mainly when my close support system wasn’t there when I needed it and if my parents had been living I’d have had the support I needed. I know a lot of my anger with hubby and health goes back to that. It’s these unexplained bursts of anger like immediately upon waking that I don’t get. Normally I lay there from 6:45-7 thinking happy thoughts. Sort of like mediation. Normally it works well for me. This morning I ran out of time and had no choice but to get up. I’ve never been a morning person and it takes a long time for me to function upon waking.
14 May 19 by member: peeperjj
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Hubby is passive aggressive. I grew up airing my dirty laundry to all lol. If my family had a problem we yelled it out, avoided each other for a couple hours then apologized if it was something big or act like it never happened if it was something small and everything was fine. Somewhere along the way I started being passive aggressive as a way to get through to hubby and his family. Now he doesn’t want me being either. He told the counselor that yes our marriage was over if I couldn’t decide to be happy and not crazy. Umm ok. Sure. I’ll switch that happy switch on just a sec. then do as you like cause I’ll take it with a freakin smile. That same night he acted like the young man I married. That lasted two weeks until the day after our next appt lol. A friend says he’s selfish. I think he just takes everything for granted and doesn’t realize I’m my own person and don’t think like him. We need solitude but he needs to talk about work and nothing troubling where I need to get everything out like you said. It can’t be both ways. We’ve tried half an hour talking a day but he says he feels attacked. We tried 4 hours one day a week and he said it exhausted him. He doesn’t have time. He’s too emotionally spent. You get the idea. He devotes 1-2 hours a day to games and tv. I’d like half of that to be split between me and the kids. 1-2 hours EACH tv and games and online. 5-8 pm. My friend, counselor and I don’t think I’m asking for much. However, I can’t ask him to change back into the man I married if I’m unwilling to change into a better version of myself.
14 May 19 by member: peeperjj
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Weight is fixed. On meds to help the mood swings, but some is hormonal and if I don’t want cancer again then I can’t solve that issue except time. Attitude fixed somewhat but a work in progress obviously (this post haha). I’m not as uptight when he was going to the gym 5 days a week which meant little time for us, hangs out with friends or farms (as long as he admits we don’t need the income as it breaks even but he does it as his passion/hobby). I give him a list including descriptions for any gifts I would like for holidays and just because since he says he can’t read my mind. I do love him dearly don’t get me wrong but he’s frustrating lol. He bought me flowers a couple weeks ago then ignored me for a week. Asked what more I could ask for since he bought me flowers at the gas station lol. No matter what I have to work on myself because the kids need to see it. Chances are one of the three or more will have depression and they need the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. @dawn, did it get better for you? I need the light too lol.
14 May 19 by member: peeperjj
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