jaime30024's Journal, 05 February 2019

The scale is what the scale is. I will not let it deter me. I didn't go crazy over the weekend, but it just goes to show what even some processed carbs can do to me. I will keep on keeping on.

On another note it was a very good weekend. I felt good. There was some family drama, which is unfortunate, but I am not going to let it stress me. I cannot/will not go there. I got a glimpse of 'me' over the weekend. The me that I haven't felt or seen in a really long time. The me that could sing and take joy in listening to her music. The me that felt light-hearted. I haven't felt/seen her in a very long time. Don't get me wrong. It isn't like I haven't had fun or joy. It is just hard to explain.

Coming back from Georgia, after losing my Mama. Immediately getting sick for 5-6 weeks and simultaneously starting EMT class. It was a drain on me. I don't think i ever really got to grieve. I never just broke down like I know I needed to. Curl up in a ball and just cry. The class took its toll on me in that respect. All the COPD and respiratory discussions and review and on scene call examples. There were times I just wanted to scream. There were times I just thought I would have to get up and leave class if they didn't move on. I knew more than I wanted to know before that class. I knew more than someone needs to know. I have struggled so much and I know that is not what Mama would want. I know she is at peace and I know she isn't suffering. I know she wasn't happy living like that, and she told me that. She just didn't want to leave us. There were so many days that I could just hear her saying "I can't do this" over and over that last night on the BiPap. There is a part of me that resents that night nurse so badly because my sister and I had to tell my Mama that if she didn't calm down she would make us leave, and I believe that....she didn't want us to be there. I hate the nurse for that. I have worried that Mama would think we were being mean to her or that we didn't care. I am thankful that she had the ability to tell the doctors that she wanted to be taken off of that machine and made comfortable. I wouldn't want her last waking moments to be with that machine that she hated so much. Until typing this out I have focused more on that night with the BiPap and forgetting about her being able to be comfortable with it off. Us being able to tell her that we love her and her to hear us and look at us. Us being able to tell her that we would be okay and we would make sure that we all checked on one another. I didn't intend for this journal entry to go in this direction, but I guess it needed to for me to bring that to the front and remind me. I know everyone has their beliefs and I believe in God and I believe my Mama is in a better place and free of pain. However, I also believe she is with us....watching over us and letting us know she is there. There is no other way to explain the random things that have happened since I have returned. The light (nothing has changed with this light) but now it randomly is on in the middle of the night or in the early AM when we get up. After my surgery when we were watching TV and my phone was face down on the table and suddenly it started playing the song "How can I help you say good-bye". The day I went to take my NREMT test and I got into my car turned on the main highway and "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" came on (her nickname was Lucy). I know some people don't believe in that sort of thing and that is okay. I have a very good friend that doesn't think it is a deeper meaning and thinks my lamp has developed a sudden defect or my husband is turning it on in the middle of the night and not remembering it. It is okay, but for me I find comfort in it. My Mama had a very strong aura about her and a sense for things and she passed that 'sense' of things on to us. The night before she was on the BiPap she dreamed...that was probably the night I knew, but I didn't want to know. I knew, deep down, but I didn't want to accept it. She woke up and didn't recognize me. She was crying out for her Mama and her Daddy and told me that I wasn't her Mama and she wanted her Mama. It was all I could do not to break then. However, later she told me that she had been dreaming about my daughter and in the dream she was looking for her...she said that she "had to find her". Fast forward to the day that my Mama passed away and my daughter had gotten leave approval and was driving down to Georgia. I had been able to call her (while Mama was still conscious) and she got to tell Mama that she loved her. When our Mama passed I called my daughter and she answered and was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she had just pulled over on the side of the road because her oil light came on (mind you she had oil and had just had the oil changed). No one can convince me that my Mama didn't find her and make sure that she was pulled over and safe when I called her. That next morning my daughter told me that she woke crying because MawMaw had come to her in her dream and it was so real. I should mention that as a 3 year old my daughter suddenly had 'imaginary friends' that just as suddenly as they came they eventually left. Telling her "you don't need us anymore". She had been known to say to me "Mama look at that ghost standing there in the hallway". So yes I believe.

This entry may have me losing a few friends, but that is okay. Strangely, I have gone from crying like a baby (writing this) to feeling better.

So I will keep pressing through. I will start adding the exercise back in this week. I will try to get more time in for deep thought and healing myself. I know that my normal will never be the same with my Mama gone, but I know that girl is in there buried under all the grief and sickness and stress and surgery that just caved in and buried her. I will slowly keep digging myself out. I know that carefree light-hearted chic is still there. I know it because I caught a glimpse of her this weekend and it felt so good.

Sorry, but not sorry, for the randomness of my journal entry. :)

218.6 lb Lost so far: 29.4 lb.    Still to go: 29.6 lb.    Diet followed reasonably well.

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1086 kcal

Fat: 94.76g | Prot: 41.62g | Carb: 24.17g.   Lunch: Red Salsa, Calavo Avocado, NeoCell Super Collagen, Trader Joe's Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds), Kerrygold Pure Irish Butter. Dinner: Dry Chicken Broth, Bouillion or Consomme, Kerrygold Pure Irish Butter, So Delicious Coconut Milk Unsweetened, Chicken Taco Meat, Cream Cheese. Snacks/Other: Golden Flake Old Fashioned Fried Pork Skins. more...