So I haven't journaled much but right now is a time I need to journal. Sometimes life just knocks us on our asses like we never expected. We are moving along and doing well and then suddenly we are gutted. I had booked my trip to Ga and was planning to go last month, but then my Mom got sick so I moved my trip up. Now my Mom has been a warrior for 15 years. Battling and beating breast cancer and all the issues that go along with a breast reconstruction and the issues she had with her health from that. Then came COPD. The skin cancer. Then came lung cancer. She fought hard, but it was finally the COPD that took her. I was blessed to be fortunate enough to have a job that afforded me the ability to work remotely and take care of my Mom. It afforded me time with her and bonded and talking. I know she was not happy with her quality of life. She hated taking the pain meds and she would rather be in pain than be out of it from the meds. She is the strongest woman I have known and never complained. She would sometimes say that she wasn't sure why God still had her here like she was, and I would tell her that it is because we still have something to learn. It is funny how God puts things in motion. I never thought the EMS volunteering that I had been doing would prepare me to be the one to check my Mom's vitals and call 911 to provide them with all the information as well as giving me the fore-thought to pump up her liters of oxygen until paramedics arrived. Keeping my Stepdad calm and my Mom calm, putting together the list of meds and giving them a run-down on her health history. However, it did. Just like God had me change that flight. Just like God had me go to my boss that day before (when I was in the office) and tell him my Mom had a bad day and I would like to work remotely the following day. My boss sat with me that day and prayed for me and my family and prayed for strength for all of us. That was a Wednesday. That Saturday my Mom said enough. We had several talks when I was back about ventilators and her condition. My older brother had said to me he was glad I did because he just didn't know how to discuss it with her. Saturday she told them no more BiPap, no ventilator and to make her comfortable. My three siblings and my stepdad had a sleep over in the ICU room with her. I had spent every night there since Wednesday night only leaving once to get a shower. I wouldn't change a thing. It was not easy. That Sunday at 1:05pm she was gone. Then came taking care of arrangements. There is something to say for being able to just go and crawl in a hole and cry somewhere, but that was not a luxury that I had. Arrangements were made, and then re-made when there were issues. My sister and nieces and my daughter went through my Mama's things and donated them as she would have wanted. We reminisced looking at pictures. Then there was the Celebration of Life party and the slide show to make and the music list to play. My Mama loved having people at her house. Loved dancing and music and that is what she wanted. She was cremated and we all ordered keepsakes to put just a bit of her ashes in to take with us. We celebrated her that Saturday. We danced to her favorite songs. We drank to her and she was missed but she was there. Then the keepsakes came and Sunday was spent getting them ready and some giggles I admit and I know she was laughing at us. Monday was a plan ride home. Now in my head I am thinking I will get home and get back busy with work getting caught up and then will get onto my treadmill and grieve while I run and work out. (The one thing that helped me in Georgia was my daughter being there and making that time to go to the gym and work out. A lot of that playlist was created while riding 10 miles). However, God had other plans. I got home Monday evening. By Tuesday night I was getting sick. Fast Forward to today (9 days) and I am still sick. I have been to the doctor three times. I am on antibiotics, 50 mg of steroids a day and finally yesterday I was given a cough medicine with Phenergan/Codeine to try to help me sleep. Need I mention 7 nights with hardly no sleep due to first a severe sort throat and then coughing all night long. Last night I finally slept some but it was tough because I am so hopped up on the steroid. Anyway, the weight that I gained from three days of chicken and dumplings is gone. Despite the steroids and no exercise I am holding steady. I will not give up. I will not give in to eating my emotions. I have read so much about sugar feeding cancer. I have read so much about people with severe COPD running marathons and doing so well with their cleaner keto/lower carb eating. It scares me. I have a history of bronchitis yearly (viral bronchitis this time) and typically turning into pneumonia. Thank goodness I pushed for that pneumonia vaccine earlier this year; I believe that has kept me from moving right into that (as is the norm). I don't want my daughter to have to see me struggle like my Mom did. I don't want diabetes that runs in my family. I don't want cancer. I don't want respiratory issues. I vow to keep fighting. I had all the reason before and now I have even more reason. I know my Angel is watching over us all. It is very hard; so much more so when it is someone that you had daily contact with. I am ready to be well. Maybe God needed to force me to just sit and evaluate. I don't know. I know I have EMT classes and work and town council and everything else that I have going on. Being busy is good. Volunteering is good. I will still take care of me; I promise Mama.
