DairyFarmersWife's Journal, 16 March 2018

Annnnnnd attempt number 3 at journaling. If this doesn't work then it's official. Fatsecret does not like me. I've tried two other times to journal over the past week or so and every time I hit Save the Journal goes into the ether.. I stare at the screen for a minute.. think about rewriting what I just wrote.. then figure the universe didn't want me to put that out there.

This week there was a health assessment at work where they informed me I was fat and probably going to die at some point. Well ok not really. They just wrote a bunch of numbers on a paper and said this is you. This is the number you should be. Oh and they told me my body fat percentage to which I blinked a lot and twitched. Maybe.. just maybe. It's the wakeup that I need. Or maybe the incentives they give us to talk to a fitness coach, go to the gym, and become less fat and dying will work. I figured out that if I did everything they want me to do I would probably lose weight and make enough extra money to get back into photography. I can't seem to justify buying myself an expensive toy for an old hobby BUT I think I can convince myself I earned it if I keep up with the whole work fitness stop dying thing.

I'm still trying to find my happy. I'm meditating once a day. The Deepak Opera free 21 day meditation for weight loss thing starts tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to that. Because.. it's free, it's about weight loss, and it's free. I'm working out once a day. It's amazing what working out can do to improve ones depression and desire to strangle random people. I still desire to strangle some people but the list is slightly smaller. I can now settle for just smacking most of them upside the back of the head. I'm convinced the trainers at the gym are watching me though.. I think it's my guilt of becoming the elliptical girl. I should break out and do more things.. but the trainers are watching me. And.. they are not free. They are super expensive and probably judging me. Apparently working out every day may improve depression but it also increases paranoia of trainers.

Um.. lost journals. Asparagus pee in public bathrooms. Do you think people notice and why does this one girl ALWAYS pick the stall right next to me? Does she like my shoes? Someone super influential in my life who has helped me through recent events and who has helped me see myself as worthy again.. who is amazing, caring, loving, funny, smart, and slightly wacked in the head might be moving on in life and probably out of my life which makes me really sad but super grateful for the time I had with them and for the person they helped me to become. They helped convince me that I needed to find and create my own happy. Because what's life about otherwise? I'm pretty sure if I died tomorrow I would be replaced at work in 4 weeks because it takes 2 weeks for an HR request. Life is about family, love, friends, and slowing down enough to see the beauty around us. Sure... my beauty is currently buried under 4 foot of snow because Upstate NY ordered extra snow and someone forgot to turn it off BUT even snow can be pretty when watched in the comfort of your own home with a hot cup of coffee and fuzzy socks... or from a snow mobile. I need a snow mobile.

And now for the test and the click of the "Save". If this doesn't work I give up but none of you will know that I gave up so really there is no point in giving up if no one knows you gave up. I think. Maybe.

18 Supporters    Support   

It worked! I love reading your journals. Wishing you well 
16 Mar 18 by member: Phooka
I see you! Great piece.  
16 Mar 18 by member: Peasy3
Glad you're still writing, despite the challenges. 
16 Mar 18 by member: Bethlauren8
Finding happy: there is actually a book that I read that was really helpful for me to figure out how to "get happy" after my divorce. "Stumbling on Happiness" by Daniel Gilbert. It's a funny book and has some good pointers on what happens in your brain when you try to find happiness. 
16 Mar 18 by member: abbadabba
omg you need to write a book. You have such an entertaining style! Love reading your blogs.  
16 Mar 18 by member: cinwood24
Nice! LOL Confused about the asparagus pee though! LOL 🙋🏻 
16 Mar 18 by member: smprowett
So glad you were able to get through! A snowmobile might be more fun than a camera, while the snow lasts, anyway. I understand big fancy lenses are hard to resist, so the cost comparison is hard to predict. 
16 Mar 18 by member: TomLong


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