Tachatna's Journal, 23 February 2018

I reached my first goal this morning and it was a total surprise! I can finally claim weighing less than 240! Granted, it's only a half pound under, but HURRAY!!

I read through postings this morning and was really touched by one sweet member talking about her fears for the future. I was so touched because practically my entire life has been spent dealing with fears. I call them the "what if's".

What if....I have a panic attack in a classroom and make a fool of myself having to leave? It resulted in my not finishing my college degree and dropping out of school.

What if....my heart starts racing while I am behind the wheel of the car and I get lightheaded or pass out? It resulted in literally years of either not leaving the house or planning my routes of travel so I would always be within minutes of a fire station, hospital or emergency clinic.

What if.... my colitis acts up and I can't find a bathroom? Again, years of not leaving the house or panicking ever time time I was on a freeway (with miles between exits) until I finally refused to travel on a freeway at all.

What if....I don't live long enough to see my daughter graduate from school and grow up? I lived struggling against that and not participating in life with her happily.

What if....I hadn't swerved in time to avoid hitting that cat?

What if....people really see how frightened I am?

My entire life was based on the "what if's" and I missed out on so very much!

I know where it came from. It came from living with a mother who couldn't look at positive things.

If I got an "B" in school, her comments would be "what if you had worked harder? You would have had an "A"."

I learned to think of all the BAD things that MIGHT happen rather than rejoicing in the wonders that came my way. I even got to the point that successes weren't acceptable and I could only imagine "what if" I had done this, or that.

"What if's" were crippling in my life. I would recognize them, regret them and move on. They always came back.

I often tell my husband that I would never wish to be young again unless I could go back to that age KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW!! How different growing up and living my life would be on a do-over!

In my life today, I spend each day reminding myself of 10 things I am grateful for....

My husband
My skills
My computer
My puppy
My daughter and granddaughter's happiness
Living in Alaska
Being able to see blue skies

.... the list goes on.

I take time several times a day to thank God for even the smallest of things. I pull the car into the driveway and thank Him for helping me get to the store. It's a celebration of the little things in life rather than wandering into the "what if's".

I add to my list of things I am grateful for....fatscret and it's wonderful members.

It is difficult to "unlearn" old ways of doing things, but it is possible. The rest of my life will be focused on living free of the "what if's"!!

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1092 kcal

Fat: 70.66g | Prot: 80.59g | Carb: 35.70g.   Breakfast: Boiled Egg, Boiled Egg. Lunch: Great Value Cashew Halves & Pieces, Skinless Chicken Breast. Dinner: Nature's Promise Organic Grape Tomatoes, Lettuce, Lettuce, Crystal Farms Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Chicken Breast, Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing, Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing. Snacks/Other: Popsicle (Sugar Free), Popsicle (Sugar Free), Popsicle (Sugar Free), Popsicle (Sugar Free). more...