Tachatna's Journal, 20 February 2018

My life style changes seem to hinge on my thought process and putting them in my journal really helps me. My apologies if it gets boring to you all!

I'm not certain when I came to the conclusion that I would always be ill. It probably started in my childhood.

At three years old, the doctors diagnosed me as having leukemia. As it turned out, it was a very severe case of mono. But, at the same time, my cousin (my age) died of leukemia. I remember being frightened.

Between the ages of 6 and 18, I suffered from chronic bronchitis. I missed weeks of school each year, developed pneumonia several times and came to the realization that I "wasn't like other kids". My mother did a good job of convincing me of that. "You can't go swimming today! You'll get sick!" was her mantra all those years. I came to believe it. Or, at least I came to accept her view that I wasn't like other people and couldn't do the same things they could. It was a lonely place to be. Life felt like I was just walking through the motions badly.

Depression, anxiety and panic were normal for me from the age of 13. There weren't meds to control it then...only tranquilizers to mask the symptoms. My mother started feeding me Librium any time there was stress in my life. I still remember the green and black pills she handed out so freely. Learning to take meds to "feel normal" became an accepted practice in my life.

Pills for anxiety. Antibiotics for infections. Codeine for cramps...the list goes on.

I was different from other people, I believed. I didn't have the right makeup to get through life without pills. They were my security blanket and I never developed any true sense of worth or self-esteem because I thought life required artificial help to make it through. It seemed everyone else lived life so effortlessly. I didn't understand why I struggled so hard and concluded it was "meant to be". I wasn't "normal" (whatever that was).

I looked at other kids and didn't feel I was the same. The need to belong, the need to be normal, the need to be needed, feeling always on the outside looking in....those were my truths for more years than I care to look at. It wasn't until I married Jan that I realized I MATTERED!

Gradually, with his support and love, I started to grow as an individual. I did matter. I started to believe that there were things about me that were good things...empathy, humor, intellect, interests, skills (everything from plumbing to sewing/crochet/crafts). I began to accept the things about me as things that were good and not things I should be ashamed of.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not making excuses for the way I felt. This journey to wellness isn't just about the physical. It is also about the insights we develop along the way within ourselves.

My willingness to accept the "artificial answers" in meds continues to be a challenge. High blood pressure..pills. High cholesterol...pill. High triglycerides...pill. Breathing problems...inhalers. The types of meds I took changed over time as different things popped up. I kept hold of the things I had come to accept about myself as being good.

NOWHERE in there did I come to the conclusion that I deserved to be healthy though!

I just accepted being ill with one thing or another was my norm just as my acceptance of being overweight became my norm. The older I got, the less incentive I seemed to have to do what I needed to do to be healthy. If they put weight loss in pill form, I would be skinny! lol

I finally came to the conclusion I deserved to be healthy, but I didn't come to it by myself. I came to that conclusion by watching Jan tackle his health problems by changing...changing the way he ate; changing the way he thought; being willing to actually WORK at being healthy. It was only then that I finally realized "I deserve to be healthy!".

He's been a great inspiration and example for me that allowed me to find that truth within myself. He never preached. He never forced me to look at myself. He never even suggested I do something other than what I was doing. He just led by example until I embraced the truths he had found for myself.

Now, that is a soul mate!

Self-esteem is a complicated thing. Too often we settle for what we believe other people think of us. Too often we settle for the old COMFORTABLE feelings (even if they weren't the accurate ones...they were comfortable). Too often we put our own well-being second to what we perceive is important for the people we love. That changes the day you look inside and say, "I am a good person and I deserve to take care of myself the same way I would take care of someone I love".

CHANGE IS DIFFICULT! Whether it is a change in old thought patterns or a change in behavior or a change that we have to adapt to that the world brings our way.

Taking care of yourself is the one difficult change for me!

I admire each of you here who are doing just that...taking care of yourself. You are inspirations.

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741 kcal

Fat: 49.43g | Prot: 50.85g | Carb: 20.86g.   Breakfast: Boiled Egg, Boiled Egg. Lunch: Skinless Chicken Breast. Dinner: Chop't Cucumber, Tomatoes, Lettuce, Lettuce, Crystal Farms Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing, Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing. Snacks/Other: Popsicle (Sugar Free), Popsicle (Sugar Free). more...