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"Love Yourself". That's what we are told to do. I post all of these motivational pics on FB about it. But do I listen to my own words? NOPE.
I'm having serious body image issues. I've always had them, but they seem to be really bad right now. I guess it started with the dreaded clothes shopping. I know it prob sounds stupid to some of you, and maybe in the big scheme of things it is....but these are MY issues, so that makes them IMPORTANT. Anyway, I've decided to really try and change my way of thinking.
I have lost 128lbs. I have gone from a tight 24, to a size 18. i should be celebrating that instead of focusing on how fat I still think i am. What happens when i get to my goal weight? Will I be happy THEN? What if I'm not and I keep going...I'm a tall girl...i can't go much lower then what my goal weight is without looking like a crackhead. I'm scared it will never be enough.
I need to be able to look into the mirror and really LOVE what I see. I pick myself apart horribly. My fat roll, my flappers, ( which is what I call my arms due to excess skin hanging) my dropping boobies, my thighs that could be more defined, ....and I could go on and on. THAT on top of what i say about my weight is not good for my inner soul. AND I KNOW THIS. =(
My goal for the summer is to embrace myself in all of it's imperfect glory. I need to stand naked in front of the mirror and tell myself 5 things that are positive and loving. I need to do things for myself that make me FEEL pretty. I need to STOP HATING MYSELF!!!!
Depression doesn't help...in fact it's like this evil voice inside my head that keeps attacking the GOOD I'm trying to do. BUT, right now at least, I'm winning the fight. I can't say I will always be victorious...but for now...I AM!! I'M A WARRIOR!!!
I recently told someone that I haven't really talked too since HIGH SCHOOL how much I used to weigh. 375. I felt empowered saying that number. It's such an ugly number, but it's MY number and I have to LOVE that number if I'm ever going to love the number I have now. Or when I reach my goal. besides, it's JUST A NUMBER and I'm SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!
This summer is going to be the summer I REALLY learn that it's OK to be me. That if I open myself up a little, people will STILL love me. I have a scared little girl inside that needs to know that she is loved for all that she is. Imperfections and all. The only person that can do that...is ME.
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 Comments
I haven't known you that long and I can already think of three great things about you... you encourage those around you, you are pursuing your dreams by going to college, and you ARE a warrior. You have stuck with this weight loss process through the good and the bad times. Give yourself some credit. Beauty isn't just about what you can see in the mirror. At some point the outer beauty will fade in any case and it's what is inside that will count in the end. I'm guilty of concentrating on looks, too. I think it's natural when you are trying to lose weight. A change in perspective makes all the difference, though. You are already a conqueror and an inspiration! And all that you are striving towards still will be yours, your degree, your goal weight, etc. I know this because I see how much success you have already had and that you have what it takes to go the distance. You have depression but you actively fight it and don't give in. You are strong. You are beautiful.
22 May 12 by member: Eringiffin
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Sounds like you are on the right track! Having a hard time but you are a warrior and you will get through this!!!! I hear your pain and your struggle and I think that many of us are in the same place that you are ... I'll be happy when... and there is that worry will you ever reach that point when it is good enough. My dad died suddenly at 55 of a massive heart attack (on the last leg of a 10k run he ran religiously) and it really made me think that today is all we really have - tomorrow is not guaranteed, is this how I want to live my life? A lot of these things are real easy to say, much harder to live. You have come so far!!!! Bask in your achievements!!! I lost 80 pounds after my first two kids and honestly it takes your skin a while to catch up, eating plenty of proetin, drinking lots of water and bio oil helped, but give it some time!
I think you are a wonderful person and I agree that you are winning the fight! Don't give up :)
22 May 12 by member: krystynecar
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Dawn, this is such a great journal entry!! I am 53 years old and I still struggle with this very thing. Some days are better than others, and the better days are easily outnumbering the worse ones at this point. It is a process, this learning to love ourselves for who we ARE, not how we LOOK. It is hard at times, but as I go along, with a lot of help from God and my friends, I am learning that YES I AM BEAUTIFUL...no matter what size my pants are, how much my bat wings flap when I wave my arms, how much the skin on my neck sags since the fat in my double chin has receded, or any of the other imperfections I see when I look in the mirror (including the fact that my boobs look like bananas these days...lol), the imperfections that scream at me "You are a failure". After all, I am made in the image of God...and He doesn't make anything that isn't beautiful! Keep fighting the good fight, Dawn...and know this, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...inside and out!!!! HUGS!
22 May 12 by member: ctlss
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I must echo everything already written...however; I understand how they can sound like empty words when the internal process has not yet caught up. One of my favorite books is called "The Happiness Trap" which discusses how people struggle and, ultimately,it is due to listening to OUR MINDS. They are just thoughts - not facts. Look at the facts: you have lost a great deal of weight, and several sizes, and improved your health! These are the facts, and the truth - not the "junk" your mind tells you. HCB
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Mantra: It's not a pretty body, but it's a good body. That is what I say when I look in the mirror at my naked body. Body image perception is so hard to get over. I am losing again and even though I am very far from my goal I have done very well. But like you when I look at myself I still see the excess weight and it's effects instead of the good changes. One day when I was belittling my body for still not being "prety" it dawned on me what it has done for me. It may not be pretty (because I've treated it so poorly), but it has never not done what I've asked it to do. A marathon, a 12 day canoe trip in to the Canadian wilderness w/only a map and compass, climbed Mt Washington, and so much more. It is a good body. So think of some things like that and realize even though your perception of what you see may be negative....list what it has done for you. It takes a bit, but repeating that list as you look in the mirror will change the way you feel about what you see. For each flaw I see I then say "Ya but, it did do......." Pretty soon the list of what it has accomplished started to out weigh the image.
So again: It's not a pretty body, but it is a good body.
22 May 12 by member: Rubie-sue
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Rubie-sue, that is awesome! It isn't a pretty body, but it is a GOOD body. Thanks!
22 May 12 by member: ctlss
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